


Deceitful Taboos

by LyricalKris



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-28
Updated: 2012-06-20
Packaged: 2017-11-08 05:10:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 45,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/439517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricalKris/pseuds/LyricalKris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was love at first sight. He made her heart flutter. She took his breath away. It was a match made in heaven... with one exception - he thought she was his cousin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which There Is A Proposal

**Author's Note:**

>    
> [](http://s118.beta.photobucket.com/user/lyricalkris/media/Twilight%20Fanfic%20Stuff/dt.jpg.html)  
> 

**Chapter 1: Prologue  
 _Let's Start At The Very Beginning_**

 

* * *

_Dedication: To CellaCullen - Happy Birthday you heartless monster._

_Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer created these beautiful characters, I'm just playing with them._

 

* * *

It was one of those rare sunny days in Forks. Four year old Mary Alice Brandon was playing with her next door neighbor, four and a half year old Jasper Whitlock Hale, while Alice's mother and Aunt Esme spoke nearby. Alice's cousin Edward, who was only three, was sleeping peacefully with his head on his mother's shoulder. His older brother Emmett and Jasper's older sister Rosalie were both at a party the younger children had not been invited to.

 

But that was fine with Alice. She didn't need the older kids to have fun.

Little Jasper sat on the grass with the most perplexed expression on his face, his long blond hair falling into his eyes. "I don't get it," he said plaintively.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked, bending to pick up a smooth rock from the lawn. She examined it for a minute and then threw it off, forgetting why it had interested her in the first place.

"Don't ya wanna play house?" Jasper asked quizzically. He had suggested this activity because he thought girls liked playing house. He knew Rosalie liked playing house...especially with Emmett. She also liked playing doctor with him, but their mother had caught them at that once and said that game was off limits.

Alice crinkled her nose. "No? House isn't fun."

Jasper nodded his agreement. "I don't think so either. My sister makes me play house 'cept she makes me be the baby and she says babies can't talk, and I said they scream real loud at the store and she said if I screamed I was a bad baby and she'd give me a spanking." He thought a moment. "Rosalie kinda scares me," he admitted to Alice.

"That does not sound fun," Alice said, patting his head more because she liked his hair. It was longer than hers. She liked to run her fingers through it.

"So what are we going to do then?" Jasper asked.

"Ummmm," Alice pondered, wondering what they could do since they could be outside for once. She sat down beside him to think. "OH! I know. We can play dress up!" she declared, completely forgetting that dress up was not a good outdoors activity.

Now it was Jasper who crinkled his nose. " _That_  does not sound fun."

"No! It is," Alice insisted. "I has a boa and a cowboy hat for you. Then we can play forts. HEY! Guess what?"

Jasper blinked. "What?"

"I'm going to marry you one day," Alice declared apropos of nothing.

"Oh, really?" Jasper considered this. "Why?"

"I dunno," Alice shrugged. "I just am. 'cept when we get married, I'm still gonna be Mary Alice Brandon 'cuz I don't gotta change my name to a boy's name."

"But…Brandon  _is_ a boy's name," Jasper said, furrowing his eyebrows.

Alice rocked back and forth, deep in thought. "Hmmm."

"But," Jasper reasoned, "If you're Mary Alice Hale then that's no boy names."

Considering this for a moment, Alice stood. Then she got distracted by a large tree that stretched between her house and Jasper's. The bottom branches kind of formed a shaded area. It was perfect for a-

Alice's thoughts were cut short when she felt Jasper's lips on her skin. She jumped back, spitting at the ground and pawing her tongue to get rid of the cooties, even though the little boy had only kissed her cheek. Jasper watched her, a little perplexed.

With her hands balled into fists at her side Alice stomped over to where Jasper was standing. "Why did you do that?" she demanded.

Jasper's eyes widened because he thought maybe Alice was mad enough to hit him and his mother and father had taught him that he should never hit a girl even if it was Rosalie. "That's what married people do!" he defended. "They kiss a lot."

"We're not married yet!" Alice growled in exasperation.

"Oh."

On the porch, Esme Brandon Cullen spoke with her sister McKenna Brandon, completely oblivious to the marriage plans going on behind them. They were engaged in another serious discussion. Esme shifted Edward's sleeping form in her arms as she tried to figure out how to talk some sense into her sister.

"Kenna, really. You just can't do this."

McKenna and Esme were as different as night and day. McKenna had their mother's fiery nature and her jet black hair. Esme took after their father. She was the steadfast one. She didn't understand that McKenna just couldn't stay anymore. She had come back home to Forks after her relationship with Alice's father hadn't worked out, but it had been four years. She needed to be out in the world. "I can't  _not_  do this, Mae!"

Esme sighed. "You're not a child anymore."

"That's right; I'm not, so I get to make my own life choices."

"Think of Alice, Kenna," Esme urged, looking over at where her niece was playing, oblivious to the fact that her mother was about to uproot her entire life.

McKenna was exasperated. "I am thinking of Alice! Think of all the things she'll see and do that other children won't even dream of."

"A child needs a stable home," Esme argued.

"Oh, Mae. You know a child only needs love, and Alice has plenty of that. Who needs stability when you have adventure and the world at your feet?"

Despite Esme's pleading, McKenna and Alice were gone by the following weekend, not to set foot in Forks again until fourteen years later - or so everyone assumed.

However, what Alice's family did not know was that it was not, in fact, their long lost niece/cousin that had been sent to stay with them for the summer. The girl they thought was Mary Alice Brandon was, in reality, Alice's best friend Isabella Marie Swan.

 

* * *

**A/N: Okay so, I tell my darling, DARLING, girl CellaCullen that I will write her a o/s for her birthday so what does she want. And she stutters about with many different storylines she wants to see, not the least of which is this one. BUT, she said, I really want this one and I want it to be a full length story, not just a one shot.**

**Long story short - this is going to be the death of me...because she NEEDED her floofy, happy, funny story even though I'm in the middle of 2.5 others. Also - I have sucker tattooed on my forehead.**

**THAT'S 3.5 STORIES AT ONCE CELLA. ::repeated head desk::**

**Anyway. So, I may die, but as long as she's getting what she wants, I might as well share it with you fine people. Let me know what you think, yes?**

****

* * *

 

_Cella here~ Okay so I hijacked Lyricalkris's A/N My gal's doing some kickass awesome shit with this fic so review and inspire her to write faster!_  
 _Mels, thanks for Betaing so quickly for her! We both appreciate it and love you!_ **  
**

_  
_


	2. In Which There Are Tingles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To CellaCullen - the pushiest bitch on the planet.
> 
> Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns these characters.

"What about London?"

Isabella Swan and Alice Brandon lay side by side on their bellies on Alice's bed. Alice's laptop was open in front of them and they were perusing flights and vacation packages.

The two girls were more different than similar, save for one thing - their extremely restless mothers.

The only thing consistent about Renee Swan and McKenna Brandon was that one could rely on the fact that they could never really anticipate the next thing out of either of their mouths. Renee and McKenna had met when they both lived in California for a time when Alice was seven and Bella was six. They had, of course, become instant friends and lived for the fact they had someone to share all of their adventures with. From California, whenever they moved, they moved together.

Alice was very much like her mother down the fact that they looked so alike they could be sisters. Both of them had super short, spiky black hair, small features and a killer sense of fashion. For the most part, Alice was fine with all the moving around. She said she liked to see how different people were across the same country. She liked their mothers' more adventurous schemes. Alice had been the one at the front of the pack when Renee and McKenna decided they wanted to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Alice had also been the first one out of the plane when they decided to try skydiving - an adventure that Bella absolutely refused to go on.

Where Alice was loud, Bella was soft spoken. Where Alice loved attention and always found herself at the center of it at parties, Bella tried to fade into the background. Bella was also the responsible one. She tried her hardest to take care of all of them, Alice and McKenna included.

Also unlike Alice, Bella's father Charlie was still very much in the picture. Charlie, like his daughter, was quiet. Also like Bella, he absolutely adored his scatterbrained wife and did his best to keep up with her and provide her with all she wanted. Charlie tried to skirt the line between doing what was best for Bella and giving Renee everything she wanted. It was Charlie who had insisted they all let the girls go to one high school. That was why they'd spent the last four years in Phoenix.

Renee was getting restless again, and they all knew it. Where Alice and McKenna had gone on several vacations in the last three years, Charlie had kept his family home. Their frequent travel was, Charlie argued, how Alice got held back a grade. Now she and Bella had both just finished their Junior year, despite the fact that Alice was a full year older than Bella.

For the last year, Alice, Bella and Renee had been trying to convince Charlie that the girls were old enough to travel abroad for the summer. He'd steadfastly refused, saying that Bella was too young to travel without supervision despite the fact that Bella was, far and away, the most responsible of all five of them. "And," Alice had pointed out, "Haven't you seen 'What A Girl Wants'? Amanda Bynes goes to England by herself when she's 17 and she was just fine!"

Needless to say, Charlie was not impressed with Alice's logic.

However, the previous day, Charlie had surprised Renee with tickets for a three week cruise around South America. Charles, McKenna's current beau, had bought them tickets for the same cruise.  
Four tickets total.

When the girls had looked surprised, and in Alice's case, a little hurt, Charlie had sighed and slid a box over the table to Bella. In it was a cell phone capable of international calls. "I don't care where you go, but you're checking in with me on a daily basis," he warned.

Though it was extraordinarily uncharacteristic for her, Bella had squealed in delight and thrown her arms around Charlie's neck in thanks.

Now the girls were trying to decide where to go.

Alice wrinkled her nose. "It rains all the time in London, doesn't it?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Bella asked.

"I thought you didn't like the rain," Alice hedged.

Bella narrowed her eyes at her friend. "You just don't want to go to London."

"It's just so...boring," Alice cried, rolling onto her back. "I mean, you'll want to do all the historical stuff. And I like history Bella, I really do. But we've never actually been out of North America and I'd like to...I don't know, be young? Have fun? I mean...I doubt you'd let us go to all the pubs while we're there."

Now Bella wrinkled her nose. "I'm not eighteen yet, Alice."

"Even more reason to put it off then!" Alice exclaimed.

Bella sighed. "Okay, where were you thinking?"

Alice rolled back over and typed something into the search. Bella watched as a beautiful countryside came up on the screen. "Italy?"

"Sure. I think it's perfect. It'll be nice and sunny. There's a lot of history in Italy too  _and_ Florence is a center of fashion you know," she sighed happily. "It would be great to shop there!"

"Oh yeah," Bella said, with mock enthusiasm. "Oodles of fun."

But Alice was right. There was plenty to see and do in Italy for both of them, so they began to plan. Bella was bankrolling her trip out there herself using money from the part time job she and Alice both had at the nearby Subway. Charlie had agreed to supplement her cash flow. McKenna was financing Alice's trip almost totally, leaving Alice to use her money on whatever she wanted.

Where Bella was perfectly fine staying in a hostel, Alice preferred hotels. They researched it but to even stay in a remotely nice hotel was just slightly out of the price range that they set. Though Bella protested, Alice insisted that she could get her mother to fork out the extra dough, and as the three of them sat down for dinner that evening, that's exactly what she set out to do.

"So," Alice concluded, "I think that $1,000 more than we discussed is warranted in this case because-"

"Alice," McKenna interrupted. "I have some news."

Alice blinked at her mother, throwing a nervous glance at Bella. Usually, McKenna's 'news' meant they were moving again, or at the very least she had something she thought was exciting to do. However, McKenna typically looked excited. Right then she looked...nervous. Alice waited.

"Your cousin, Emmett, is getting married," McKenna began. "And your aunt Esme has been after me to come stay with them before the wedding."

More blinking. McKenna sighed and continued. "I think you should go, Alice."

"Wait. What do you mean 'you'?" Alice asked. Bella patted her friend's arm. She could hear the edge in Alice's voice. Alice was about one millimeter from throwing a fit.

Fights between Alice and McKenna were very...shrill. This Bella knew.

"Alice," McKenna began in a shockingly reasonable tone. "You haven't seen your cousins for fourteen years. I think it'll be a good experience for you to at least get to know them once. Know where you came from."

"What do you mean, 'you'?" Alice demanded again.

McKenna reached back to twirl a lock of her short black hair nervously between her fingers. "I would go, baby, really I would. It's just that this thing I have with Charles is so new."

"You want me to go to Forks alone?"

Bella winced. Yep, so the shrill began.

"Alice, try to understand. I really think that Charles is the one," McKenna said, a little dreamy.

Alice rolled her eyes. "You think Charles is the one who'll finally take you to Australia," she groused.

"He is taking me to Australia," McKenna protested. "He said he'd take me this winter. It's their summer you know."

"I don't care!" Alice yelled. "I'm not going to Forks. I'm going to Italy with Bella like we've been planning."

"Mary Alice Brandon, you are going to Forks and that's final," McKenna declared, sounding surprisingly like a mother.

"No!" Alice crossed her arms and glared. "I'm eighteen years old. You can't tell me what to do."

McKenna narrowed her eyes at her daughter before she leaned forward on the table. "Fine. Don't go. But it's either Forks or nothing. I'm not paying for your plane to Italy."

Alice's jaw dropped and her eyes went wide. "Mom! You can't do that."

At the absolutely devastated look on Alice's face, McKenna almost relented. Almost. "Look, I'll make you a deal. You go to Forks and you get the Porsche you've been wanting the day you get back. And then I'll send you and Bella wherever you want for Spring Break. Free of charge. All expenses paid on me."

For long moments the two women stared at each other; a battle of the wills.

But Alice  _really_ wanted that car.

She stood up so suddenly that her chair went flying backward. "Fine!" she all but growled.

McKenna grinned. "Oh, that's excellent! Your aunt Esme will be so pleased. I'll call her and make arrangements." She rustled through her purse, producing a credit card. "Here. Buy a ticket for next weekend. One way will be fine, we'll figure out when you want to come back later. You never know, you might want to stay longer."

"Yeah, that's going to happen," Alice said, her voice dripping sarcasm. She yanked the card out of her mother's hand and stormed up the stairs without another word. Bella cast a sympathetic glance at McKenna before heading up after her.

Alice was staring mournfully into her closet. "Forks is so cold and rainy. None of my cute clothes would even work there," she lamented.

"You could make your mom buy you a new wardrobe," Bella comforted. She sat on Alice's bed, trying to mask her own disappointment. She'd been looking forward to traveling with her friend.

Alice didn't answer. It was amazing how much she really,  _really_ did not want to go to Forks. She was simply not used to not getting what she wanted. There was always a way out of things. You just had to be clever enough, and Alice was very clever.

This is what Alice knew. Besides her parents, Bella loved no one more than she loved Alice. With her flighty mothers moving them all over the place, following their latest whim, they were each other's only constant. There wasn't a lot that Bella wouldn't do for her parents and for Alice.

Above all, Alice knew that Bella was a sucker.

Before she turned around, she made sure to put on her biggest pout and made her eyes as wide and innocent and hurt as possible. "It's not fair! She gets to go jet-setting around while she sends me to play with my cousins?" Alice threw herself face down on the bed beside Bella, burying her head in a pillow.

Tentatively, Bella stroked her fingers through Alice's hair, trying to comfort her. "It doesn't sound so bad. You know, I hear it's beautiful out in Washington. Really ... green," she finished lamely.

"Ughh. And then you get to go travel and do what you want without me," Alice continued.

Even though her friend couldn't see her, Bella shook her head. "I won't go, Alice. I'll stay here."

Alice sniffled, lifting her head. "Really?"

"Really," Bella confirmed. "I can put off my trip another year. It'll even be easier that way - being eighteen instead of seventeen."

Alice paused, pretending to consider this. Then she made her voice very small and lovable as possible. "Bella...how much do you love me?"

It was lucky for Alice that Bella was distracted by her friend's distress. Usually, she could at least tell when Alice was going to guilt her into something.

Not that it didn't still work. "A lot!" Bella assured her.

Lifting herself up into a sitting position on the bed, Alice took Bella's hand and played with the single bracelet on her friend's wrist. "Bella... if you really love me. Please. Please. Go to that wedding for me."

There was a pause as Bella processed what Alice had said. "What?"

Alice lifted her head, holding a hand out to stop Bella's argument. "No. Hear me out. My family hasn't seen me in fourteen years. Not even a picture! What if you went and said you were me?"

Bella yanked her hand away from the smaller girl's grip."Have you lost your mind?"

"No. It's brilliant! You won't have to spend the summer alone here. You can skip all those shopping trips I  _know_  you don't want to go on."

"Alice. No," Bella declared with a tone of finality.

"Come on Bella. I thought you wanted to travel," Alice whined.

"From the way you described it, Forks isn't exactly a tourist destination. I mean really, who would  _want_ to go there? Plus, I think this might be illegal," Bella stood and began to pace because she knew Alice had a habit of talking her into things and she didn't want to be talked into this.

Alice leaned forward, her eyes huge. "Please?"

" _Prison_ , Alice," Bella hissed. "I could go to prison."

"You're seventeen," Alice scoffed.

"I'll be eighteen in four months. They'll throw the book at me," Bella said, a little more dramatic than usual because she had a feeling Alice was going to get her way.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Washington is  _not_  Texas. Besides, I think the person you're imitating has to object in order for it to be considered a crime. Unless you try to trick my family into some sort of scheme and take all their money so just don't do that."

The two girls looked at each other. Alice tried again. "Look. If you book a ticket to SeaTac instead of Rome, the plane ticket is going to be much cheaper.  _And_ , next summer, I'll pay for all of your travel. You'll have money saved up to get your mom and dad gifts and to do all the extra tours you were talking about.  _And_.  _And_. I'll go to London."

Bella sighed. "You want me to stay alone with total strangers?"

"Bella, you were willing to stay at a hostel where we would have shared a room with total strangers," Alice pointed out. "This is my family! They can't possibly be crazier than my mom and I are."

" _That_ would be impossible," Bella mumbled. "What happens if our parents find out?"

"If our parents find out, it won't be until it's too late. And then what are they going to do about it?"

"Not get you your Porsche?" Bella said pointedly.

Alice paled. She looked fretful for a moment before she smiled. "You know, I think Mom will just be relieved that she got Aunt Esme off her back. That's all she really wants."

Bella was silent, having run out of excuses. Alice was right after all. If she didn't do this she would be spending the summer here in Phoenix completely alone. Bella had never minded spending quiet time by herself. She wasn't the kind of person who needed to be doing something with someone constantly, but still, the idea of an empty house, both her own and this one, was very sad to her.

"Please," Alice pleaded. "Please, Bella. Please, please, please, please, please, please," she begged, bouncing slightly on the bed with her hands clasped together in front of her.

Bella's shoulders slumped. "Alice Brandon, you are going to owe me big. I mean  _huge."_

Alice let out a yelp of absolute delight and launched herself at her best friend, squeezing her tightly. "I'll owe you for the rest of our lives! Anything you want, Bella, I promise!"

By the next weekend, everything was sorted out. Bella had bought Alice's ticket to Italy on her own debit card and Alice had bought Bella's ticket to Seattle on McKenna's. The statement would only read that a plane ticket had been purchased. The girls were careful to keep official itineraries out of their parent's hands, instead only providing flight numbers and times. The adults were all leaving the day before the girls so there was no need to worry about them getting suspicious about luggage and the like.

Alice had versed Bella in everything she knew about her family - which was not much. She knew that Esme Cullen had been a stay at home mother when her boys, Emmett and Edward, were growing up, but now she ran a successful interior design business. Her husband was a well known and well respected doctor named Carlisle. Emmett was twenty-two and was marrying his childhood sweetheart, Rosalie Hale. Edward was turning eighteen at the end of the month and was about to be a senior in high school, just like Bella and Alice. He was, as far as Alice knew, still best friends with Rosalie's brother Jasper who had just graduated high school.

Over the years, Esme had sent pictures but McKenna had lost track of them. It was Esme's boys who were going to pick Bella up. Alice said that Emmett was "big" and Edward had "completely fucked up hair", but that was the only description she had of either of the boys. She had honestly never paid much attention. To her, they were all distant, barely there memories. McKenna and Alice rarely paused long enough to have a picture taken, let alone did McKenna ever get around to sending any of the few they'd accumulated. That was why Alice's family had absolutely no clue what she looked like.

That was how Bella found herself at SeaTac airport on the first weekend of the summer. She frowned at the hoodie she'd been forced to put on over her favorite spaghetti strap shirt. Seattle was already cooler than Phoenix got during most days in the  _winter._  Bella closed her eyes briefly, inwardly cursing the small, black haired girl she'd grown up with and maybe even making a wish that Alice was stuck next to a foul smelling old man for all of the fourteen hour flight she was currently on.

Knowing Alice though, she'd just chat his ear off until  _he_ requested to be moved.

With a sigh, Bella hoisted her bag over her shoulder and walked out into the main part of the airport, past all the security, where families and friends were waiting for their loved ones. She craned her neck, looking around.

She spotted Emmett first. Big was an understatement. The man was  _huge._  Bella knew it had to be him because standing next to him was a younger boy with a variation of Alice's hair. The hair was the reason that Bella only saw Emmett for a fraction of a second before she was looking over his younger brother. Like Alice, Edward's hair was sticking out in every direction. Unlike Alice, it was an odd bronze shade.

Alice had called it 'fucked up'. Bella, on the other hand, had never wanted to run her hands through a stranger's hair so badly in all of her life. Her eyes dropped lower and she was met with McKenna's eyes set into a face so beautiful, and yet masculine, that Bella's stomach fluttered at the sight of him. McKenna's green eyes sparkled with mischief and laughter, but Edward's eyes were calm and deep and-

Bella's thoughts were suddenly cut off when she collided with a family of four that had stopped walking in front of her. She went tumbling forward, bringing the family's two small children with her.

"What are you doing?" a female voice shrieked.

All of a sudden, everything was very loud. One of the two children was crying, the other giggling, and their mother was screaming at Bella as if she'd meant to trip over them.

Bella was flustered, trying to figure out what had happened, if the crying child was seriously hurt and what it was she was supposed to say to this livid mother.

Suddenly, Emmett Cullen was there. His huge presence was enough to stop the screaming mother short, but his smile was anything but intimidating. He had a huge grin. And dimples. For fucks sake, a man who looked like he could walk into a job at the UFC should not have dimples that...adorable. "Now, ma'am, I don't think this young lady meant to run into you. And it looks like this little guy is just startled, aren't you buddy?" Emmett asked the little boy who had been sobbing a moment earlier but was now staring up at him with huge eyes.

Bella couldn't concentrate on any more of the conversation because right then, she felt a presence envelope her from behind.

It was warm without being suffocating. It sent tingles through her body, making her blood rush to her cheeks and her every nerve crackle with energy.

And fuck if it didn't smell amazing.

Two strong arms braced under hers, lifting her to her feet as a smooth voice murmured in her ear. "Are you okay, Miss?"

Bella turned as if in slow motion in the stranger's embrace, coming face to face with Edward.

Up close he was ridiculously beautiful. She blinked at him intelligently.

Luckily for her, instead of thinking she was slow or just plain weird, Edward was gaping right back at her.

"I'm B-Alice," Bella said suddenly.

"Balice?" Edward repeated, confused.

Bella sighed. "Alice," she clarified.

"Are you sure?" Edward blurted. He took a step back and ran his hand through his hair, rolling his eyes at himself. "I mean, of course you're sure. I just. Well." He sighed in exasperation. "The car's this way. Do you have any other bags?"

He had said it all so quick that his words blurred together. Bella blinked, replaying what he said. "No, just this bag." Bella gestured to the bag that had landed on the floor when she fell.

Wordlessly, Edward bent to pick it up just as Bella reached for it. Their hands brushed. The tingles ensued. They both stood up straight again.

Whatever they might have said was interrupted when something grabbed Bella from behind and lifted her right off her feet. "So you're Cousin Alice!" Emmett declared, squeezing her tightly.

"Can't breathe!" Bella gasped.

Emmett chuckled and set her down, spinning her around for a proper hug. "Sorry. I get excitable. I'm Emmett," he stuck his hand out, grinning hugely.

Tentatively, Bella put her small hand in his much larger one. No tingles.

Well, that was comforting.

"Alice," Bella said, still feeling so weird using her friend's name instead of her own. She really hated lying. She blushed automatically.

"Oh, hey," Emmett said, "Don't feel bad about that," he waved over to where the family she had bumped into was rapidly retreating.

Truth be told, Bella had forgotten all about them.

When she turned back to Emmett, he was looking out toward the exit with a confused expression. Bella followed his gaze to see Edward was already out the door, her bag over his shoulder, walking away as quickly as possible. "Well, I don't know what the heck is wrong with him, but that's Edward," he said apologetically.

"Yeah, I gathered," Bella responded.

"Ah, don't worry about him. Edward has his moods. Come on, kid. This is going to be a lot of fun. I promise," Emmett waggled his eyebrows comically and Bella gave him a small smile.

Fun was probably not the right word, if these first few minutes were any indicator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So you know how Alice is totally a manipulative jack ass but you love her anyway? Yeah, totally Cella.
> 
> Sigh. The things I do for my girls.
> 
> Two posts in two days... That's a new record for me. Just so you know, I probably won't update again until Cella's ACTUAL birthday - May 10th.
> 
> Thanks to DizzyGrl28 for beta of lightning.
> 
> Let me know if you like it.


	3. In Which Her Name Is Bella!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I'm just borrowing them for Cella's amusement.

Edward Cullen was in trouble. He already knew that as he stormed out to his Volvo with his cousin's duffel bag slung over his shoulder.

He had no memory of Alice Brandon. He'd been just three when she moved away and had only heard of her sporadically when his mother managed to get his aunt McKenna on the phone.

Of course, when he'd first set eyes on her he hadn't known she was his cousin. All of the pictures he'd seen of Alice were of when she was four or younger, and back then she'd had jet black hair. Then again, his hair, as a small child, had been very blond but had ended up a weird brown, reddish color.

Alice's hair was a deep, lush brown.

When he first spotted her -  _before I knew she was Alice,_ he comforted himself - the hair was the first thing he'd noticed.

Because it was flying all around her as she toppled over two small children.

The next instant, the crazy mother had been screaming and one of the kids was giggling wildly at the other who was sobbing uncontrollably. Edward had heard her flustered voice and had automatically started in that direction to lend a hand. He didn't really know why. Sure, his parents had raised him to be polite, but rushing over to help a complete stranger when she'd merely tripped and wasn't in any kind of danger - crazy mom aside - was a bit much. But Emmett had followed him and distracted the mom and crying kid while Edward helped the girl to her feet.

The instant he had touched her, his whole body felt heated.

Then she'd turned around, and well...

If they had been in a cartoon, Edward's face would have gone red as his heart beat out of his chest while making that awooogaaaaa sound.

Then she had said the exact worst thing possible. "I'm Balice!"

Alice. His cousin.

Edward growled as he pulled open the trunk of the Volvo. He put the duffel bag in the trunk, trying to get his rapidly swinging moods under control. He could see that Alice and Emmett were exiting the airport now, and Alice probably already thought he was an asshole.

He was about to shut the trunk when he noticed that the duffel was covered in doodles. Most of them were mindless, but the center of it bore a name written in black ink.

_Bella._

Edward furrowed his eyebrows. Why would Alice's bag have the name Bella on it?

There was probably a perfectly logical explanation, but the only one that came to mind at that moment was one that made Edward very, very angry.

It was unlikely that a girl like this didn't have a boyfriend. It would be just the kind of disgustingly cutesy things Edward saw high school boys did to please their girls, or, more likely, get into their pants. Bella meant beautiful. Alice's boyfriend wrote that on her bag to please her. Edward could just imagine Alice's smile when she saw it.

Hell, the asshole had probably bought her the damn thing.

Edward resisted the urge to bang his head on the side of the car. This was stupid. He had no idea why these ridiculous thoughts were consuming him. It was confusing and horrifying. Even more annoying was the fact that there was no one on the planet he hated more than this phantom guy he would probably never know.

Unless she married the prick.

"Oh, Christ," Edward muttered out loud, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You called?" Emmett said as he and Alice reached the car.

Edward managed a grimace because his brother thought he was funny. Then he chanced a glance at Alice again.

Yeah. The tingles were still there.  _Son of a bitch._

"Do you want shot gun?" he blurted through gritted teeth. It came out sounding a lot rougher than he intended so he shouldn't have been surprised when Alice stumbled back a few steps.

"No," she said, her voice uncertain but obviously slightly hurt and irritated all at the same time. Her cheeks tinged with a faint blush as she squared her shoulders and moved past him to the back door of the Volvo.

Remembering his manners just in time, Edward reached out for the handle of the door just as she did. Again, their hands brushed. They looked at each other, startled by the sensation that passed between them.

Edward had never wanted to kiss someone so much in his entire life. It didn't help when she bit down on her bottom lip. He had no idea why but that innocent move just made the ...  _want_  that was coursing through him, as if her body were a magnet for his, a thousand times stronger.

Alice backed away a step and Edward silently opened the backdoor for her. She got in without looking at him.

"Dude," Emmett hissed from across the car as soon as Alice's door was closed. "What is your problem?"

"Nothing," Edward hissed back and got into the driver's seat before Emmett could ask again.

It was good for Edward that Emmett was so naturally buoyant. He chatted easily with everyone and Alice was no exception. She was a lot more reserved than Edward had expected her to be. From all of his mother's stories about his aunt McKenna, he would have expected Alice to be a chatterbox. Instead, she was quiet and thoughtful about her answers. Edward didn't miss the fondness in her voice when she spoke of her mother. It was the same tone that his own mother, Esme, had when she spoke of her children. He could hear the gentle exasperation in her tone when she spoke of some of McKenna's crazier adventures.

Even though he was very interested, maybe even too interested, in what Alice was saying, Edward just couldn't get her duffel bag out of his head.

The curiosity became too strong. They were still about twenty minutes away from Forks when his mouth opened of its own accord. "Why does your bag say Bella?"

Edward's mouth snapped shut and he inwardly cursed himself. His tone was a lot more accusatory than he'd meant for it to be. He didn't even bother looking at his brother because he knew Emmett would be glaring, but a glance in the rear view mirror told him that Alice was gawking at him with a deer in headlights expression. She was blushing furiously, something he found more endearing than was entirely healthy.

"I- um," she stumbled.

In a continuing theme of verbal diarrhea, Edward asked. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Then he was the one who was blushing because really, what the fuck was wrong with him?

"What?" Alice exclaimed. "No!"

The profound relief that Edward felt then was only comforting for a moment before Emmett voiced his previous thought. "Man, what the fuck is wrong with you, Edward?"

Edward shrugged uncomfortably. "I just thought ... it's the kind of nickname a boyfriend would give a girl."

In the backseat, Bella was scrambling for an explanation. In that moment she cursed her mother and Alice's mother for taking them on so many different trips that Bella had no interest in. It was during one of those excursions, while Renee, McKenna and Alice were learning what they needed to know before going bungee jumping, that Bella, who straight out refused to do it, spent her time doodling all over her duffel instead of worrying about her family.

But then, Edward had provided her with half a reasonable excuse. "It is a nickname. Just not from a boyfriend."

"How do you get Bella out of Mary Alice?" he asked skeptically.

 _Good question._ "Um. Well, I've always read a lot and the kids in school started calling me that because, you know the chick from Beauty and Beast? She read a lot," Bella finished lamely.

"But her name is Belle, not Bella," Edward persisted.

"Jesus, Edward. Would you stop being a jerk?" Emmett yelled, exasperated with his brother. "What's gotten into you?"

Edward was quiet for a long moment, though Bella could see he was gritting his teeth. He let out a slow breath before looking up at her in the rear view mirror. "Sorry," he said in that quietly melodic voice of his.

For a handful of seconds, Bella was caught by the depth of his emerald eyes. They were so beautiful and his apology so sincere; any irritation she had felt vanished almost instantly. "No, it's okay. It's a valid point. It just kind of...happened that way," she said.

"Do you prefer Bella?" Emmett asked.

Bella opened her mouth to deny this, but then she realized she'd been handed a golden ticket. "Yeah, actually. If that's not any trouble."

"Doesn't make a difference to me," Emmett said. "You know," he began thoughtfully, "Rosalie, my fiancée, has a cousin named Daniel. He goes by Paco for no good reason that I could ever figure."

"Oh, that's,"  _weird,_ "Interesting."

The rest of the drive was relatively uneventful. Edward hunkered down and drove while pretending he wasn't fascinated by everything Ali- Bella said.

It was a long drive.

Bella stared out the window as they pulled onto a narrow road. They drove for about three more miles before coming to a huge, gorgeous, three story mansion in the woods.

It was, Bella thought, somewhat excessive for four people.

Her thoughts were cut off by the sound of the driver's door slamming. Edward opened her door but didn't wait for her to get out. Instead he went straight around to the trunk to retrieve her duffel. He hurried up the steps and into the house without another word.

Bella glared after him, confused and more than a little hurt. She didn't know what she had done to make him act this way around her, but he was most definitely angry.

_What. A. Prick._

Almost as if he'd heard her, Edward paused at the door and turned around. His eyes found hers and the world seemed to condense itself to only contain the two of them.

_A gorgeous prick._

He narrowed his eyes and turned back toward the house, disappearing through the front door just as an older couple stepped out. Bella knew instantly they had to be Carlisle and Esme Cullen because they were obviously the source of Edward and Emmett's good genes. She could instantly see Emmett's dimples on Esme's face.

And, oh my goodness, if Edward was going to look anything like his father when he was older, he was going to be a DILF when he grew up. Apparently, Cullens aged well.

_What the fuck, Bella. So not helpful._

It would be just what she needed to start lusting after her fuckhot "uncle".

Though, he didn't share any of Alice's blood, so did that make it better or worse than her obvious attraction to her "cousin" Edward?

_Oh God, I'm a walking Jerry Springer episode._

"Alice! Oh, dear, let me get a look at you," Esme cried, all but running down the steps. She pulled Bella in for a tight hug and then held her at arm's length. Her grin fell just slightly.

Bella froze, suddenly terrified. If anyone here could possibly know the difference between Alice and a total stranger, it would, logically, be Esme. The older woman ran her hand down the side of Bella's head, catching a wisp of her hair between her fingers. "Oh, Alice. Your hair got so light. It used to be just like Kenna's," she said, wistful and a little teary. She smiled, looking Bella in the eye again. "I guess you must take after your father after all."

Esme was more correct than she knew. Bella's hair was, in fact, the exact same shade of deep brown as her father Charlie's. "I guess so," Bella said quietly.

"Oh, my goodness. Don't be so bashful dear. You're with family now," Esme said, hugging her again.

When she stepped back, Carlisle stepped in and hugged Bella briefly. "It is good to see you after all this time, Alice. I'm glad you decided to come to stay with us for Emmett's big day," he said, smiling genuinely.

Wow. Bella couldn't remember meeting more warm and welcoming people than the Cullens. Certainly, Emmett had been nothing but nice.

What the hell was wrong with Edward?

"Did Rosie go home?" Emmett asked as they all entered the house.

"She went to pick up Jasper and his mother," Carlisle answered.

"I hope you don't mind, Alice," Esme said to Bella. "Lucy Hale remembers you quite fondly. I invited them all over for dinner."

"Her name is Bella," Edward blurted suddenly, reappearing in the foyer.

Esme turned toward her youngest son, a confused expression on her face. "Edward, this is your cousin Alice."

Edward rolled his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation and embarrassment. "No, I mean. She goes by Bella," he explained.

"It's just a nickname that stuck back in Phoenix," Bella said quickly. "But you can call me-"

"No, dear, that's perfectly fine," Esme said with a smile. "Bella it is."

Bella gaped for a moment before snapping her mouth shut.

Well, that had to be a plus. Even though she hadn't seen her sister or niece for fourteen years, Esme apparently remembered their quirkiness so well that a drastic name change didn't even faze her.

Bella was given a tour through the house. Of particular note was the piano that Esme identified as Edward's.

Then there was the fact that the room she would be staying in was located on the third floor. The only other room up there was Edward's and the two rooms were connected by a bathroom. The first thing that flashed through Bella's mind was that it was very trusting of Esme and Carlisle to put their teenage son in such close proximity with a teenage girl.

_That shouldn't be a problem as you are supposed to be COUSINS, Isabella._

Right.

Plus, Edward Cullen was an asshole.

An asshole with an entire wall filled from floor to ceiling with music. "You can't have listened to all of these!" Bella choked before she could stop herself.

Edward, who had been silently following their little tour from room to room, actually cracked a smile.

Han Solo had nothing on this kid's lopsided grin.

"Of course I haven't listened to all of them. If I had I wouldn't have ever had time to sleep," he said, for the first time sounding lighthearted.

She couldn't help but smile when he was grinning like that. "So, what? You have obsessive compulsive CD buying disorder?"

Behind them, Emmett laughed. "If that was an actual sickness, Edward would definitely have it."

Edward shrugged. "I like having a variety at my fingertips."

"Right," Bella said, plucking a CD out of the shelf at random. "Because you never know when you're going to feel in the mood for Tibetan Singing Bowls," she said, waving the CD in his face with an amused smirk.

He raised an eyebrow in surprise at her sass. He was about to respond but at that moment the doorbell rang. Emmett was on his way downstairs before anybody could blink. He had flung open the door and gathered his bride-to-be in his arms before the rest of the Cullens and Bella had even reached the second floor.

When Bella got her first look at the Hale family she began to wonder if they were putting pretty in the water.

No, scratch that. Beauty.

Thus far, there were more beautiful people in Forks than there were Jedi's from Tatooine.

Lucy Hale could have been Rosalie and Jasper's older sister instead of their mother. Like her children, she was statuesque and stunning. Both she and Rosalie looked like they could have just as easily been on their way to a photo-shoot for a trendy casual clothing line in artfully faded jeans and blouses that fit their perfectly proportioned bodies in the most flattering of ways.

Jasper, however, was on the exact opposite end of the fashion spectrum from his mother and sister. Where Lucy and Rosalie's dresses were artfully faded, Jasper's were straight out worn. If he were a work of art, and his face definitely made that easy to imagine, he would have been titled 'Boy Not Caring'. He was the picture of easy going when it came to fashion anyway.

There was a kindness in his eyes as well. He seemed to exude a relaxed air, and when he saw her, he gave a welcoming smile. He had a heart stopping grin. It almost rivaled Edward's lopsided smile.

Almost.

"It's nice to meet you," Jasper said when they were introduced. Then he winked at her. "Or, I should say, it's nice to see you again after all this time?"

Oh, this one was charming. Interesting. Bella's heart gave a little flutter at the positive male attention.

Lucy gushed over Bella in a much more embarrassing fashion than Esme had. "My goodness, I am so glad you grew your hair out. I kept telling Kenna what a shame it was. Little girls should have long, pretty hair," she babbled, petting Bella's hair. Bella had to struggle not to pull away.

Rosalie gave her a perfunctory, "Pleased to meet you," before turning her attention to Emmett. They looked like the epitome of the jock and the cheerleader – both beautiful and all smiles. At least for each other anyway.

They all made small talk, Rosalie coming alive as she talked about the wedding and the plans Vera, her best friend and maid-of-honor, had for the bachelorette party. Lucy cleared her throat, giving Rosalie a pointed look and gesturing with her eyes at Bella. Rosalie's face scrunched up for just a moment before she turned to Bella, smiling beatifically. "The bachelorette party is two weeks from today. We're not going to be doing anything too crazy. I'd love it if joined us."

"Oh!" Bella exclaimed, surprised. "I don't want to impose."

"No, I want you to, really. After all, in two weeks and two days, we'll be family too," she said, smiling genuinely.

It was then, for the first time, Bella actually felt horrible about what she was doing. These people were all welcoming her into their lives and she was lying to their faces. _Damn Alice._ She thought bitterly, imagining the hurt expression on Esme's face if she found out.

It didn't help that she had the distinct feeling that Rosalie could and would kick her ass for deceiving her family, and it was very clear the way she interacted with Esme and Carlisle that Rosalie considered them her family already.

Knowing there was nothing that could be done about it now, Bella just nodded her agreement that she'd go to Rosalie's party.

Before long, dinner was ready and they all sat down at the Cullens' large dining room table. Bella ended up at the edge of the table with Carlisle at the head and Jasper to her left. It didn't escape her notice that Lucy kept on glancing between her and Jasper, smiling whenever they spoke to each other, even if it was just to ask the other to pass the salt.

Finally, she just couldn't hold it in any longer. "Oh, Alice. It's so good to have you back. You know, after you left Jasper was heartbroken."

Beside her, Jasper's fork clattered against his plate as he put it down forcefully.

"Really?" Bella asked, curious and somewhat amused that Alice was breaking hearts before the age of five.

Lucy nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, yes. He asked me where you were for ages. It was months and months before he stopped."

"Mom," Jasper warned, the calm, almost indifferent tone he'd had all day tainted with irritation and embarrassment now.

"For the longest time all he talked about was how he was going to marry you," Lucy continued as if her son hadn't spoken.

"Mom!" Jasper bit out between gritted teeth.

This time, Lucy heard him. "What, dear? It's cute. You never know, maybe you and Alice are made for each other."

"Her name is Bella!" Edward said loudly. Every head in the room turned to him and he turned a shade of red that could rival Bella's usual blush. He coughed self consciously. "I mean, she goes by Bella. Look, can I be excused?" he asked his parents, his words running together like they had at the airport.

Esme and Carlisle were gaping at their usually unflappable son. Carlisle shook off the stupor first. "Yes, that's fine Edward."

Edward didn't need to be told twice. He pushed back from the table and was gone practically before she could blink.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was on drugs," Emmett said, shaking his head. "He's been acting so weird since the airport." He chewed for a moment before he started laughing to himself. "Hey, do you think he's possessed?" he asked no one in particular. "How creepy would that be if his head started spinning around like the chick on The Exorcist?"

Carlisle smirked at his eldest son. "Yes, well, I think we'd have bigger problems than Edward being possessed if his head could spin in a complete circle."

The conversation faded into the background. All this time, Bella had been comforting herself with the fact that Edward must just be an asshole, but obviously this was not his typical behavior.

It was a couple of hours later that Bella made excuses to her new found family and retreated to the solitude of her room. She crept into the shared bathroom, opening the door slowly just in case someone else was in there, and was about to run the water in the sink when she heard noises coming from Edward's room.

Edward and Jasper were talking and one of them was lazily strumming a guitar. Bella could make out the opening notes of Metallica's Nothing Else Matters being plucked out.

"Man," Jasper's voice was audible through the door. "Your cousin is kind of hot."

The strumming stopped momentarily and Bella could swear she heard Edward's scoff, but that might have been her imagination. The strumming picked back up again.

"I think I'm going to ask her out," Jasper continued.

In spite of herself, Bella's heart quickened in a mixture of elation and nervousness. She didn't know how she felt about that. She had never really noticed the boys at her school in Phoenix and they had returned that sentiment. This was new.

But at Jasper's declaration, whoever was strumming the guitar obviously dragged his hand across it roughly as it made a very discordant sounding noise. "What?" Edward's voice asked, his tone harsh and incredulous.

 _What the hell?_ Bella thought.

"What?" Jasper asked, sounding confused.

This time, Bella was sure that Edward scoffed and the playing picked up again, but instead of the soft, pretty tune he'd been playing, he was now playing a much faster, angrier one. "Don't tell me you've been listening to what your mom says about fate and all that bullshit."

Jasper's voice was slightly defensive when he spoke. "I didn't say I was going to ask her to marry me. She's a beautiful, single – according to you – eighteen year old girl. You don't think she'd like a dashing guy like me to take her out?"

"'Dashing,'" Edward mocked. "Look, whatever. It's none of my business," he said, though anyone could hear the irritation in his voice.

"Edward, just spit it out already," Jasper said, obviously exasperated with his friend.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You have a problem with me asking Ali- Bella out?" Jasper asked.

"Why would I have a problem?" Edward snapped.

At that point Bella retreated from the bathroom, feeling bad for listening.

She didn't have any idea what Edward's problem was. Maybe he thought that she wasn't good enough for his best friend. Either way, Bella resolved that if Jasper asked her out, she was going to accept. After all, he was attractive and seemed nice.

Best of all, no one thought they were blood relations and it couldn't possibly hurt anyone.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yeah so, Cella tricked me into promising I'd release the next chapter if this story made it to 60 reviews. I didn't think it was going to happen. She enjoyed proving me wrong. I would promise that I'm not updating again until her actual birthday of May 10th, but obviously that doesn't work out very well for me. Cella is a force of nature. Melly, on the other hand, is wonderfully fantastic and awesome and I love her more than words, which is saying a lot since I'm a wordy beotch as you can all tell by now. (Okay, so Kris didn't say that, but I know she thinks it, right Kris? ~Melly)
> 
> To all my lovely reviewers. I'm usually good about doing review replies but one of the bad things about having 3.5 storylines running through my head at once is that I'm having trouble keeping up. Go beat up Cella for me. It's all her fault. :)
> 
> Anyway. I write angst so let me know if I'm doing this humor thing okay.
> 
> Cella's Hijack- You can thank me for forcing Kris's hand by reviewing and helping me convince her of how badly we need her to write the next chapter! Kris writes when she gets reviews cause they inspire her! So go Review and help us all get what we want! :D And on the count of three can we all say, Poor Edward! One, Two, Three...


	4. In Which Edward Is the Lamb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To CellaCullen – Merry Birthday/Mother's Day you devious beast.
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me.

Edward Cullen was in agony.

He had always heard that teenage boys thought about sex every six seconds. Before, he'd scoffed and rolled his eyes a little because he had better things to do. It wasn't that he didn't like sex or didn't think about it at all. It was just that he had grown up with every available girl in this tiny town.

None of them excited him.

But ever since he'd set eyes on his cousin, twelve hours ago now, he'd be willing to bet that he was giving most teenage boys a run for their money when it came to thinking about sex.

Ironically enough though, Edward would have preferred if that was all he was thinking about. Attraction could be explained. You couldn't help attraction.

What attraction didn't explain was why Edward hung on her every word. Why she fascinated him. He had tagged silently behind his family as they moved through the house, showing her around, completely enraptured in her every facial expression. She had said very little…until they got to his room.

When she blurted out her accusation that he couldn't possibly listen to that much music, he'd been surprised. The few girls who'd been up to his room had simpered and oo'ed and awed over his collection, praising his diverse tastes and offering up a random name - an artist away from the mainstream music - in hopes of showing off. Suddenly, a thousand questions had come to mind. He wanted to know her tastes in music, her favorite color – if she felt slighted because she had never had a stable home.

Edward debated whether or not asking his parents to pay for copious amounts of therapy for him would be a giveaway.

In the room next to his, Bella was having a similar problem. Unlike Edward, the fact that she could not stop thinking about him was actually the least of her worries . Of slightly more importance, at least at this moment in time, was Charlie, who would be expecting a call from Bella to assure him that she'd landed safely in Italy. Alice was supposed text when she landed in Italy so Bella could call her dad.

There were a few issues with this. First of all, Alice's flight had left Phoenix fifteen hours previous. Bella was fairly sure that she had landed by now and yet her phone had remained eerily silent. She'd texted and then tried to call her but her texts were unanswered and the call had gone straight to voicemail. This concerned Bella, but only vaguely as Alice was excitable, to say the least, and easily distracted by shiny objects. Italy was new and at the height of the fashion world. It might as well have been made of shiny.

Another problem was that after listening in on Edward and Jasper's conversation, Bella was now acutely aware that she could be easily overheard if she were to talk to her father on the phone. Since Alice didn't know her father, it would look highly suspicious if she were overheard having a conversation with someone she called dad.

She needed to figure out a few things to be prepared. She needed to figure out what time it was in Florence to give Charlie the correct answer if he asked - which, knowing him, he probably already knew. She also needed to send Alice an e-mail so she could cover all her bases; the more messages she could leave for her friend, the more likely she would get an answer in this decade. She had a laptop but the thing was little more than a paperweight without an internet connection.

A cursory tiptoe through the house had revealed that Esme and Carlisle were asleep, or at least, their light was off. Bella was twenty feet away from Emmett's door before she figured out that Rosalie had stayed over.

Either that or Emmett made some very feminine groans when he masturbated.

Both mental images weren't anything Bella wanted to dwell on. She'd run back to her room as fast as her feet could take her without tripping.

Of course, because she had the worst luck possible, Edward was still up. This meant that she could try crazy hot, err crazy pissy Edward.

Mentally, Bella compared crazy pissy Edward with crazy, pissy Charlie and decided that she would have to suck it up and go get the password from the moody boy.

Steeling herself, Bella got up and walked to the bathroom that joined their two rooms. With a deep breath she gathered all her courage and knocked on the door. "Can I come in?"

"What do you want?" came a thoroughly exasperated tone.

Bella's face flushed automatically. Fuck it. She didn't need the Internet that badly. "Fuck, never mind," she yelled at the door, turning away before her own anger got the better of her. What she wanted to do was confront him and demand to know what his problem with her was. That, she imagined, would result in a very different kind of Springer episode. The kind where chairs were flung about the set.

Plopping down on her bed with a sigh, Bella was honest with herself. If she had to hear why Edward seemed to hate her she would probably end up crying. This kid seemed to have an abnormal effect on her. She didn't typically cry unless she was extremely angry or extremely frustrated. Edward had the habit of making her both. Combine that with the scathing remarks he was, no doubt, capable of and Bella could imagine that she would be a sobbing mess.

A soft knock on the wall alerted her to another presence in the room. "Can I come in?"

Bella sat bolt upright. She'd left the door to the bathroom open when she'd stormed back into her room and now Edward was standing in the doorway with hair that was even more disheveled than normal and a very gentle, very guilty expression on his face.

She kind of wanted to lick him.

 _Asshole, Swan. Maintain bitch face._  Obediently, Bella glared at him.  _Good job._ "What do you want?" she mimicked his tone from just a minute before.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair nervously as she crossed her arms. "Look, I just wanted to apologize. I know I've been acting like a jerk. I-" He huffed, obviously flustered. "I don't really know what's gotten into me," he finished, looking her in the eye for the first time.

The second their eyes met, Bella's anger was replaced by a weak-in-the knees type feeling. She sighed, aggravated with herself. "It's fine."

"No. It's really not," Edward said, shaking his head.

Bella thought for a moment. "No, it really isn't," she agreed. "I thought you hated me. It's not very nice to make total strangers you've just met think that you hate them."

Her tone was lightly teasing so Edward couldn't help but smile. "But we aren't total strangers, remember?" His smile then was beatific and it made Bella's heart speed. He started to approach the bed then and her breath caught in her throat. "My mom told me that when your mom took away your bottle for the first time, you used to steal mine," he continued as he sat on the bed next to her. "It's like... family rights. I mean, I'm the bratty younger cousin right?" He sounded a little sad as he said the words.

"Oh, right," she said breathlessly, highly distracted by his proximity.

Unconsciously, he leaned in a bit. "What do you want?"

His voice was so smooth and soft. Bella had a dozen answers that came to mind but his previous comment was belatedly beginning to sink in. She shook her head, blinking sporadically. "I'm sorry, what?"

Edward looked at her curiously. "What do you want? You knocked, a bit ago when I was so rude to you."

Bella blinked again, trying to get her brain to restart. "Oh! Right," she said sheepishly. "I need the password for the network," she explained.

"You have a computer?" Edward asked, looking amused. "I thought all you had on you was a duffel."

"It's just an Acer," Bella mumbled, leaning over the side of the bed to retrieve her duffel bag. When she did this, she accidentally afforded Edward a view of that little space on the small of her back, right where back was about to turn into ass.

Suddenly feeling uncomfortably tight in his pants, Edward reached over and yanked the tiny laptop out of her hands a little more roughly than entirely necessary. "Hey!" Bella protested.

"Sorry. I've just never seen one so small," Edward stumbled. It was a lame excuse and he knew it. However, he was fairly sure that she would be entirely creeped out if she knew the real reason that he needed the laptop on his lap.

Bella bit her lip. "That's what she said," she finally muttered, unable to help herself.

Edward's lips quirked up and down like he was unsure whether or not he wanted to be amused or offended. Finally, he started laughing. "You sound like my brother."

Laughing with him, Bella reached over to press the "on" button. The good news about this was that she left the laptop on his lap. The bad news was that that she pressed the laptop against his hard-on causing it to go from firm to solid. Edward let out a low whimper.

"Are you okay?" Bella asked, concerned.

"Fine," Edward said and quickly changed the subject. "So, what are we looking up?" He asked as he brought up her Internet connections and got her connected to the wireless network.

Bella stared at him but Edward only raised his eyebrows challengingly. "I need to know the time in Italy," Bella blurted without thinking about it.

"Why?" Edward asked automatically.

"Uh..." Bella searched. Why had she ever thought this plan of Alice's could work? She was horrible at lying. "Well, I was supposed to go to Italy this summer, you know, instead of here."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah," Bella said. "Then my mom got your mom's letter and she wanted me to come."

Edward was studying her rather intently. "And you just came? Why?"

Bella shrugged. "It made her happy," she responded, talking about Alice instead of McKenna.

"But now you're unhappy?" Edward asked, his eyebrows knitted in concern.

Surprised, Bella looked up at him, ready to deny his claim, but his eyes caught her and held her. She bit her lip, thinking over her answer. "It's hard to be all alone with strangers. Your family is very warm though."

"They're your family too," Edward pointed out.

"Right," Bella said wryly.

His situation abated, Edward placed the laptop on her lap, though he didn't make any move to leave. Bella did a quick google search and then took out her phone. "Who are you texting?" Edward asked.

Looking at him over her phone, Bella raised an eyebrow. "You're very nosy," she said. She thought for a moment. "I'm just sending a message to my mother. Laying on the guilt because if I had gone to Italy I would have landed about an hour ago." She thought over her words, double checking them for inconsistencies. No. She sounded like a flippant, slightly petulant teenage girl. That was a good cover, right?

Edward smiled a little and shrugged. "It's always good to have something to hold over your mother, I suppose."

They sat in silence for a moment while Bella scanned her e-mail for any messages from Alice or her parents. Then Edward spoke again. "So you're going shopping tomorrow with my mom and Rosalie?"

Bella's head shot up. "I am?"

"Well, that's what mom said. I thought you liked shopping," Edward said, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Where would you get that idea? I hate shopping."

"That's not what your mom tells my mom."

"I-" Bella stuttered. "I go for Al...all my ... mom's needs and she thinks I like it. It's really more her thing than mine."

"You should probably tell mom," Edward said, laughing. "She's got all sorts of plans to make sure you have a good time."

Putting the Acer to the side, Bella fell backward and grabbed a pillow, putting it over her face. She groaned into it. "I don't want to seem ungrateful when she's trying so hard to make me happy."

A solution occurred to Edward then but he wasn't very happy about it. On the one hand, he found that he hated to think of Bella shopping with Rosalie and Esme, bored out of her mind. On the other hand, his solution would put her in direct contact with Jasper all day long giving him ample opportunity to ask Bella out like he wanted. Edward found that idea bizarrely infuriating.

He didn't like this feeling - like he kind of wanted to punch his best friend in the face.

Over his cousin.

Sighing to himself, Edward realized he was going to have to let it happen. Not only did he have literally no excuse or good reason to stop Jasper from asking Bella out, but his friend was right - Bella would probably like going on a date or two with a nice guy. "Well, she hasn't asked you yet. If you'd prefer, you can come with Jasper and me instead. We're going to Bogachiel tomorrow. You can come with us."

Bella scrunched her face in confusion, a look which Edward found endearing. "What's a Boga...what?"

"Bogachiel State Park," Edward clarified. "We go down there sometimes to hike or just, I don't know, enjoy the outdoors."

"I'm not much of a hiker," Bella hedged. "I'd really slow you down. And I'd probably fall and break my neck."

"I'll take care of you," Edward promised. "I mean. We'll take care of you. Jasper won't mind. We've been all over that park so it's not like you'd be keeping us back. Plus you might really like the river."

Bella bit her lip, wanting more than anything to say yes. "Are you sure you won't mind? Or Jasper?"

"I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't want you to come," Edward said sincerely.

Bella bit her lip, looking more amused than anything else. Studying her expression, Edward rolled his eyes. "You want to say 'that's what she said' again, don't you?" he guessed.

"A little bit, yes," Bella admitted.

They talked for a little while afterward. After Edward being so edgy and rude for most of the day, Bella was surprised to find they got along quite well. More than that, their conversation flowed almost effortlessly. She couldn't remember a time when she was able to talk to someone so easily. Typically, she was quiet and reserved, but there was something about Edward that drew her out.

"You know," Edward said, pausing at the bathroom door after they'd said goodnight. "Bella suits you more than Alice. I mean, not just because of the beautiful thing," he stumbled. His face looked slightly flushed as he realized what he'd said. "I mean... you just...don't look like an Alice."

He was actually really adorable when he was flustered. "Thanks?" Bella responded uncertainly.

Edward offered her a somewhat sheepish, lopsided grin before he turned toward his room.

As soon as the door had clicked shut, Bella grabbed her pillow again and pushed it against her face. An emotion that was a combination of frustration, elation and want had been simmering in her as she spoke to Edward. It was all foreign to her - attraction, desire...the confusion of wanting something she couldn't have and the guilt that she was lying to him; to all of them.

When she was sure she wasn't going to scream, Bella took the pillow away from her face and picked up her Acer again. Navigating to Gmail, she typed out a quick message to Alice.

_Alice,_

_Call me. Text me. E-mail me. Let me know you're alive._

_I hate you just a little bit right now._

_Bella_

_  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, so that was a short chapter which means I owe you a little extra padding on the Jasper/Edward/Bella in the woods chapter. That's going to be fun.
> 
> Since it is my girl's birthday and she's the reason this story exists, if you send birthday wishes via your review they will be passed on with love. If you don't know her, CellaCullen is the pushiest broad in the entire fandom, and she's also one of the most awesome people out there. I cannot wait to meet her in person so I can steal her liver and sell it on the black market. I MEAN…. Hug her and love her and take her to Disneyland!
> 
> So, do me a favor. Wish my girl a happy birthday, yes?


	5. In Which Vanity Fair Is an Influence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To CellaCullen - because when you have a Cella you don't need an alarm clock.
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me.

Bella knew she was dreaming.

For one thing, she was on a boat. She hadn't been on a boat when she went to sleep; of this she was fairly positive.

Her dream, however, was far too intriguing for her to want to wake up.

Edward was lounging on a cushioned seat across from where she sat. His chest was bare, though he wore a sweater tied lightly over his shoulders like the man in the Old Spice commercial. The "look at your man, now back at me" one. He had on the same cocky expression as he regarded Bella, one eyebrow quirked and a lopsided smirk on his face. He was wearing tan pants and his hair was rippling in the light breeze.

As she stared, he stood and started for her in what could only be called a swagger. Curiously, he kept a single eyebrow quirked. Bella didn't have much time to think about that because he had quickly stridden into her personal space, his arms on either side of her against the railing. "Hello, Bella," he said, not in that soft voice she loved but with the same tone as the guy from the Old Spice commercial.

Either way, it did strange and wonderful things to her body.

"Um, hi?" she replied, because apparently even in dreams she couldn't be smooth.

"Tell me, Bella, what is it that you want?" He asked, his green eyes sparking with humor and sexiness.

She swallowed sporadically, trying to slow her racing heart. She wanted a thousand things at that moment, most of which involved parts of him mingling with parts of her, but she couldn't make herself say any of it. "I'm fine, thank you," she said instead.

He smirked again and stepped back. She bit her lip, at once relieved that he and his fantastic tingles were away from her personal bubble space and dismayed that he was backing up. "Are you sure, Bella...because I think you want...  _this!_ " he exclaimed, his voice in that low and dramatic tone. As he said the word 'this' he ripped his pants away to reveal he was naked underneath.

He had a cock that hung down to his knees.

"Holy shit!" Bella shouted, surprised.

He strode forward again, boxing her in as before and she tried to keep her eyes on his. "My pre-come is made of diamonds," he announced.

"That sounds painful," she squeaked.

"I'm going to fuck you now." Edward paused dramatically. "On a horse."

Sure enough, they were now both seated on a horse on the beach - Edward facing forward and her facing him. His obnoxiously long dick was poking up between them.

Bella dismounted the horse, pleased to see that she at least had more grace in her dreams than normal. "That sounds really fun and all, but I don't think that," she pointed at his cock, "Will fit."

Edward grinned as he dismounted the horse, still nude, and stepped toward her. "Thank you for the compliment."

"No, no!" Bella said, putting her hands out in a stopping motion as she stumbled backward, away from him. "I mean seriously. It's impossible. I don't remember health class  _that_ well but I'm pretty sure I don't have enough vagina to fit that."

He continued to stride toward her. "It will be fine. Trust me. I know these things."

She continued to step backward. "It'll break me. Or, I'll break it. Look, something will get broken and this won't end well," she protested.

He rolled his eyes and continued his pursuit of her. Suddenly, her back hit a wall and they were in a bathroom. It was steamy. Edward caged her in for the third time. His hands went to her waist and she found she was, uncharacteristically, wearing a skirt. He reached under it and yanked her panties down. She whimpered, babbling to him. "No, it won't fit. It won't. It'll break right-" she was cut off as he thrust into her completely. "Oh. Oh, that's...fuck...it  _does_ fit!" And it did. Perfectly.

He smiled that arrogant, gorgeous smile. "Told you," he said as he began to thrust into her.

 _Holy Christ it felt good.  
_  
Bella was forcefully torn from her very, very good dream by that stupid Owl City song about lady bugs or dragonflies or fireflies or whatever the hell it is.

She hated that fucking song.

 _Alice._ She registered blearily as she grabbed the phone. "Alice?"

"Of course it's me!" Alice bubbled and Bella instantly wanted to strangle her. No one should be this chipper when she felt so tired. "Oh, Bella. Italy is so amazing, I wish you were here. You would just love it."

"Alice, Christ, do you know it's six in the morning here?" Bella groaned into her phone.

"Oh," Alice said, having the decency to sound apologetic. "I forgot about that. I just woke up. It's three in the afternoon here."

There was a pause as Bella yawned. "You're alive and that's awesome. I'm going to go now."

"No, wait! Bella, why do you hate me?" Even from across the world Bella could tell Alice was pouting.

She sighed, reminding herself she needed to whisper. "Because I hate lying, Alice. And your family is really nice. I really hate lying to them and I'm really,  _really_ bad at it." __

 _Also, I am now having sex dreams about_ your  _cousin who thinks he's_ my  _cousin and therefore I cannot pull him down by that ridiculous hair of his and superglue our lips together._

Alice had the audacity to giggle. "You really are bad at lying. Look, Bella, it will be okay."

"Whatever," Bella grumbled. "I'm really going now."

"I love you, Bella!"

"I still hate you, Alice," Bella said.

After a moment of thought Bella picked up her phone and texted Alice.

**Also - If I get a chance, I'm going to fuck your fiancé, Jasper. He's hot.**

Then she very purposefully turned her phone off. Let Alice stew on  _that_ for a while.

Bella tried to go back to sleep but she found as soon as she closed her eyes she was inundated with thoughts of Edward's cock; at least, the cock that her dreams had endowed him with. She didn't know what her subconscious was playing at. First of all, to torment her with the very boy she couldn't have and then to cause the sensations that ran through her body. The memories of the dream were so real - but the feeling was impossible because Bella was a virgin.

_Stupid, fucking subconscious._

After a while she decided it was early enough to get up, since she wasn't going back to sleep anyway. Since her body was already heated, she slipped into the bathroom and turned on the shower. She stood under the hot spray, teasing her nipples and working her hands lower as she let her dreams become her fantasies.

She exited the bathroom sometime later, hoping that Edward didn't need to use the shower anytime soon because she'd used up all the hot water. Of course, because it was just her luck, she heard Edward's door open just a few minutes after she shut her own. The shower started almost immediately. Cringing, she waited to hear his startled cry as the cold water came on.

Curiously, it never came.

What Bella didn't know was that Edward wouldn't have noticed the hot water was gone because Edward had  _intended_ to take a cold shower. He was having dreams of his own and had awaken in a quite a state. Knowing that he had to spend the day with her, he'd thought he'd taken care of his problem an hour or so earlier. However, as he was lying there, Bella got in the shower and images had assaulted his mind of exactly what she looked like beneath the warm spray.

 _Stupid, fucking, teenage hormones._ He lamented silently as he shivered under the frigid water.

When he had showered and dressed, he went downstairs to find Bella sitting at the counter in the kitchen, talking to his mother.

"No, it's really fine, Esme. I  _want_ to go with the boys."

Esme frowned, looking perplexed. "Kenna told me you love to shop."

Remembering what Bella had said the night previous about only going to please her mother, Edward stepped in. "I'm sure you and Rosalie are going to shop again, Mom. Take her then." He looked over at Bella offering her a lopsided grin. "Don't be jealous that I got to her first."

Esme chuckled and ruffled Edward's hair affectionately. "I suppose you're right, dear. I should let you two get caught up anyway."

Bella shot him a grateful smile and Edward tried not to acknowledge the warmth that he felt in the center of his being.

This was going to be a long day.

The doorbell rang at a quarter to eight. Jasper was standing out on the porch looking sleepy. "What are you doing here, Jasper?" Edward asked. "We weren't supposed to leave until later."

Jasper smirked at him. "We need to stop by Newton's before we leave."

"For what?"

"You think Bella has anything resembling hiking boots?" Jasper asked, giving him a superior look.

Edward rolled his eyes but inwardly cursed himself for nothing thinking of that. "Good thinking," he acknowledged.

"Course," Jasper drawled as he meandered into the house, "brand new boots are going to hurt her feet just as much. At least they have better traction."

Edward reflected that he was good at foot massages before he scowled to himself and shook the thought away.

"Good morning, Hells Bells," Jasper greeted, putting on his widest and most charming smile as he walked into the kitchen.

Bella looked amused. "Hells Bells?"

Jasper shrugged in explanation and Edward rolled his eyes. They changed the subject to hiking boots and at that Bella frowned. "It seems like such a waste to buy something I'll only wear once."

"Well, you can't wear your Chucks," Jasper reasoned. "I guess you'll just have to find an excuse to wear them again."

Esme took the moment to guide Edward aside. "You remember to go at her pace, Edward. She didn't grow up climbing the rocks out here like a billy goat."

"I know, Mom," Edward assured her. His mother handed him a backpack filled with lunch, water and basic medical supplies. It was a bit much because they weren't going far, but his mother was a worrier, so Edward accepted the pack without question.

The trio set out then in Jasper's car. They arrived at Newton's just a few minutes later where Edward had to bite back the urge to punch Mike Newton in the face as he was a little over zealous in his quest to help Bella find a good pair of boots.

What the fuck was wrong with him? Edward was not normally such a violent person.

It made him feel slightly better that Bella didn't seem to notice the way he was looking at her. Still, Edward felt the need to say something. "Hey, Mike. How's Jessica?"

Mike looked up at him as if he hadn't realized the two boys were there. "What?"

"Your girlfriend, man," Jasper chimed in easily. He leaned in closer, a sympathetic look on his face. "Is she still mad over that night? You know, most guys have that problem. I mean...Edward and I have never, but most guys do. I heard that."

Mike's eyes grew wide and horrified. "What the.. Who told... What are you?" he sputtered. He looked at Bella as his mouth moved a vaguely fish like fashion, and then he stood and walked wordlessly to the back of the store.

"What was that about?" Bella asked, glaring at Edward and Jasper in turn.

They had been sharing smug and triumphant expressions, but as soon as they realized that Bella was irritated, both of their grins fell in tandem. "Well," Edward started.

"Erm," Jasper contributed.

Bella sighed. "He was just trying to do his job."

"His job doesn't include staring at your chest," Edward huffed.

"I don't have any chest to stare at," she scoffed.

"Yeah you do," Edward protested. "You have...well... uh." He gave up trying to get his foot out of his mouth with his dignity intact and took the boots out of Bella's hand, moving as quickly as he could to the front of the store.

Mike had retrieved his mother from the back and Edward thrust Bella's boots at her along with his debit card. He was signing the slip by the time Bella and Jasper caught up with him.

"You bought them?" Bella asked, looking perplexed as Edward handed her the bag.

"Sure did. This way you don't have to worry about only wearing them once."  _And you're not obligated to go anywhere with Jasper._  "It was our idea to go hiking anyway."

"You have to let me pay you back," Bella said.

"What? No." Edward wasn't used to a girl not liking gifts. It went against everything the girls of Forks High taught him.

"You have to let me. You can't just buy them for me, they're expensive," she protested.

Edward stared at her for long moments, seeing that she was serious. Money was not a big deal to him, it never had been, but it obviously was to her. He sighed. "I'll tell you what, you can owe me. It'll be a favor. If I ask you to do something then you have to do it."

He was very careful not to let himself think about the kinds of favors he wanted to request from her.

"Ugh," Bella said, stamping her feet a little. Behind her, Jasper covered his mouth to hold back a chuckle. He shared a look with Edward that clearly read  _This chick is kind of adorable._

Jasper had a very expressive face.

"You sound like A…a friend of mine from home," Bella said in a rush, blushing for some reason Edward couldn't figure. "That kind of promise never ends well for me."

Edward raised an eyebrow, smirking at her. "Well, I guess you'll just have to deal with it then."

Bella glared at him. " _Fine,"_  she grumbled. "One favor. Anything you want."

Edward did his best to hide his grin at winning this ridiculous argument with this ridiculous girl as the trio made their way back to Jasper's car.

It was only a few minutes later that they were pulling into the park. The boys didn't let Bella do anything, leaving her to watch them as they gathered a number of bags. "You should let me carry one," she said, feeling bad that she didn't have so much as a fanny pack.

Alice would have been appalled at the very thought that someone using her name would wear a fanny pack. Of course, that made Bella wonder where one could purchase a fanny pack because, at that point, she was ready to muddy Alice's name a little. In effigy.

Edward looked up at her as he tightened the straps of the backpack. "This one is a little heavy for a first timer and all of Jasper's are his camera stuff. He wouldn't let anyone carry them anyway. Particularly people who trip over their own feet," he teased lightly.

Bella blushed. "Hey, I tripped over the little people." Shaking her head, she turned toward Jasper. "You have a camera? Are you a photographer?"

He smiled at her as he continued checking to make sure he had all the lenses he needed. "Amateur photographer," he corrected. He raised a camera with a large looking lens and snapped a picture of Bella before she could protest. He smiled as she blinked, shocked. "I like capturing images of pretty things."

A rush of pleasure spread through Bella and she found herself smiling back at Jasper, flattered at his attention even while she was slightly embarrassed at having her picture taken. She was about to open her mouth to argue when Edward brushed passed them.

"Come on, we should get going," he said brusquely.

Jasper furrowed his eyebrows, staring after his friend with a mystified expression on his face. He glanced at Bella and shrugged, slipping the strap of the camera over his head and shouldering the bag with all his different lenses.

"Wait," Bella said as she followed them. "The trail is over there." She pointed to the well marked trail they'd parked by.

Both of the boys grinned at her. "Come on, Bella. From all the stories I've heard about you all my life, I know you're not a stay within the lines type of girl," Edward said, tilting his head at her curiously.

"Right," Bella mumbled as she began walking again.

It wasn't as bad as she expected it to be. As he promised, Edward set a very slow pace. The boys obviously knew their destination and it didn't take them all that long to get there.

Just passed the tree line they emerged into a clearing - a small bluff overlooking a calm, wide river.

It was gorgeous. "Wow," Bella breathed as she looked out over the gentle water.

Jasper looked out over the view, a content smile on his face. "Edward and I have been coming here since we were twelve. It never gets old."

"Really?" Bella asked, imagining them hanging out here under the trees.

"Yep," Jasper responded. He put his camera case on the ground and began digging through the various lenses distractedly.

Edward set the pack down beside one of the larger trees and Bella tore her gaze away from the river to see what he was doing.

The tree Edward was now beneath had a long, thick branch from which a thick looking rope dangled. At t end of the rope was a disc looking thing. It was obviously a rope swing. Bella went over, tugging on it curiously.

"You want to swing?" Edward asked, amused at the speculative look on her face.

"Oh, no," Bella said quickly, letting go of the rope. "That's not such a good idea for me. I tend to fall off things that are even slightly off the ground.

Edward grinned at her and tugged the rope over to him. He stepped onto the disc and swung a bit. "Easy, see? You won't fall," he said and hopped off of it, holding the rope out to her.

Biting her lip, Bella shook her head. Part of her really wanted to, but an even bigger part of her didn't want to spoil this trip by having to be carried out of here.

Though, the idea had merit if it was Edward who would do the carrying...

"You want to do it, I can see that you do," Edward prompted.

Bella just shook her head again.

Edward pursed his lips, watching her for a moment. "How about this. I'll get on, and you climb on with me. That way I can hold you up."

"What?" Bella exclaimed. "No way. It would snap under both our weights."

Edward rolled his eyes. "First of all, Jasper and I hung this here four years ago and it has held all this time. Secondly, you're tiny."

Bella opened her mouth to object again, but Edward said, "This is my one favor. There. Now you  _can't_  say no." He looked very pleased with himself.

"No fair," Bella mumbled, watching Edward climb back on the thing.

"Enough excuses," Edward admonished her teasingly. He held out his hand. She looked at his fingers, noting with some part of her that they were ridiculously long, but even that thought didn't distract her from the trepidation.

There were days when she had trouble not falling when she was  _on_ the ground.

"I won't let you fall," Edward murmured, leaning closer to her.

Bella's eyes flitted to his and she could see nothing but sincerity reflected there. She realized suddenly that she trusted him. Completely.

Taking a steadying breath, she put her hand in his.

Edward squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Put your right foot here," he indicated a spot with his toe. She obeyed and he tugged her up, his left hand winding around her waist as hers went around his back. Bella let out a light gasp but he could see she was smiling. Her right hand gripped the rope right beneath his.

Keeping his hand at the small of her back, Edward began to sway them gently. It was a fun, free sort of motion and Bella found herself grinning with the slight exhilaration it caused in her. With Edward holding her she felt safe and could enjoy the sensation of flying through the air.

As for Edward, he was watching her. For a moment he completely forgot who they were or why they were there. He was caught up in her delighted smile and the way uncertainty melted from her face, becoming unadulterated enjoyment. She looked so carefree and lovely, with one hand wrapped around the rope and the other around his back.

Bella looked back at him then, and her grin became a small smile as she saw the soft look in his eyes. The green landscape all around them seemed to disappear because it was nothing to the green of his eyes. The exhilaration she felt as he swung them a little faster and a little higher became a sort of elation. It wasn't just the speed and the height though. It was this feeling of warmth in the pit of her stomach and the energy that flowed between them; their bodies beckoning to each other.

All but forgotten by the duo, Jasper had turned from his landscape to find a very beautiful, but also very disturbing image happening to his right.

On the one hand, the young couple on the swing were stunning. Both of their hair whipped around them in the slight breeze they were creating. Her hair was the deepest mahogany, wild and free as it fell around her. His was thick, untamed and an odd, alluring bronze shade. They were staring at each other with smiles on their faces; the connection between them obvious to even a casual observer.

Jasper had never seen his best friend look at anyone like that.

He frowned slightly and turned his camera on them. The lens never lied to him. Humans, sometimes, were prone to misinterpreting emotions based on assumptions or prior feelings. The camera, though, would preserve any given moment for later study. He snapped a few shots of them, entirely unnoticed.

When he glanced at the digital screen, the pictures he'd just taken screamed at him one horrifying message.

Edward and Bella were in heavy duty like with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I don't know who's worse at keeping secrets, Bella or Edward.
> 
> Love to DizzyGrl28 for beta work.
> 
> Talk to me people.


	6. In Which Jasper Has A Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ATTENTION: FF was being kind of a bitch when I posted the last chapter so make sure you've read chapter five before you amble on to chapter six. Give you a hint…Edward and Bella were on a horse. ::snicker::
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me.

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful. The three teenagers had fun. The Olympic National Forest gave Jasper ample material for his camera. Edward spent a lot of the time showing off his ability to climb tall trees until Bella went from impressed to worried to downright terrified.

"Edward Cullen!" she'd shouted up at him. "You are going to fall and die and I won't be able to get your body out of the tree to bring it home to your mother! Your mother, Edward! Think of your poor mother! She'll be left with only Emmett!"

He laughed, the sound making her smile even through her terror. "Well, when you put it that way…" he shouted back as descended.

Through it all, Jasper simply observed. He was quieter than usual, and it spoke to Edward's complete distraction with his cousin that the younger boy didn't notice.

It wasn't just Edward either. Jasper could see from the curve of her soft smile and the way she looked at her cousin, biting her lip unconsciously, that she was just as enamored. Jasper couldn't speak for Bella, but he had known Edward all of his life. Throughout all the teenage bullshit that was high school, Edward had always seemed above all the drama. He rolled his eyes at the lovesick kids…only to fall for his cousin? Jasper was dumbfounded…and disturbed.

When they got home that day, Esme was in the living room with Lucy and Rosalie. She smiled fondly at all of them as they came in the door. "Hey kids, did you have a good time?"

The three of them nodded and Esme turned her attention to Bella. "Why don't you join us, dear?"

As Bella went to sit on the couch with Esme, Jasper grabbed Edward by the arm, steering him toward the staircase. "We need to talk," he said.

Reluctantly, Edward let Jasper pull him away.

Bella watched them curiously for a moment before turning her attention back to the three women.

"The boys didn't leave you behind today, did they?" Esme asked. "I know they can be rambunctious."

"No," Bella assured. "They didn't take me too far - just to a very nice place by the river. Edward showed me a few places that he said he, Jasper and Emmett liked to go as kids. Jasper had his camera and he told me a little about how the lenses worked. That was pretty interesting," she said to feed their maternal pride.

Lucy Hale grinned. "My boy is very talented with his camera - among other things."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "For Christsakes, mom, " she mumbled. Her mother had been driving her crazy all day wondering aloud if Jasper was charming Bella. She was dead-set on the idea that they would make the cutest couple.

"What?" Lucy turned to her daughter. "It's true."

"Whatever," Rosalie responded, shaking her head. She turned to Bella, offering her a small smile. "I need your help."

Rosalie proceeded to all but beg Bella to go with her and the two mothers the next day. Apparently, much more shopping had to be done - table adornments viewed and flowers selected and all the other nonsense that went with planning a wedding.

Esme and Lucy had griped that Rosalie and Emmett had popped this news on them at the last second. Rosalie wanted an elaborate wedding that could have taken half a year to prepare for to be planned in the space of only a month. They were down to the two week mark and there was much left to do, but apparently the mother's sense of style was clashing with Rosalie's. The matron of honor was no help, being much more simplistic in tastes than her best friend.

"I need someone who knows what looks fantastic, not just good," Rosalie had groused.

Alice, Bella knew, would have been the perfect person to help Rosalie with her wedding. Bella simply didn't give a shit. Oh, sure, her best friend had babbled on about cuts, styles - lace vs satin and all that crap, but Bella's eyes had always glazed over when she did. She couldn't remember a word of it.

However, as they expected that she would enjoy it, and Rosalie seemed to genuinely want her to go, what could Bella say? She had to agree.

While Bella was left to Esme, Lucy and Rosalie showing her what had been selected so far, Jasper all but dragged Edward up to his room. "Jasper, what the hell man?" Edward said, yanking his arm away from his friend.

"I need you to see something," Jasper said, not looking at Edward. He walked over to the other boy's computer, quickly hooking up the USB connection from his camera into it.

Edward watched him, confused. Maybe he had taken a particularly beautiful picture. Then again, he didn't look excited, he looked …well, rather grave.

When Jasper got to the pictures he wanted he made them full screen. Edward's breath caught, but not immediately for the reason that Jasper was trying to make clear to him. No, Edward was, not for the first time, struck by the beauty of Bella's smile. The picture was one of the two of them on the swing earlier that day. Bella was grinning and she was, to him, radiant.

"You see – that right there!" Jasper exclaimed, pointing at the adoring grin that had spread across Edward's face.

Edward's smile dropped instantly. "What are you talking about?"

"This, Edward," Jasper said, pointing at Edward's picture on the screen. "Look at the way you're looking at her. I've never seen you look at any girl that way. Your music collection and your guitar – maybe. But not a girl."

"I'm not looking at her any way," Edward denied.

Jasper held his gaze. "You like your cousin, man."

Edward opened his mouth to refute this but Jasper's glare said that he wasn't going to believe his lies. The younger boy's mouth opened and closed several times as the defensiveness left him. His shoulders slumped. "I-I-I… I'm trying not to."

Even though he had already seen it, hearing Edward admit to it was quite another thing. Jasper's eyes went wide. "Whoa. This is fucked up."

"I know that," Edward growled. He began to pace the room, running his hand through his hair. "When I first saw her, I didn't know who she was. I just…I don't know, Jazz. I've never felt this way…especially about a stranger. Then, after I knew who she was, I kept on trying not to look at her that way, but she's just so…fucking cute."

"Jesus," Jasper said, incredulous. Edward was really coming undone over this.

Edward groaned and sunk down onto his bed, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. "I don't know what to do, Jasper. I can't ignore her."

Jasper considered for a long moment. "I'm going to help you out," he declared suddenly.

"How's that?" Edward asked, looking up at his best friend.

"I'm going to ask Bella out like I originally said," the other boy said decisively.

"What?" he said, more sharply than he intended.

"Hear me out, man. Look, typically, you have a thing for a girl and I back off – right? I mean, that's guy code. However, you definitely don't want to have a thing for this girl, right?" Jasper asked, looking at his friend pointedly.

"Right," Edward agreed reluctantly.

"Okay then. So, opposite applies. If I'm interested in a girl, you wouldn't want to mess with that. Guy code," he reminded. "Maybe, if this girl is otherwise occupied, with your best friend no less, your brain will shut your fucking hormones off."

"It's not my hormones," Edward muttered, really irritated with Jasper's brilliant idea but unable to find a way to protest it. "Well. It's not just my hormones."

Jasper stood and clapped Edward helpfully on the back. "Don't worry. This will help. You'll see."

Edward just groaned again, wondering how he was going to battle wanting to kiss his cousin while simultaneously trying not to kick his best friend's ass.

"What if I want to kill you?" Edward asked, feeling pissy.

"Well...don't," Jasper offered.

"Oh, well I guess there is that," Edward mumbled.

"This girl is going to be the death of me."

Bella was not very happy with Alice. The thought of all the shopping she was going to have to do tomorrow was making her very grumpy.

She noted that it was six in the evening Forks time, which meant it was three am where Alice was. Feeling vindictive, she decided that she was going to forget about the time difference so she could harass her best friend. It was necessary anyways. She needed to know if Alice had called McKenna. McKenna was a lot of things, but she was still a mother above all.

Bella took a moment to appreciate the size of the Cullens' house. Even as filled with people as it was at the moment – Emmett and Carlisle having come home from wherever they'd been that day – there were still plenty of places she could go to have a conversation without being overheard.

She decided the second floor was her best bet; Bella remembered that there was a library and sitting area in the farthest corner of the house. She might have hummed the James Bond theme to herself as she glanced around, making sure no one saw her as she darted into the room.

To Bella's irritation, Alice sounded wide awake and chipper as always when she called.

"Bella! I was just thinking of you," she greeted as she picked up the phone.

"I'm sure," Bella said warily. "What the hell, Alice? It's three in the morning where you are. Why are you awake?"

"Still jetlagged," Alice sighed. "I guess that means I'm going to sleep through the morning again." She giggled. "But then, the nights are …well… so much better."

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Bella asked, a weird sense of dread creeping over her. That was the same tone their mothers got when they were cooking up some harebrained scheme that she would, doubtless, have to talk them out of.

"Oh, Bella, I met these two great guys today…or yesterday…whatever. Anyway, their names are Felix and Demetri – they're Italian but they speak perfect English…in this fuckhawt Italian accent of course," she giggled dreamily.

"Wait!" Bella protested. "Alice! What are you doing with them? Haven't you seen Taken? What if they string you up on drugs and sell you to a prostitution ring?" she worried.

"Settle down," Alice said, sighing. "I swear you're going to go prematurely grey. I'm not stupid. I'm being careful. The party we're going to tonight is in the bottom floor of my hotel. Other than that, they're taking me to shops and sights. There are tons of people everywhere we're going."

"Alright," Bella relented. She knew that Alice knew how to take care of herself. Charlie had made sure that both girls had been enrolled in self defense courses since they were twelve years old.

"Have you called your mom?" Bella asked. The silence on the other end of the line painted a very clear picture of Alice's guilty face. "Alice, come on. I'm lying through my teeth for you to your family. You have to keep her from calling here!"

"Okay, okay. I'll call her as soon as we hang up. Wait! I can't believe I almost forgot!" Alice exclaimed excitedly.

"What's this about Jasper? Who's Jasper? And why did you call him my fiancé?"

At this Bella smirked. Nothing excited Alice like boy talk – something that she was sorely lacking with Bella as a best friend. "You don't remember Jasper? He sure remembers you."

"Belllllaaaa," Alice whined. "Tell me."

Bella pretended to hem and haw until Alice's voice became unpleasantly wheedling. Then she proceeded to tell Alice all about how she left little Jasper heartbroken. Alice demanded pictures. The girls said goodbye with Alice promising to call Kenna and Bella promising to send pictures of Jasper – who, she reiterated – she was going to jump in Alice's stead.

She wasn't really sure that Alice believed her.

"Oh, Bella?" Alice asked right before Bella hung up.

"Yeah?"

"You knew it was three in the morning here."

"Yeah."

"Then - why did you call?"

Bella glared a little at the phone before deciding to stick to the truth - for once. "My hate for you is coming out as vindictiveness."

"Humph," Alice replied. "Well, maybe if you finally lose your v-card you'll forgive me. Of course – it's my name he'll be calling out."

"I'm hanging up, Alice!" Bella said, and then she did.

Shaking off her irritation, Bella decided that since she was already there she might as well call her father.

"Bells? Is everything okay?" Charlie answered instantly, sounding panicked.

"Uh, yeah, everything's fine. Calm down. Why are you upset?" Bella asked, perplexed.

"Well, it's three-thirty in the morning where you are. Why aren't you asleep if something isn't wrong?" Charlie asked, sounding confused.

Bella did a straight out face palm. "Ummm. Jetlag! Yeah. I'm still really jetlagged," she blurted.

The rest of the conversation went quite a bit smoother. Bella assured Charlie she was enjoying her time, staying in well lit places with large groups of people. Everyone had been friendly and her nights were spent locked safely in her room.

As Charlie started to talk about the cruise ship, Bella heard Esme calling everyone for dinner. She faked a yawn and Charlie hung up after obtaining her promise to call again soon.

At dinner, Jasper talked to her almost primarily. Edward stared down at his plate, stabbing at his vegetables every once in a while. What Bella didn't notice was that Edward's assault on his carrots and broccoli coincided with the instances Jasper subtly flirted with her.

Luckily for Edward, no one else was paying attention to him. Emmett and Rosalie were making goo-goo eyes at each other. Carlisle, Esme and Lucy were chatting about something completely uninteresting to any of the teenagers, though Lucy kept glancing between Jasper and Bella.

"So, Bella," Jasper began.

Edward's fork clattered to his plate. "Jasper! Why don't you…uh. Why don't you show Bella the pictures you took today?" Edward asked suddenly.

Jasper narrowed his eyes at his best friend. "Really, Edward? You want me to show her the pictures from today?" he asked, his voice heavy with implication.

"I mean…the other pictures," he said quickly, looking down and flushing a deep red.

Esme, Carlisle and Emmett were staring at him like he'd grown another head and Jasper was outright glaring at him. Feeling very bad for him, even though she was supremely confused as to what the hell was going on, Bella cleared her throat. "I'd really like to see your pictures," she said gently to Jasper. "Whichever ones you want to show me."

When Jasper looked over at her his eyes softened. "Really?" he asked.

"Yes," Bella said sincerely. "I'm curious about what your lens captured."

Edward, who had grabbed up his glass of water and started to gulp it down once all the eyes were off him, choked suddenly, sending a spew of water over the table.

"Edward," Carlisle said, watching his son hack and cough. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Edward rasped, trying to control his coughing. "Wrong tube. Can I be excused?"

Perplexed over Edward's abnormal behavior, Carlisle just nodded mutely. Edward pushed back from the table, picking up his plate and heading for the kitchen. Only a minute later his footsteps were heard on the floor.

Jasper shook his head in Edward's general direction before turning back to Bella. "So. Anyway. Hells Bells, take a walk with me?"

As soon as Esme assured Bella she had plenty of help cleaning the kitchen, Bella followed Jasper outside. He walked with her down to the river that ran behind the Cullens' property.

Bella reflected that there was a hell of a lot of rivers in Washington.

"I was wondering," Jasper eventually said after a few minutes of easy conversation, "If you'd like to do a little sight seeing. With me, I mean. Alone."

It was refreshing to Bella that unflappable Jasper could get nervous too. Even still, her cheeks heated predictably. "I'd like that."

Jasper's grin was dazzling. It wasn't Edward's lopsided smile, but it was definitely not what anyone would consider unattractive.

Positive male attention from a charming, interesting boy was not a bad thing, Bella reminded herself internally.

She couldn't quite soothe the pang in her heart that desperately wished it was Edward out here with her instead of Jasper.

The next day found Bella in Port Angeles surrounded by highly opinionated women and a very, very, very bored Emmett.

It had been an hour. One hour and Rosalie was still trying to decide on an accent cloth. An hour ago, Bella wouldn't have been able to tell what an accent cloth was because, really, why did you need a table cloth for the table cloth?

Bella made a mental note that she was never going to get married. If anyone actually convinced her that marriage was a necessity in a relationship, she vowed to herself that the drive-thru in Vegas was more than good enough for her.

She studiously pushed away random thoughts of what Edward would look like in a tuxedo. Those types of thoughts were stupid even when you weren't pretending to be someone's cousin.

What next, Swan, Bella griped at herself, you start doodling Alice "Bella" Cullen in your notebook?

Bella had found a chair and was pretending to flip through a catalogue, though she wasn't even seeing the pictures. Really – the fact that accent cloths even existed, let alone that there were whole catalogs devoted to them and cloth napkins, was making her vaguely ill. Ridiculous.

"Emmett," Rosalie's exasperated voice cut through Bella's abstraction, "If the napkins and the table cloth and the accent cloth don't compliment each other, the dress AND the cake - the whole wedding will be ruined!"

"Babe," Emmett reasoned, "That's all the more reason for me not to be here. I'm really good at fuc-," he glanced guiltily at his mother and future mother-in-law, "messing things up. You can't trust me with these types of decisions! They're just too important."

He could see that Rosalie was considering this, but she was still glaring at him. "Look – ask Balice – that's what you brought her for, isn't it?"

At the sound of Emmett's very annoying nickname for her, Bella's head snapped up. "What?"

"This is your bag, isn't it kid?" Emmett said, begging Bella with his eyes. "I don't know the difference between…what was it, babe?"

"Cream and eggshell," Rosalie gritted out.

"Right. But I bet you do, right, Balice?" Emmett asked, practically begging.

He just looked so…desperate. "Sure?" Bella said uncertainly, standing and walking to the group.

"Perfect!" Emmett all but shouted. "Look, I trust you. Everything you do is amazing," he said to Rosalie. "Just text me when you need me back here!" He kissed Rosalie on the lips and both mothers on the cheek before scooping Bella into a bear hug. "I owe ya kid," he said into her ear, and then he was gone before they could blink.

"Come on, dear," Esme soothed, going to Rosalie and tugging gently on her arm. Rosalie was glaring at the door that Emmett had just exited with her hands on her hips. "He'd probably think magenta was an acceptable wedding color anyway."

Rosalie perked up a little more as she showed the various colors to Bella. They all looked the same – varying shades of white and white, but Bella tried to pay attention, knowing that this decision was very important to Rosalie. Taking hints from Rosalie's tone as to what she really wanted, Bella was able to help her make a few decisions.

When she looked up she noticed that Esme was smiling at her in a maternal way. "What?" Bella asked timidly.

"Oh, it's nothing, Bella," Esme said with a small sigh. "I was just thinking what a remarkable girl you've turned out to be. I expected you to be so much like Kenna- you know, she would have been flitting around here ordering us around," she said fondly.

Bella snorted softly. "That sounds like her alright," she admitted, thinking that it sounded a lot like Alice too. If Alice had been here, she would have been talking Rosalie into an entirely different color scheme. Knowing Alice, Rosalie would have loved it. Even though she hated the process, Bella had to admit that Alice had an eye for things like this.

It was ironic. Bella was beginning to realize that Alice would have had a lot of fun here. She and Rosalie would get along and she would have loved to be a part of putting a wedding together.

Sighing quietly to herself as her thoughts returned to a certain bronze-haired boy, wondering what he was doing right that moment, Bella frowned.

Alice also wouldn't have been fighting an increasingly intense attraction to her cousin.  
After all – Edward was not at all Alice's type.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: To my darling reviewers – I love each and every one of you. I'm sorry I've fallen behind with review responses. I'm usually good at responding. Sigh. I'll get to you. I promise. You are my sunshine.
> 
> Speaking of sunshine – Dizzygrl28 is my beta extraordinaire. If you're into the entirely heinous Carlisle/Bella pairing you should go read her fic – Teacher's Pet.
> 
> Now. Make me a happy gal? Press the button.


	7. In Which There Is Thumping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To my darling CellaCullen - who is, as we read, on her way to me so I can harvest her liver...I MEAN...love her IRL style.
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me.

The day of Jasper and Bella's date-trip to Port Angeles, Edward was moody. Which, luckily for him perhaps, nobody thought twice about.

Unluckily for him, Emmett was having one of those moments that people about to encounter a huge life event are prone to. He was thinking over his childhood, seeing as he was about embark on a journey that was sure to bring kids of his own. He was feeling kind of sentimental and maybe a little weepy - when no one was watching of course - about the bygone days.

Cheesy, cheesy stuff. He was glad his inner monologue was just that - inner.

Either way, it prompted him to seek out his little brother. Maybe he could impart some older brother wisdom or some such thing that you always saw in the movies. Maybe Edward needed to know how to properly eat a girl out like that kid in American Pie - the one who was just lame, not the Pie Fucker, Stiffler or the guy who grew up to be Chris Klien.

Emmett found Edward in the living room, kind of pacing around like he was irritated about something or another. The older boy sat on the couch and just watched, trying to figure out what was wrong. Edward would wander over to a stack of magazines, rifle through them restlessly, then wander over to his piano, sit, stand, and sit again.

The doorbell rang and his head snapped up, his eyes tightening. Definitely anxious. He took two steps toward the door only to come to a halt as Bella came running down the stairs. They stopped, stared at each other for a moment, before Bella turned toward the door and Edward turned back into the living room.

It was Jasper, of course. He greeted Bella with a charming smile - full of teeth and dimples.

Emmett watched curiously as Edward flung himself onto the couch, hunkering down and pretending to read a magazine.

Except that anyone could tell he wasn't really reading. He was flipping the pages too fast for one thing, and when he did that, he actually tore a couple of them with the force he put behind it.

For another thing, he wasn't actually looking at the pages. He was looking  _over_ the magazine. At where Jasper and Bella were talking in the foyer to be exact.

Lastly, the reason Emmett was sure he couldn't be reading the magazine... it was upside down.

Emmett watched his brother, noting that whenever Jasper leaned in and touched Bella's arm or gave her a particularly charming grin, Edward would grimace and flip the page with ... gusto.

It took Emmett a little bit to fit together. He'd never seen Edward angry at his best friend, and he was most certainly angry now. Being the older brother, Emmett could recognize Edward's pissy face anywhere. More often than not, it was him who'd put it there. On purpose.

Was Edward angry that Jasper was flirting with Bella? Emmett tossed the idea around a few times in his head. It didn't make a lot of sense.

Then it dawned on him.

What if Edward had finally realized that he wanted Jasper for himself?

For years, Emmett had held the belief that Edward was gay. The boy just didn't have much interest in the fairer sex and really - what kind of a teenage boy didn't? It was unreal, Edward had more teenage girls throwing themselves at his feet than Emmet had had during high school and yet he seemed entirely disinterested.

Whenever Emmett had broached the subject in the past, Edward had rolled his eyes and pointed out that he didn't have particular interest in any of the boys either. He figured college wasn't that far away and there would be a larger selection.

It was true that Edward was particular. He didn't really have any friends outside of Jasper. After he'd given up on the whole, 'Have you considered that you might be gay, Edward' campaign, he had started in on the 'Have you considered you might be gay specifically for Jasper, Edward' campaign.

Well, what? They boys had a bromance going on that perplexed Emmett. They spent a lot of time in Edward's room playing their guitars and singing songs that probably talked a lot about their feelings.

That was met with even more eye rolling and a campaign by Edward designed to illustrate that he was, indeed, more interested in the humans without dangly bits. To that end, Emmett was shown Edward's porn.

Emmett now knew that his little brother was a kinky bastard.

He could have gone the whole rest of his life without that tidbit of information and been happy about it. When he voiced this opinion to Edward, the younger boy had merely grinned and said, "Karma is a motherbitch."

Still, Emmett couldn't shake the feeling that there was something going on between his brother and his best friend. Maybe it was just because he wanted Edward to be happy. Being a teenager was all about figuring yourself out and part of that was figuring out how to love and who to love. He had been lucky enough to go through all that exploration phase with the same girl - the beautiful girl who had grown into the gorgeous woman he was about to marry. Rosalie had been, his first holy-shit-my-fingers-are-in-a-pussy-and-it's-fuckwarm, his first, third, fourth and sixth relationships.

Edward, on the other hand, had yet to get through his first relationship. Emmett had to admit he didn't know about the rest of it - and he didn't necessarily want to know thank-you-very-much. However, he was just concerned that, developmentally, Edward was behind.

Jasper left with Bella and Edward glared at the closed door with obvious irritation in his eyes.

"Dude," Emmett laughed. "You have a crush!"

Instantly, Edward dropped the magazine he was holding and stared up at Emmett with wide, panicked eyes. "What? No I don't!" he said, too quickly.

"You totally do. I saw the way you were looking at them."

Edward got up, his face angry and defensive as he looked anywhere but his brother. "That's sick, Emmett. Just sick. She's our cousin! How could you even think-"

"What? She..." Emmett interrupted, thoroughly confused. He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to figure out what his brother was talking about.

Horrified at what he might have just given away, Edward tried to change the subject. "Wait - who are you talking about?"

"No. No, no," Emmett said, putting the pieces together. "Balice? Really, Edward?"

"Her. Name. Is. Bella!" Edward yelled.

Emmett stared at his brother incredulously. "Oh, my God, you really do have a crush on her."

"No, I don...Emmett, fuck, you can't tell anyone," Edward said, crumbling back onto the couch with his head in his hands. "Fuck. I'm too obvious. First Jasper, now you," he mumbled.

It dawned on Emmett then that Edward was really upset. That was understandable; the boy seemed to be head over heels with his cousin. While it was true that Emmett loved teasing Edward - that was, in his opinion, his job as the older brother - he also didn't want to see his brother suffer. "No, no, Edward. It's fine," he comforted.

Now it was Edward's turn to stare at his brother incredulously.

"Look," Emmett began, putting his rarely used serious face on, "The whole taboo thing about kissing cousins is only bad when you have babies with webbed feet. It's not like we grew up with her. So you know...looking is fine. You're only human and...objectively, she's," Emmett grimaced because she just wasn't his type. "She's pretty.

"And smart," Edward mumbled distractedly. "And feisty."

 _Christ, kid has it bad,_ Emmett thought. "Right. So anyway, looking is fine. You're only human. For instance - I love Rosalie, you know. I'm counting down the days until I get to marry her and officially take her off the market for all the other motherfuckers out there. However, that didn't stop me from appreciating that Lauren Mallory's breasts have just about quadrupled in size since the last time I saw her. Like, holy crap man."

Unbeknownst to Emmett, Rosalie had stepped into the room. Luckily for Edward, she had only caught the conversation from " _I love Rosalie_." Unluckily for Emmett, she had heard the bit about him staring at Lauren Mallory's breasts. Emmett and Edward both jumped a mile high as she whacked her fiancé across the back of the head. "EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!"

"Christ, woman, how the hell do you do that! Do you have radar for when I'm going to say something stupid?" Emmett asked, rubbing the back of his head.

Rosalie scoffed. "With you, Emmett? It's a pretty safe bet that if your mouth is open, you're saying something stupid. "

"Um, Rosalie," Edward interrupted somewhat timidly. "How much did you hear?"

Realizing abruptly that she had interrupted a serious conversation between the brothers, Rosalie looked at Edward with a rare, gentle expression. "I didn't hear anything, Edward," she assured him. "I'll leave you alone...but if it's girl problems and you need me to slap a bitch, just let me know. I know Esme and Carlisle have raised you both not to hit a woman, but my mother took no such precautions with me."

Despite his preoccupation, Edward grinned. "Thanks, Rose."

Emmett stood up. "I don't think you're going to have to slap anyone, babe, but that image is kind of hot, not going to lie." Before he could get smacked again, Emmett hurried on. "Anyway, I'll be back. My brother needs a stiff drink.

"Your brother is seventeen, Emmett. And it's not even noon."

"Oh, right," Emmett ruffled his hair, thinking. "Uh... ice cream."

"You're such a chick sometimes," Rosalie grumbled, but there was a hint of a smile playing at the corner of her lips.

"Pssshhht," Emmett scoffed. "You don't need a vagina to appreciate ice cream when you're down, woman."

With that, he grabbed Edward and dragged him out of the house.

"Thanks for that," Edward said as he was buckling himself into the passenger seat of Emmett's jeep. "Emmett...if you didn't think I had a crush on Bella...who were you talking about?"

Emmett just waited for Edward to put two and two together. He could tell Edward got it when he groaned. "Not this again. I thought you were over this."

"I could be over it," Emmett said, turning slightly to give his little brother a look. "but then I'd have to find something new to tease you about. Come on Edward, you can tell me. I've seen your porn folder. Where do you hide your incest porn?"

"Emmett!" Edward protested.

"You're a kinkier bitch than I gave you credit for."

Edward slumped down in his seat. This was going to be a long afternoon.

Meanwhile, Jasper and Bella had reached their first destination - First Beach.

Their little date was...nice.

They strolled along the beach and Jasper took pictures of the flickering, driftwood bonfire some of the locals from La Push had going. He told Bella about the unique colors from the fire and how they were caused by the salt from the sea water. He did  _not_ mention that it was Mike Newton who told him that year's ago.

Jasper made the mistake of leaving Bella alone on the beach while he went to retrieve them some sandwiches for lunch. What Jasper didn't know was that a trio of teenagers from the reservation had been watching them for quite some time. As soon as Jasper was out of eyesight, the biggest of the bunch plopped down beside her on the fallen tree she was sitting on while the other two came to stand in front of her.

"Hey," said one of the standing ones, the only one of the three with short hair. He was kind of squinting in a cocky, grand sort of way. "I'm Quil Ateara."

"And I'm Jacob Black," said the boy sitting next to her. Bella noted that he had a broad smile, the whitest teeth she had ever seen and a neck that was really kind of freaking her out.

Deciding to play along with these kids, she turned back to the one who had yet to speak. "Embry Call," he said, looking just the slightest bit uncomfortable. "I'm just the wingman."

"I see," Bella said. "Bella Swaaa...err Brandon– I'm here with someone."

"It's a free world and all that," Embry said, shrugging. "Free beach."

"Besides," Jacob said, getting her attention then, "You don't know it yet, but once you go Black, you never go back to pasty white, pretty boys."

Bella had to laugh at the sheer audacity of these kids. Highly amused, she let them keep up with their innocent flirtations until the Jacob boy tried to casually sling his arm around her. Then she stood up, hands out as she faced him. "That's impolite."

Jacob just smirked at her and was about to say something else when a firm hand on his shoulder distracted him. He looked back to find an irritated Jasper glaring at him. "Beat it," Jasper commanded.

Jacob narrowed his eyes. " _That's_  impolite," he said to Bella, before turning back to Jasper. "This is my rez."

Jasper rolled his eyes and extended his hand to Bella. Glad at how the possessive display warded off the Quileute kids than at the thrill of the intimate gesture, Bella slipped her hand in his and let him lead her off.

They found a more secluded spot on the beach, and Jasper entertained her with stories of growing up around Forks. Bella tried not to seem as interested as she was in the stories about Edward – particularly about how he'd gotten caught in a strong wave the year previous and had ended up stranded on a large outcropping of rocks ….

With no swim trunks.

So, the day progressed. It wasn't unpleasant in the slightest. Jasper was good company and charming to boot. He was attentive and listened and was easy on the eyes.

Bella reflected more than once that Alice would love Jasper. Just absolutely adore him. And a few of the things Jasper said made Bella feel like he would have loved Alice too.

Yes, Bella liked Jasper very much. But he just wasn't enough to distract her from thinking about Edward.

As their date dwindled to a close and they drove back to the Cullens' house, Jasper - who was proving to be quite the charming, gentle soul - gave her a kiss on the cheek and a look that said he wouldn't mind doing more, but he wasn't going to push her.

As previously mentioned, Jasper had a very expressive face.

Then he asked if he could see her again and she quipped that she was in the same house as his best friend and that was likely. Jasper chuckled and waited for her to go inside before he drove away.

Once she got inside, Bella rested her head on the door briefly, trying to quell her fantasies that one day it would be Edward who would kiss her goodnight – though not on the cheek. No, most definitely not on the cheek.

In the meantime, Edward was trying not to think about goodnight kisses because if he did, he would have to spend more of his time thinking about his best friend kissing Bella.

The one advantage to being Jasper's best friend was that Edward knew Jasper almost always kissed on the cheek the first date. Jasper said it was to give them just a little taste – something to think about, so he could go in for the kill on the second date.

Ever the fucking strategist.

That was the disadvantage of being Jasper's best friend. Edward knew from long experience that Jasper could easily wrap women around his fingers if he so chose to.

Trying to distract himself, Edward wandered downstairs. He was surprised to find Bella lingering in the hallway with a wistful expression on her face.

Ever the awkward masochist, the firsts words out of Edward's mouth were, "So, did you have a good time? Get a goodnight kiss?"

The last part came out with a squeak – the way he'd talked when his voice was breaking. He blushed.

"It was nice," Bella replied, too quickly because she had been daydreaming about him and felt like he could read her mind. "Kiss on the cheek."

She blushed.

Edward rubbed the back of his head, unsure of what to say then.

Bella bit her lip and shuffled her feet again.

"You wanna watch a movie?" Edward finally blurted at the same time Bella said, "Where is everyone?"

"Mom and Dad are out for the evening, and Emmett is…er…otherwise occupied in his room with Rosalie," Edward answered, shuddering a bit at the last admission.

Bella smiled. "Sure, let's watch a movie," she answered.

In the living room, Edward gestured to a huge collection of DVDs and Blu-Rays that took up a tall, wide, cabinet. Bella looked over the DVDs. Seriously, how did they ever make decisions in this house? How did you figure out what CD you wanted put on when you had a bazillion? How did you figure out what movie you wanted to see? Even if she'd had a movie in mind, the amount of DVDs that were in front of her would have distracted her.

It was like waving something long and stringy in front of a cat.

Edward watched, bemused and twitterpated.

If he'd have been a fuzzy bunny in a certain deer movie, his big fucking foot would have been thumping in hyper speed.

She was just so cute. If one was watching her every expression, and Edward found that he couldn't look away, you would have seen first her eyes go wide like Admiral Ackbar's 'It's a trap!' face, then her eyes darted everywhere as if not knowing where to go first, then her eyebrows furrowed with a look of concentration that clearly said  _'I will make this DVD collection my bitch'_. At that point he was struggling not to laugh. When she then pursed her lip, nodded decisively and started spinning around, he had to muffle his chuckles with one of his mother's decorative throw pillows.

Bella stopped twirling when she felt dizzy and nearly toppled over. Once she'd steadied herself, she looked to where her hand had handed randomly on a bright, orange DVD case.

She made a delighted sort of sound. "You have Arrested Development!"

"Of course," Edward said, his voice muffled by the pillow.

"What?" asked Bella.

Edward put the pillow down and made an effort to straighten out his face. "I said, no, we don't really have it. We just have the DVD case to make you think we have it."

For just a second, Bella looked perplexed and disappointed. Then she narrowed her eyes at him and pointed a finger. "You think you're funny, Cullen. But looks aren't everything."

First Edward blinked, realizing that he'd been insulted. Then he chortled.

Then, because he was a perverted bitch and he just couldn't help himself, he got up off the couch and stalked toward Bella. Her eyes went wide as he came toward her and she backed up until she ran out of room. Edward leaned into her requisite three feet of bubble space. He ducked his face down by hers. His lips a fraction of an inch away.

That was where his ill conceived plan went south.

He'd wanted to freak her out a little, just to see the faces she would make. But when their bodies got close his insides twisted. His stomach fluttered. His chest felt warm. He was suddenly fighting the urge to put his lips to her skin. Her neck. Her cheek. Anything. He wanted to touch it and kiss it all.

They stared at each other, the atmosphere becoming thick and heavy with this want.

With shaky hands, Edward grabbed the DVD from Bella's hands as he'd been intending to all along, but instead of being able to smirk at her, he had to turn away quickly.

 _Babies with webbed feet,_  he reminded himself as he fed the DVD into the Blu-Ray player.

Meanwhile, Bella recovered from her shock and sat carefully at one end of the long couch. Edward turned around, had an internal debate with himself, and then sat at the opposite end...on the floor...just in case.

He just didn't need one of those cliché things happening where she fell asleep on his shoulder. Not because he didn't want it to happen - but because he did. He  _really_ did.

They got to watching and the atmosphere between them got both a little bit uncomfortable and a little bit more intense between them.

It got awkward because they had both forgotten that one of the main story arcs in Arrested Development was the story between Michael Cera's George Michael and his on screen cousin Maebe who he definitely maybe wanted to make out with. Among other things.

The situation was just a little too close to home.

The atmosphere was more intense and the air between them charged because George Michael and Maebe, as they both remembered, did find reasons to kiss. Edward and Bella were both caught in little fantasies of their own, wondering if maybe they could figure out an innocent way to kiss each other.

Edward was so wrapped up in his musing that he didn't notice when Bella nodded off. He didn't notice that, since there was no shoulder to fall on, she kept falling, until she was lying down on the couch. He really didn't even notice her hot breath on the back of his neck as it happened to be in line with the path his daydream had taken him.

He did hear it when his name tumbled from her lips breathlessly.

"Mmm. Horse. Edward," she murmured, and then she gave a quick little gasp.

_Holy Christ._

She was dreaming about him.

And it was one of  _those_ dreams.

As her murmuring continued Edward turned so he was kneeling on the floor, his face right near hers, just fucking basking in all the tiny moans and the way his name sounded when she said it. He had no idea what she was talking about when she said horse, or something about 'won't fit' but he didn't rightly care as the rest was making him giddy.

And…other things that he couldn't acknowledge at that moment.

He hadn't noticed how close he'd gotten to her until she suddenly shifted, moving forward in her sleep and putting her lips to his.

It was both the most amazing and most natural thing in the world.

Edward's eyes fluttered closed as he kissed her back, their lips moving together with ease. Her hand fell to his hair, scratching it lightly – almost like one pets a cat; distractedly.

When her tongue darted out and against his lips Edward moaned.

The loud noise made him open his eyes wide and he realized what he was doing. He leaned back, panting lightly, watching in vague horror as Bella's eyes fluttered open.

"If your pre-come is made of diamonds, would that make our babies sparkly?" she mumbled sleepily.

"What?" Edward gasped, completely and utterly confused…and oddly turned on by her use of the word pre-come.

Bella blinked a few times, coming fully awake. She seemed startled to find him so close to her.

Then a look of utter horror spread across her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to my darling Melly for beta. I cannot wait to see you again on Friday. Me, CellaCullen, dizzygrl28 and tellingmelies are gonna be under the same roof y'all... Be frightened.
> 
> THIS is one of the most motherfucking brilliant fics I have seen in my entire life. If you're not reading it - you should be. It's angsty. It's hysterical. The Jasper is just...well...at one point he has sex with you. WITH. YOU. And it works...and it's motherfucking hot... and omg. This is just one of those fics that is so brilliant you literally hop around the room because you cannot stand that it's so good, or I do anyway: Twinned - find it on my faves or do this: s/5960142/1/Twinned
> 
> I love your reviews. I'm over being bad about them so I promise I'll respond this time. Promise. Let me know.


	8. In Which Carlisle Has Balls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To my darling CellaCullen who I - somewhat miraculously - managed to avoid murdering while she was here. And whom I love. Really. REALLY.
> 
> Disclaimer: SM created them. I'm just playing with them without profiting.

Edward and Bella both gasped – Bella sitting bolt upright on the couch and Edward skittering backward on the floor like a crab.

"I didn't mean to do it!" they both blurted at the same time.

They blinked at each other, confused.

"Wait…what didn't you mean to do?" Bella asked.

Edward stood, ruffling his hair awkwardly and looking anywhere but her. "I uh…" he stumbled. He let out a breath, annoyed at himself. "I didn't mean to kiss you back."

Bella's eyes widened. "You kissed me?" She paused, then her eyes got even wider...almost frighteningly so. "Wait…you kissed me back? I kissed you?" she screeched.

Nothing had ever made her screech before, and she was best friends with Alice.

Her face was puce, Edward decided. He grimaced worriedly, as that could not be a healthy color. Then it dawned on him that Bella wasn't exactly aware of what they'd been doing before she'd opened her eyes. "If you weren't talking about kissing me, what were you talking about?"

"Uh…" Bella grasped, looking for something, anything to distract them. "Look, it's getting late and I'm tired. I'm going to bed," she declared, standing up decisively.

"Oh, no," Edward said, moving quickly to stop her. He grabbed her wrists, holding her still.

Bella gasped, her eyes darting to his and again the atmosphere around them changed; charged with an energy that was warm like fire and buzzed like static.

"What didn't you mean?" Edward asked, his voice low and huskier than she'd ever heard it.

Caught by his intense eyes, Bella was helpless to do anything but answer. "It's just that … I was dreaming…and I know that I talk in my sleep," she hedged.

"You were dreaming about me," he acknowledged. "You said my name." Among other things.

"I didn't mean to," she whispered, her heart beating out of control because he didn't look disgusted and he hadn't let go of her wrist.

His eyes seemed to be yearning for something…but they were worried, too. "Didn't mean to or didn't want to?" he asked.

She blinked sporadically, noticing belatedly that her vision was starting to blur. With a gasp, Bella realized she'd been holding her breath. She sat back down on the couch, Edward releasing her wrists as she did. He sat beside her, with only a few inches of space between them.

It didn't seem like Edward had been expecting an answer, so Bella took a moment to gather her thoughts. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "I really kissed you?"

He nodded, looking at her carefully.

"And you kissed me back?" she verified.

He nodded again, a little sheepish. She didn't seem to be bothered. She seemed…wistful, more than anything else. "Tell me what you're thinking," he said quietly.

Her lips quirked, the color in her cheeks heating to a much more healthy pink instead of the horrible puce. "It's just that…I've never kissed anyone before," she admitted. "So, I guess when people ask me about my first kiss, I'll have to say I don't remember."

Edward's lips turned down at the corners as he thought about that. "Well…that's not fair. It was a pretty good kiss."

Neither of them said anything for a moment, and they both looked away, trying to ignore the tension between them.

Failing.

"We-could-kiss-again," Edward blurted suddenly.

Bella blinked rapidly, replaying the words, first because she didn't understand what he'd, said and then because she wasn't sure if it was possible that she had heard him right.

"I mean," Edward said quickly, "It's only fair, right? You should be able to remember your first kiss. You shouldn't be cheated out of that just because..."

"Just because if anyone else in the world knew what we were doing they would shun us?" Bella suggested.

Edward grimaced, and then he gave her a mischievous grin. "We can pretend we're in Alabama."

"That's a vicious stereotype Edward Cullen," Bella admonished, smiling. Then she studied his face for a moment, gauging his seriousness. "It wouldn't be...weird for you?"

"I remember the kiss," he reminded her. "I'm already weirded out. There's no going back for me."

"Right," Bella nodded in mock seriousness. "I mean, it's only fair if you have to be creeped out that I should be too...seeing as I started it."

"You did start it," Edward agreed, his eyes on her lips, noting that they were parted slightly. He had been kissed before, but it occurred to Edward then that he had never initiated a kiss himself. Figuring that as long as it seemed to be a night for firsts, he might as well keep the ball rolling and tilted his head down. "My turn," he said, leaning in all the way and capturing her lips with his before she could change her mind.

He felt her soft gasp - but her lips were only still for a moment before she was tilting her head up, angling against him as they briefly kissed once. With their lips still brushing, they searched each other's eyes, but there was no awkwardness in that moment. Moving as if they were one, they both closed their eyes and came together again.

Because it had felt so good to him, Edward moved his hands to her hair, running his fingers through the long tresses in a soft, rhythmic motion as she had done with him. Her hands came up to his cheeks, and for a brief second Edward was terrified that she was going to push him away from her. Instead, she cupped his face, letting the pads of her fingers stroke and explore.

He whimpered. It had to have been the girliest fucking noise he'd ever heard come out of him. He might have been embarrassed had it not been for Bella's response. She shifted on the couch, getting onto her knees so that she was now an inch or two above him and his head was tilting up at her.

Edward decided he liked multiple angles.

Not to be outdone, he darted his tongue out, sweeping it across her bottom lip. Bella responded instantly, opening her mouth to let him in. Edward had limited knowledge about tongue kisses but he recalled somewhere in the back of his mind that he was supposed to massage her tongue with his. He was pleased when she let out a little whimper of her own and noted it had to be the hottest sound he'd ever heard ever.

That was when things began to go south for Edward. Namely, all of his blood went south. It didn't help that he suddenly recalled where he'd heard the tongue massage thing. Cruel Intentions was one of his favorite movies, and the aforementioned French kiss was between two very sexy female characters.

With a gasp, Edward tried to move back. His coordination at that point left something to be desired and he failed to move his hands away from her head before he moved. As a result, he landed on his back on the couch bringing a startled Bella down on top of him.

She blinked several times, trying to figure out what had happened and why he was gripping her arms the way he was. Then she slid down a little bit and figured out pretty quickly what his problem was. Edward hissed as she moved over his semi, and Bella froze. Her cheeks flushed crimson, once again showing off the diverse array of colors they were capable of.

Simultaneously saving them and damning them at the same time, was the sound of the garage opening. Their eyes went wide and Bella rolled, landing on the floor beside the couch with a yelp. Before Edward could even ask if she was alright, Bella had picked herself up and was hurtling toward the stairs.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Edward muttered under his breath, feeling like a total pervert. He sat up on the couch, rubbing his face and trying to assume an innocent expression. Noting that his problem had subsided at the thought of his parents catching him macking on his cousin, he breathed a small sigh of relief as he trained his eyes forward - not really seeing anything on the television.

His parents came in and greeted him then, his mother ruffling his hair affectionately. He watched them closely, but they didn't seem to find anything amiss. He started to breathe easier when Emmett came pounding down the stairs hand in hand with Rosalie.

Unlike his parents, Emmett's eyes caught a few things rather fucking amiss indeed.

For instance, his brother's hair was currently a mirror of his, though copper penny to his darker shade. However - while Emmett had a fiancé, Edward did not have anything remotely equivalent.

And their cousin had come running upstairs like a bat out of hell.

Emmett bid his time as his parents wandered in the direction of the kitchen and Rosalie gave him a thorough kiss goodnight. Then he flopped down next to Edward on the couch and looked at the screen. "Dude, seriously?"

For the first time in a large number of minutes, Edward actually saw what was happening on the television screen in front of him. He turned an interesting shade of scarlet, proving he was compatible with Bella in yet another way, as they even had a matching range to their blushes.

On the screen - George Michael was kissing his cousin Maebe.

~0~

In the meantime, Bella had been upstairs trying to catch her breath and make her brain return to its semi spongy consistency. At that moment, it felt more like the consistency of that sugary stuff they spread on cinnamon buns – all warm and oozing and sticky.

Very sticky.

Her brain…not other things.

Well…maybe other things too.

In her bathroom, Bella turn on the faucet and splashed some cool water on her face. She stared at herself in the mirror noting the flush of her cheeks and her manhandled hairdo. She grabbed her brush and began undoing the damage Edward's ridiculously long fingers had wrought. As she brushed, she addressed herself sternly.

_No more making out with your non-cousin Isabella_ _**BRANDON** _ _.  
_   
_I cannot be held accountable for things I do in my sleep._ _**He** _ _was wide awake. What the hell was he doing with his face so damn close to mine that I could kiss him in the first place? Answer me that._

_Dude… he doesn't actually know you're not cousins. That's more than a little weird…and pervy. Really pervy. Edward Cullen makes out with his cousins! What does that say about your tastes?_

_Holy shit, I just made out with Edward. I need to tell Alice!_   
_  
Yeah, right. Tell Alice that you attacked her cousin with your tongue, she won't freak out on you at all._

Bella frowned at her reflection.  _Maybe she deserves to flip out, did you ever think of that? This is all her fault. She's selfish. Selfish, selfish, selfish and now I can't ever kiss Edward again. Even if he knew we aren't cousins he'd be pissed because I've lied to him all this time._

_Also – he probably would think you're insane because you're sitting here talking to yourself!_

With an irritated and frustrated growl, Bella splashed water at the mirror, distorting her aggravating reflection. She spun on her heel and decided that she should say hello to Esme, Carlisle and Emmett.

"Oh, Bella, I'm glad you're here," Esme said, smiling as Bella came down the steps. "Come sit down."

Bella considered her options. Esme and Carlisle were on the loveseat, Carlisle's arm resting over Esme's shoulders. Edward and Emmett were on the sofa with space in between them for her.

Avoiding Edward's eyes, Bella sat in the arm chair instead of moving to the sofa.

As Esme explained to Bella that they were going on a family outing to Olympia bright and early the next day, Edward watched her carefully.

She was definitely avoiding him. She couldn't even look at him.

Edward frowned to himself. He didn't like the idea of Bella being uncomfortable around him. Part of him felt that maybe it was for the best if she kept her distance. It'd certainly be easier to not want to kiss her all the time.

Most of him, however, was disgruntled at the idea of not having her nearby. He'd liked kissing her – good Lord how he'd liked kissing her – but he liked talking to her too.

Talking was cousinly, right?

He tuned back into the conversation just as his mother said, "And Jasper will be coming along too," and then gave Bella a knowing look.

Bella blushed.

Edward scowled. Then he quickly looked away when he saw Emmett raising an eyebrow at him.

Great. Tomorrow was going to be yet another very long day.

~0~

As promised, the Hale clan showed up bright and early the next morning. As the two families moved about the house, getting ready, Edward found himself in the kitchen, trying to escape the Jasper and Bella flirt fest going on in the living room.

Unbeknownst to him until it was too late, the flirt fest was almost preferable to the conversation going on at the breakfast table.

The mothers were giggling.

Just before he entered the kitchen, Edward heard Bella's name and stopped short, listening.  
"I just think it's a nice little summer romance, that's all," Lucy was saying to Esme.

Edward could hear the smile in his mother's voice when she replied. "Right, I'm sure that's all you're thinking about. Teenage summer romances."

"It is!" Lucy protested. Then she gave a small snicker. "You must admit, they're cute together. They'll have a little fun this summer and then Bella will go back to Phoenix and Jasper will go to WU. They'll keep in touch. Maybe she'll apply to Washington University. Then they'll date throughout college…and hopefully I'll be planning another wedding at the same time I'm planning the second baby shower for my daughter."

Esme was practically rolling with laughter by the end of Lucy's musings. Edward was not even remotely amused. He found that he was gritting his teeth rather hard, in fact.

He decided to find something else to do.

Not too long afterward, they had all piled into different cars. Emmett had insisted he wanted to spend more time with his brother and had steered both himself and Rosalie toward the Volvo. Esme had hissed to him that Bella would be uncomfortable without at least one of her two cousins - why didn't Edward go with Jasper and Bella?

Lucy innocently suggested that Jasper and Bella could go along in a third vehicle.

Rosalie, knowing her mother was trying to set Jasper and Bella up and not knowing of Edward's attraction to his cousin said that was a horrible waste of natural resources.

Both Jasper and Emmett were about to argue but Edward readily nodded his head, putting on a completely serious tone. "The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business," he reminded his mother.

Carlisle raised an eyebrow at Bella as if to ask  _What the hell is going on with these fuckers?_  Except that Carlisle was quite dignified and refined so it was probably more like  _Pardon me, Bella, do you happen to know why my wife and children are acting so strangely?_

Bella shrugged back in a gesture that clearly said  _Beats the hell out of me - I haven't known these people for very long._

However, deciding that she was through being talked about as if she couldn't make a choice for herself, she politely thanked everyone for their concern and climbed into the backseat of the Volvo decisively.

Edward tried to hold back his grin - which turned out not to be difficult as Jasper climbed into the backseat with her just a moment later. Rosalie declared she wanted to catch up with her in-laws and headed toward the Mercedes with Lucy in tow. Emmett sighed, wondering vaguely if he was in trouble for something as he got into the passenger seat.

The drive to Olympia was long for everyone except Jasper.

It was long for Edward because he kept on glancing in the rearview mirror. He just couldn't seem to stop. Jasper had his most charming façade on and it was irritating Edward to no end. On top of that, he found himself caught up, as usual, in Bella's expression. Of course, when he tried to make himself stop looking, the time would only pass slower because he wanted to look – desperately at times.

The ride was long for Emmett because he had to keep reminding Edward to watch the road. He tried just about everything. Jokes fell flat with his brother even when Jasper and Bella laughed. It proved impossible to have a conversation with the kid who was entirely too distracted. That was when Emmett began considering the possibility that his family was going to end up on some sort of Jerry Springer type talk show – "Our Family Tree Doesn't Branch" or "I'm the Uncle of a Webbed-Footed Baby". He would still be a good uncle, he reasoned. He would have a pool built for his niece or nephew where they could out swim everyone.

Because the thing that Emmett had noticed was that Edward's attention was far from unwanted by Bella. It had occurred to him after the fact that if Edward's hair had been a replica of his – and Rosalie was the cause of his bodacious bed head – then Bella was the cause of Edward's.

Which was the reason that Bella's trip seemed longer than it really was. She was trying to listen to Jasper, and she wasn't oblivious to the gentle flirting he'd been doing all morning. It still pleased her – made her blush and made her a little giddy that he saw her as someone to be flirted with. She found his conversation and company very interesting and appealing. The thing was, all of that couldn't override the heat and the wonderful tingles she felt when she was around Edward. She could feel when his gaze was on her and struggled not to look at him constantly. As it was, she snuck little glances into the mirror almost unconsciously…and when their eyes would meet the other two boys in the car seemed to fade away entirely.

It was ridiculous and maddening.

The only one not going just a little bit insane in that vehicle was Jasper. He had his charm turned all the way up and was concentrating on making sure that Bella forgot her cousin even existed.

What he didn't know was how often Bella found herself thinking Alice would love Jasper when he spoke. Jasper was charming, witty and confident – all things Alice prized in men and often lamented that she couldn't find in their high school dating pool. More than that, he seemed strong enough to handle a firecracker like Alice; grounded enough to keep her on earth.

He would be good for her.

Finally, the ridiculously tension filled trip was over and they were in Olympia.

It struck Bella how natural she felt in this family – as if she belonged. Part of her wished that she really was family and she could keep them forever. Then again, if she was related to them, she would be feeling as … icky as Edward obviously was.

She could see it in the awkward, guilty way Edward acted all afternoon. Occasionally, he would lose himself in the easy conversation – but when he looked at her his words would falter and he'd look away quickly.

It didn't help that Emmett and Jasper kept on giving him warning looks.

What as that all about?

She didn't have time to dwell. They were going, going, going all day long.

Early afternoon found them at a miniature golf place. Emmett had begged the rest of the family until they'd agreed to go. Edward complained that wasn't miniature golf a child's thing and Emmett had told him that obviously he hadn't ever been on a mini-golf date. Besides, he was leaving all things childhood behind and this was his last hoorah.

"Oh, Emmett," Lucy gushed, "You'll be back here with your own children before you know it."

Bella thought the soft, tender look between Rosalie and Emmett then was just about the sweetest thing she'd ever seen.

Bella was more than a little nervous about her golfing prowess, but the others shushed her and told her that no one could mess up that badly at mini-golf and they would choose an easy course. As there were six different colored balls and eight of them, Esme and Lucy declared themselves score keepers, immediately denying Bella when she tried to claim that title.

The ball colors were as follows: Bella – green, Rosalie – purple, Carlisle – yellow, Edward- red, Emmett – blue, Jasper – orange.

The inevitable scuffle over colors broke out as Emmett tried to wheedle the red ball out of Edward's hands. Jasper looked at Bella and proffered the orange ball with a smile.

"I like green," Bella assured him.

"I thought you said yesterday that orange was your favorite color," Jasper teased easily.

Bella's smile faltered a bit as she realized the reason for the switch. She just couldn't get the image of Edward's intense, green eyes out of her head. "I like green today," she mumbled, stubbornly holding onto the ball.

Jasper just shrugged, thankfully not figuring the reason for the switch.

As Bella suspected she was horrible at golf, but the Cullens and Hales never let her feel self-conscious about it. They were all having too much fun and the different ways Bella found to get her ball anywhere but the cup was too hysterical – even to her. She even managed to ricochet her ball off a wall and beamed Carlisle right on the head. Emmett and Edward both laughed so hard they literally fell over onto the damp grass as Bella apologized profusely.

"That's alright, Bella," Carlisle assured. "That's the first time since college I've had balls flying at my head." He winked at her gaped mouth expression as his sons' laughter turned to looks of utter horror. Then it was him and Esme who were cracking up.

"You know – Edward is still seventeen for another week. That could still be considered child abuse – putting images like that in the poor kid's head," Emmett admonished them with mock sternness.

A few holes later, Emmett – slightly distracted at that point – put his ball in the deep v of Rosalie's ample cleavage. He grinned at her. "Hole in one!" he proclaimed.

At first, Rosalie said nothing as the rest of the family hid their giggles, unsure of how she was going to react. She smiled sweetly at her husband-to-be. "It's appropriate that the ball is blue. I can tell you about two other balls that are going to be blue when I cut you off from sex forever."

Emmett's grin fell.

Toward the last hole, Bella's ball got stuck. Try as they might, none of their tactics could get it back. In the end, all the adults – and Emmett – were shooed away to the next course while Jasper volunteered to go retrieve a new ball for Bella. Esme directed Edward to be nice and keep his cousin company.

When everyone was gone, they finally looked at each other.

It was weird.

Bella sighed – aggravated. "How do we make this…not weird?" she asked.

At that Edward had to laugh. "Bella, this has never been not weird."

"That's true," she considered, smiling back just a little bit.

They looked at each other again, small smiles tugging at their lips. Then they giggled at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.

Their shared look lingered a little too long, the heat and tension between them beginning to lap; trying to draw them closer together. Their grins faltered.

"I know," Edward said suddenly. He walked over the green a little ways where there was an artificial pond of water built to look like a jungle watering hole. Using his putter, he guided a green ball through the dirt and debris of the water until it was closer to him. Then he got on his belly on the green, fishing the ball out of the water.

"Ew – isn't that water gross?" Bella asked, watching him.

He grinned mischievously at her. "I don't know, is it?" he asked as he flicked the water toward her.

Her little yelp as she tried to dance out of the way made him giddy.

"Here," he said, setting the ball down on the little groove for her. "Look," he gestured with his head to the hole in front of them. "You see how the wall tilts just right there? If you hit the ball just right there, it will go toward the hole. You see where I'm saying."

Bella nodded and stepped up to the ball. She started to swing, but he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. He was sure not to get close to her, trying not to turn this into one of those cliché moments where he held the putter with her.

Suddenly what Emmett said about mini-golf making a good date made perfect sense.

Shaking that thought away, he mirrored Bella's position on the green. "Gentle," he instructed, demonstrating a smooth, easy swing.

His nearness and the way the world had, once again, condensed down to just the two of them, made Bella feel heavier – as if the air was weighted by the tension between them. It slowed down her swing.

Together, they watched her ball travel the L shaped hole. They watched it hit the spot Edward had pointed out. They watched it get closer to the hole…and watched it fall in.

Bella blinked sporadically. Then she started to jump up and down, pleased. She spun toward Edward who was wide eyed and open mouthed. "Edward, I did it!"

"Bella, that was a hole in one. Do you realize no one else made a hole in one here? This was not an easy hole!" Edward said, grinning at her then.

For the non-athletic and uncoordinated – a hole in one at the mini-golf course made Bella feel like Tiger Woods.

Minus the whole harem scandal thing.

She had her own scandals to deal with, especially because in the next second she threw herself into Edward's arms without thinking.

His arms automatically went around her and their giddiness over her hole in one turned into something else entirely.

And they both wanted to kiss. Like…really badly.

Which, of course, was exactly when Jasper decided to make his reappearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Tee hee. I can't keep this up for much longer folks. I'm thinking…five chapters more at the most. At the MOST.
> 
> Thanks to my lovely, lovely IRL friend Jenfer for middle of the night beta work. MWAH.
> 
> ZOMG do you realize that when this updates again we most likely will have seen Eclipse! SQUEEEEEE.
> 
> Hit zee button. HIT IT. DOOOO EEEET.
> 
> Please?


	9. In Which Bella Forgets To Be Alice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To my irrational Texan, Cella. I love you despite the irrationality because you love me despite the fact that I'm a bitch. MWAH. Always gurl.
> 
> Disclaimer: I'm fairly sure my Bella curses a lot more than Stephenie's. But still, Bella and everyone else herein belongs to SM.

Edward and Bella were making ooey-gooey eyes at each other.

This was fine, except that they weren't alone. Jasper had come ambling back with Bella's ball in his hand – that is  _so not_ what she said – to find quite the pretty picture. Edward's hands were at her waist and Bella's arms were around his neck. And their eyes were ooey-gooey.

And they didn't move when Jasper cleared his throat; they didn't even notice he was there.

Watching them was making him crave smores.

Jasper cleared his throat again – louder this time and more drawn out. It was more like an "Ah-ha-ha-hem," than his original, "Ahem."

That had the desired effect. Edward and Bella all but flew apart, their cheeks turning corresponding shades of bright, maraschino cherry. "Bella got a hole in one!" Edward said, a little too loudly.

Bella nodded furiously. "Right. Hole in one. It's a really hard hole. I've never gotten a hole in one before."

They looked at Jasper. Jasper looked back and forth between them, one eyebrow cocked and his lips pursed. He looked at Bella and then grinned his big, gorgeous grin. "Well, congratulations then, Hells Bells," he said, tactfully sidestepping the obvious tease at her use of really hard hole.

Edward, who had been holding his breath to that point, let out a gusty sigh of relief. His relief was short lived as Jasper cast him a glance that said -  _I know exactly what was going on here_.

As has been previously noted, Jasper was possessed of a very expressive face.

Then it was Bella clearing her throat. "Sorry for wasting your time, Jasper. Edward figured out a way to get my original ball back," she said quietly.

"It wasn't any trouble. I'll just keep it for now. We still have nine holes for you to lose your ball in," he said good naturedly.

All three of the teenagers bit their lips to keep from making the obvious jokes.

~0~

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. Edward and Bella did their best to keep away from each other. He would find himself absently staring at her only to look away sharply when she felt his eyes on her and looked up. She would watch him out of the corner of her eye while Jasper tried to keep her entertained. Bella's face would warm to a pleasant pink as she stared down, trying to quell the giddy pleasure at catching him staring. Edward would turn his head away and grin behind his hand when he realized she was watching him.

Emmett asked Rosalie if Jerry Springer was still on air and was relieved when she said no.

That night the blended family sat down for dinner at a noisy restaurant. It wasn't as noisy as say...a Kings of Leon concert, but it was pretty damn loud. It was loud enough that, when Jasper tried to say something quietly - probably a lewd joke that he didn't want his mother to hear - Bella didn't quite understand him. So Jasper leaned in closer and Bella tilted her head toward him.

The exchange would have been inconsequential, except that Lucy was watching them, as she had been almost all day.

The celebrity gossip rags thrived because of people like Lucy Whitlock. She was one of those people who could read epic, undying romance in even the most innocent of touches. She was the classic example of seeing what she wanted to see.

So, when Jasper and Bella leaned their heads together, Lucy snatched up Bella's phone and snapped a picture of them.

Jasper looked up, blinking in surprise at the flash of light. "Mom?" he said, trying to keep the irritation out of his tone.

"What?" Lucy asked innocently. "Everyone likes pictures, right? Aren't you kids on that... Face Space? My Face?"

"Facebook," Jasper corrected mildly, taking Bella's phone out of his mother's hand and giving it back to her.

When Bella got home that evening and was safely tucked away in her room, she looked at the photo. She and Jasper had a second date the next day and she was feeling plenty conflicted about it.

On the one hand, she knew that turning Jasper down would be extremely suspicious. He was attractive, they got along well; they were carefree teenagers who weren't looking for serious. Looking at the picture, you could tell she at least was enjoying his company - and that was more than could be said about a lot of people. Maybe she would get a few sweet kisses out of it and a fond memory for the future.

However, there was always the other hand.

The other gnarled up, twisted, deformed-in-a-tragic-escalator-accident hand.

It felt wrong to go out with Jasper when all she wanted was Edward. Even though she'd promised Edward nothing, even though it made no sense, it felt like cheating.

Bella sighed, curling up on her side and wrapping her arms around her legs. She didn't like the feeling that was spreading over her. She didn't like that it hurt. It hurt like a motherbitch. It was irritating, too, because it was an ache that was just below the surface of her chest. She wanted to massage it out but she couldn't.

She tried to argue with herself that her feelings were ridiculous. Even if he wasn't her "cousin" , this was just plain ridiculous. You don't fall this hard for a guy you see across a crowded airport. That kind of shit just didn't happen. And it would be oh my God  _SO_  teenage to believe that what she felt for Edward was real.

But it sure did feel motherfucking real.

For once, Bella wished she was an irresponsible teenager who was blissfully oblivious as to how her actions could hurt others. She wanted to run through the doors that connected her room to Edward's. She wanted to figure out how to get him to kiss her again. She wanted to act with her heart.

She wanted to be like Alice.

Bella growled her frustration into her pillow and scrolled to the e-mail that she had received from Alice that morning.

_Bella,_

_Weather is here, wish you were beautiful! No, seriously. I do miss you. Tell me more about your date. Did you get any action? Work it girl. I know you can do it. Just pretend like you're me! I mean, in more ways than one. LOL!_

_Love,_

_Alice_

Scoffing at her phone, Bella almost didn't respond to the message. Right. If she was acting more like her best friend she'd say fuck Alice and her plans and tell Edward that they weren't kissing cousins so that they could just get to kissing.

But, if he knew...he would be pissed. Because she'd lied. She'd lied to all of them.

Not unlike a teenager who was blissfully oblivious as to how her actions could hurt others.

Instead, she sent the picture of her and Jasper with their heads close together with the simple tagline:  _how does it look like it's going. It just sucks that he calls out the wrong name in the height of passion._

That done, she flopped back down on the bed and fell asleep.

~0~

Bella was sure she was dreaming again.

This time there was no boat. No, the thing that gave away her dream status was that Edward was not wearing his constipated-looking Why-oh-why-do-I-feel-the-tinglies-for-my-cousin expression. Instead, he was wearing the cocksure dude-from-the-Old-Spice-commercials smirk.

And he was only wearing a towel.

And his abs looked mother fucking fantastic.

"Hello, Bella," he greeted in that deep voice that did things to her nether regions. He put his hands on his hips. He was vogue-ing. Bella wanted to roll her eyes, but in all honesty if she opened her mouth all that would come out at that moment was a fox whistle.

Or an articulate, "Guh."

"Do you have something to tell me, Bella?" he asked, looking up at her from underneath ridiculously long eyelashes.

"Uh, no?" Bella responded, backing up as he moved toward her. Where were they? Were they in a bathroom? It was a very big bathroom. She kept backing up.

He kept moving forward. "Do you have a date with Jasper, Bella?" he asked coyly.

"Oh," Bella responded, "Yeah, I do." Her back hit something solid and textured. Bella was confused. It wasn't a wall, it was a tree. Suddenly they were outside.  _Fucking dreams._

He pinned her with his arms on either side of her head. There was hardly any room between their bodies and still he leaned in closer, closer until she felt his breath on her cheek. And fuck, did he smell delicious. Like...

Old Spice and Edward.

"Bella," he said, and his voice was impossibly deeper, resonant. "Is it really Jasper you want?"

"No," she mumbled, staring at Edward's lips that were right there. All she would have to do was stand on her tiptoes and she could kiss him again. But she couldn't have him, she reminded herself. "He's nice, though."

Edward smirked. "But, sadly, he isn't me."

Bella had to smile. "Could he smell like you?" she teased.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What?"

She blushed, "Nothing."

The grin came back with comic quickness. "I'll bet he won't take you on a date like I can take you on," he murmured seductively. Then he reached down between them to tug his towel off with a flourish.

"No wait!" Bella cried, throwing her hands up in front of her eyes. She remembered what had happened the last time he unleashed his massive cock. Sure, it had given her much pleasure but the sight of it still terrified her.

Because, really, how had it fit?

Edward just chuckled. She felt his hands slide up her arms to her wrists. He tugged. She opened one eye hesitantly as he brought her hands down to her sides. He chuckled again at the relief on her face when she saw he was wearing khaki shorts. Taking her hand in his, he pulled her along.

"Where are we going?" she asked, looking around at the forest as they walked quickly toward whatever destination he had in mind.

"The cliff," he said simply as if he was saying 'to a pretty meadow'.

"The what?" Bella screeched, planting her feet.

Edward did not let this deter him. Instead, he swept her up into his arms as easily as if she weighed nothing at all. He started to run.

"Edward!" she cried, seeing the cliff only a short distance away.

He didn't respond, he seemed to only run faster. Bella screamed as they approached the cliff, burying her head against his chest as he launched them both over the cliff with a cry of, "Swan dive!"

Conveniently, Bella did not feel the sensation of falling as that would have woken her. However, she did hear a splash and suddenly she was wet.

Because she had landed in water.

The water, surprisingly, was warm and didn't wave like the ocean. No, instead it bubbled. Cautiously, she opened her eyes. She blinked sporadically wondering how they'd ended up in a jacuzzi.

"I'm going to fuck you now," he declared, holding her close, "In a jacuzzi."

"He never said jacuzzi," Bella muttered, a little dazzled by the intensity he was looking at her with.

He rolled his eyes in a very Edward-Edward move and then tried again, "I'm going to fuck you...in the dream kitchen I built with my own hands," he said grandly, and sure enough Bella found that her back was pressed against cool tile on an island in a fantastic kitchen.

This time, Bella didn't protest as he slid his massive, perfect fitting cock into her and leaned down to capture her lips with his own.

~0~

Jasper really knew how to show a gal a good time, that couldn't be argued.

He was charming and easy to talk to. He took her to the Three Rivers Resort on LaPush Road because it actually was a fairly decent restaurant. There was a sign outside that said: No Vampires Beyond This Point that made Bella curious, so Jasper entertained her with Quileute legends about the cold ones.

"Why wouldn't it say 'No Cold Ones Beyond This Point'?" Bella questioned.

"I don't know. I guess that would sound silly," Jasper responded.

"Yeah, because putting up signs for fictional creatures isn't silly," Bella said wryly, and they both smiled at each other.

But even though she enjoyed spending time with Jasper, it wasn't enough to take her mind off Edward. There were notices all around the resort as to how close they were to the ocean and Bella daydreamed that, if she were here with Edward, she could persuade him to walk down to the beach in the darkness. The dark always made her just a little bit scared and she would cling to his arm.

And then he would kiss her fears away.

And maybe they would get sand in uncomfortable places.

She couldn't stop thinking about it, no matter how hard she tried. Her mind would drift back to all things Edward.

It shouldn't have been a surprise then when, as Jasper leaned forward across his center console to kiss her goodnight, she was thinking about Edward.

Some far corner of her mind felt bad, but it seemed very, very distant as her memories took over. She remembered the way his lips had felt against hers. She remembered the breathy little moan.

Jasper was the kind of guy who took physical queues well. He had planned to stop at just a gentle kiss, but when Bella responded to the kiss he was more than willing to take things further. He accepted the invitation of her open mouth, sliding his tongue along hers and making an appreciative noise in the back of his throat.

Bella's arms went around him, her hands gliding up his neck and tangling in his hair.

 _Well, fuck yes,_ Jasper thought.

Still, Bella didn't stop kissing him, so Jasper upped the ante. Experimentally, he put his hands at her sides, just below her breast.

Bella sighed.

Jasper let his hands travel slowly upward, willing to stop anytime she protested.

She didn't.

His hands full on cupped her breasts.

Bella moaned into his mouth, breaking off their kiss because she needed to breathe. "Edward," she whispered as soon as her lips were free.

Jasper froze. He pulled back. "Did you just call me Edward?"

Blinking sporadically at the loss of contact and the sudden change in the emotional climate, Bella said brilliantly, "Huh?"

Jasper let go of her, abruptly straightening in his seat. He rubbed his neck looking irritated and a little disturbed. "This is too fucking messed up for even me to fix," he mumbled under his breath.

By that time Bella had processed exactly what had happened. Her face grew very hot and she felt very, very sick. "I... I didn't call you Edward," she stumbled, but she had always been a horrible liar. "Jasper, your name is Jasper."

He turned to her slightly, smiling without humor. "I know what my name is but apparently you don't."

He was definitely angry. Of course, he had every right to be. This was like a whole other episode of drama. Bella felt horrible because not only had she said another name, but Edward was his best friend.

So much for an uncomplicated summer romance.

On top of that, she was a little panicky that he would tell others she was falling for her cousin. "Jasper, I didn't mean to-"

Jasper cut her off. "No don't go into it. I seriously don't want to know. You're a pretty cool chick, but this is some drama worthy of some stupid Gossip Girl type show and I really don't want to be in the middle."

Jasper really didn't like Gossip Girl. Like, really. His mother and sister loved it.

While he was thinking about how much he hated ridiculous television shows, because it was better than thinking about how Bella would much rather be macking with her cousin than with him, Bella made a hasty escape out of his car and up the steps of the Cullens' house.

Luckily, Esme had been kind enough to give her a key so Bella was able to let herself in. She ran upstairs, ignoring Esme's calls from the living room of "How did it go?"

Because really, what would Bella have said?

 _"Oh, you know AUNT Esme, it was fine until I called out your son's name like a fucking tramp, making a guy who really has only ever been sweet to me feel like shit. Oh, and by the way, I think I really like your son. You know - my cousin - like, REALLY. And I've never liked anyone like this but it had to be your son. Because seriously, if I'm going to be all teenage girl, why can't I just fall in love with a different boy every week like most girls? Nooooo. I have to have the ONE boy that throws me for a loop and he's more unattainable_ _than...than...than_ _... I just don't know what._ "

Bella gasped out loud, needing air. Even though she hadn't said anything out loud, she'd been holding her breath

Closing the door behind her, Bella flopped face down on her bed and screamed her frustration into her pillow.

Bella fell asleep and dreamed of Edward. It wasn't a fun Old Spice dream. No, instead she dreamed that she would walk up to him and he would walk away. Or he would turn and glare. Or she would turn to face him and he wouldn't be there at all. The more she dreamed it, the more anxiety rose in her chest, the more desperate she felt.

And if that wasn't fucked up enough, that god awful fireflies song started playing her dream. It would not shut up.

Bella came awake with a start, realizing she had been dreaming and that it was her phone ringing. She looked at the clock and discovered it was three o'dark in the morning.

Fucking Alice.

"What?" she growled into the phone, not even bothering to hide her annoyance.

There was silence on the other end. "Bella, are you okay?" Alice asked, her voice concerned. She had called up, knowing she was going to wake Bella, and feeling playful. She had wanted to tease her friend and find out all about this date and if the incredibly hot blond boy had actually screamed  _Oh, fuck yes, Alice! -_ because that image was strangely enticing to her - and if Bella had finally, finally lost her V-Card.

All of that went out the window when Alice heard the stress in Bella's voice.

And suddenly all the anger drained from Bella, because above all things, Alice was her best friend, and she was far from okay. The dreams had really fucked with her head and she felt terrible.

Then Bella did something very un-Bella like.

She started to cry. They were such noisy sobs that Alice couldn't even understand her at first.

It took a while, but Alice finally got Bella to tell her everything that had happened between her and Edward. And despite the fact that it made things potentially messy for Alice, she really didn't care.

Because Alice was a lot of things.

True, she was manipulative. True, she was stubborn and did just about anything to get her way. True, she was a spoiled teenage girl.

But she was also a steadfast and loyal friend. She knew that she owed Bella everything for all the times the other girl had been there for her. She knew that Bella had never asked for anything. She followed her mother and Alice's mother and Alice on whatever adventures they wanted. She never complained.

And though Bella didn't ask her to fix it, Alice knew she had to.

Because, though Felix and Demetri were attentive and attractive and fucking sexy, chicks before dicks, right?

Even if they were fine Italian stallions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, I would say that the next installment will be only a week away, but that is not true as I will be ONA BOAT, BITCH!
> 
> Twilight cruise with my darling tellingmelies! WOOOO. AND I'll be turning 28 on that cruise. Bwah.
> 
> Um, I kinda owe my soul to josieswan at this point. MWAH. Thanks for beta work.
> 
> Dun dun dun. Let me know what you think. Are you still with me? I promise I won't stay away for a month again. Just two weeks.


	10. In Which There Are Bratty Puppies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To my darling Cella - thanks for making me write comedy darling. It can be fun.
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer and thusly do not own these characters, though they do own me.

The day after her disastrous date with Jasper, Bella slept in. She just didn't think she could face the Cullens; she didn't think she could lie another day. She was also a chicken. She knew that Jasper could have told someone, Rosalie at the very least, that she was falling for her 'cousin,' and she didn't want to be confronted just then.

Or ever.

Because really, when was a good time for that conversation?

She imagined that Esme and Carlisle would be unnaturally understanding. They would likely feel sorry for her. Poor dear, Esme would say, and Carlisle would look up with those kind, compassionate eyes.

Seriously, how had Emmett or Edward ever managed to lie to them? It felt horrible. They were the kind of people who could make lifelong thieves reform – and Bella was actually a good person, normally, so it was a different kind of torment to lie to them.

Part of her screamed that she should just get it over with. Sure, Edward might hate her then, but maybe that was better. Surely, that was for the best anyway. The sooner that Edward hated her, the sooner she would get over this ridiculous crush.

The problem was, the very thought of Edward hating her made Bella feel like dying in a very  
melodramatic teenager sort of way.

Bella burrowed her head in her pillow.

If she was doomed to being a melodramatic teenager against her will, she wondered if she could go the emo route. That would be the best way to get back at Alice. Her best friend was forever complaining about the lack of color in the emo wardrobe. The worst part by far was that Alice loved Bella's full, chestnut brown hair. Alice's own hair was thin and only had body if she wore it in a pixie cut. She would have fits for weeks if Bella dyed her hair black and wore it in her face. And if Bella finally wore make-up, something Alice had been trying convince her to do for years now, only to wear only black eyeliner and mascara, her manipulative best friend would have an absolute hissy fit.

Slightly cheered by the thought, Bella decided it was best to get up and face the music.

She took her time in the shower and finally made her way downstairs at a little past eleven. The house was quiet. She was beginning to wonder if everyone was gone when she walked into the kitchen to find Edward at the counter, sandwich making material spread out around him.

He stopped as he was spreading the mustard over a piece of multigrain bread, looking up as she stepped in the room. The air was distinctly awkward and, as usual, filled with those God forsaken tingles that were becoming the bane and blessing of both of their existences.

"Hi," Bella said. Well, she more mouthed the word as she seemed to have run out of breath. She  
couldn't tell if he knew.

"Hey," he responded softly, looking back at his bread. "Do you want one?" he asked, gesturing back at the bread and fixings in front of him.

"I can make my own," Bella said quickly, but Edward just shook his head.

"I make an epic sandwich," he argued, looking up at her from under his eyelashes. He smirked. "Good at everything, remember?"

Bella huffed and smiled, scrambling to find words when he looked at her that way. "Right. How could I forget," she said as she hopped up on the barstool opposite him.

For a few minutes there was only the sound of the knife spreading a hoity toity sandwich spread over the bread. Then Edward asked, as casually as he could manage – which, for the record, was not very casual at all but more tense as the accused at a murder trial right before the verdict – about how Bella's date with Jasper went.

Of course, Bella flushed red and Edward instantly felt sick. "The goodnight kiss was that good, eh?" he tried to tease, but it came out sounding like someone had a vice grip on his testicals. Of course, as Jasper's best friend, Edward was well acquainted with Jasper's affect on willing ladies. How many times had Jasper bragged about going straight for second base after first? If Bella had responded at all to his kiss, Jasper would have gone for a butt grab, if not straight for the boobs.

Anger, jealousy and guilt hit him like violent, waist-high waves at the beach.

"Um," Bella stumbled meanwhile. "I kind of screwed it up," she admitted. She looked down, studying her hands intently. "I guess I'm just a bad kisser."

Relief apparently rendered Edward's brain momentarily useless as the next words slipped out of his  
mouth before he could stop them. "You are most definitely not a bad kisser."

Bella looked up, surprised and Edward turned his back to her, suddenly deciding that he needed  
something from the fridge. Pickles. Yes. A proper sandwich needed pickles.

The thing was, Edward's unconscious mind was stuck on just how fantastic it had felt to kiss Bella. No matter how he tried to reason with his unconscious mind by concentrating on the cousins bit, it just wouldn't stick.

Edward had kissed girls before -not nearly as many as Jasper- but he had been dragged out on a couple of dates and to a dance or two. He'd tried the kissing thing more out of curiosity than anything else. He'd found it lacking any sort of pleasure. It wasn't as disgusting as it could have been, but it wasn't the big deal that everyone made it out to be either.

At least, it hadn't been until he kissed Bella.

Silence descended over them, but it was surprisingly comfortable. He was vaguely shocked at the quietly happy expression on her face - as if it truly did please her that he had enjoyed their kisses. As he slid her sandwich toward her, Edward was trying to figure out the best way to ask if she was going to try again with Jasper when the doorbell rang. He muttered a quick, "excuse me," and scampered off to get the door.

Bella sighed, watching him retreat and trying not to notice things like what a nice ass he had.  _Really, Bella?_ With a frustrated sigh, she thunked her head down on the counter with more force than she meant to.

"Ow!" she cried, rubbing her head where a nice knot was forming. She was distracted by the click clack of high heeled shoes coming rapidly toward the kitchen.

"You!" Rosalie cried, pointing at Bella as she stepped in eyesight.

For one horrifying second, Bella was sure that Rosalie knew what had happened between her and Jasper. She wondered briefly if Rosalie would use her fists or do the whole catfight thing. Nails and hair pulling just wasn't something that Bella knew how to combat. She'd had a little bit of self defense, so if Rosalie came at her with fists she might be able to defend herself. Then again, that could make things worse. Then she'd be the trailer trash bitch that bloodied up the bride right before her wedding  _and_ the one who broke the brother of the bride's pride by calling out her cousin's name mistakenly mid-boob grope.

Rosalie wrapped her arm around Bella's shoulders, thankfully not noticing the younger girl going stiff with fear, and pulled her close. "There you are. I was here earlier but Esme said I had to let you sleep."

Edward came back into the room then followed by an attractive, young woman with long, black hair. She looked to be around Rosalie's age and smiled kindly at Bella as she came in the room. "Bella, this is my matron-of-honor and my best friend, Vera. Vera, this is Emmett's cousin Bella…Alice… Bella," Rosalie stumbled.

"Bella," Edward and Bella confirmed in unison.

"Anyway," Rosalie said, dismissive. "Vera had the best idea last night. She thinks we need a girl's night out."

"And, I have the perfect place too. They just opened up a Gentleman's club on the outskirts of Port Angeles. I think it would be fun times, don't you?" Vera asked, smirking.

Rosalie chuffed. "Sure, you think it will be fun," she groused good naturedly. "You just can't go see the pretty, half-naked boys from the rez because you're already a married woman."

Vera scrunched her nose up. "The boys from the reservation are obnoxious."

"And hot. Don't forget hot," Rosalie returned. "It's not like they open their mouths. They just take off their shirts…and pants."

"It's a waste of money," Vera argued. "If you want to see one of those reservation boys without a shirt on, all you have to do is go down to La Push. It's not exactly a rare sight."

"Anyway," Rosalie interrupted, turning back toward Bella. "So, you're in, right? Either way?"

"Um, don't you have to be 21 to go in those clubs?" she hedged.

"You have to be 21 to drink," Vera said. "You only have to be eighteen to get in."

Bella furrowed her eyebrows. "But I'm not-" she abruptly remembered that Alice was, in fact, 18, "not sure that I want to see naked girls?" she finished.

"See," Rosalie said, "It's just going to have to be the boys from the Rez," she told Vera. "Scott won't mind so terribly much. He knows how you feel about them."

Vera crinkled her nose again. "They smell like sawdust and sweat."

"Vera," Rosalie said pointedly, rolling her eyes, "Your husband is a carpenter.  _He_ smells like sawdust and sweat."

"Yak, yak," Vera stuck out her tongue at her best friend, and Bella almost grinned, missing Alice.

Speaking of which, Bella had to concentrate. She needed to get out of this. "I don't know. It's not my thing - naked boys."

"Sweetie, you only get the two choices," Vera said, smirking. Then her gaze dropped a little bit. "Well, unless you want to be swinging toward something unnatural. Like animals or something," she shuddered.

 _Or cousins,_ Bella thought wryly.

"Well, you know we won't force you if you don't want to go, but I'd really like you to be there," Rosalie said sincerely, smiling.

Bella sighed to herself. She was a sucker for that kind of request. "I'll try," she murmured.

Trying was easier said than done. Bella belatedly realized that there were not a lot of ways one could fake being eighteen when they weren't.

There were three choices. The easiest would be to tell everyone. Just stop lying. Sure it was simple, but then she'd have to hitch a ride to the airport.

The second choice would be to find some type of fake I.D.. Oh, sure- movies and countless teen-oriented television shows made it seem easy, but Bella wasn't in the 'nefarious deeds' club. She had no sixth sense when it came to that kind of thing.

Plus, did Forks even have a seedy underbelly?

Her third choice was to figure out a way to sneak in. Abruptly, she remembered the native boys from the beach. They seemed harmless and yet mischievous enough to help her out. La Push was small - there was every possibility that they would have the hook up to help her out.

Of course, Bella's decision presented another problem: how in the hell was she supposed to get to La Push? She couldn't exactly ask Jasper to take her back, now could she?

"Wow, if looks could kill, your laptop would be ash," an amused voice interrupted Bella's browsing. She looked up to find Edward leaning in the doorway of her room, smirking.

She couldn't help but smile, despite her annoyance, and the truth came out before she could think about it. "There are no taxis in this town."

Edward looked confused. "Why do you need a taxi? I don't know if you noticed, but our garage is brimming with cars," he laughed.

Realizing she had to tread lightly, Bella answered carefully. "I don't want to be a bother to anyone."

"It's no bother," Edward assured. "Where do you want to go anyway?

"Oh," Bella stumbled, "you know, don't worry about it. I'll figure it out."

"Seriously, Bella, it's not like there's that much to do around here. You'd be interrupting an oh so titillating day of doing nothing of great importance." When she still didn't give in, Edward studied her embarrassed looking expression. "This isn't a girly thing is it, 'cuz I can get Mom if you need-"

"No!" Bella cried, blushing furiously. "That's not – look I just wanted to go down to La Push again. I mean, it looks like it's only misting outside today and there aren't any beaches in Phoenix."

"Oh," Edward responded dumbly, looking sheepish. "Well, actually, I did order a gift for Emmett and Rosalie from one of the master carvers in La Push. I could drop you off at the beach while I talk to them," he offered.

Bella thought for a moment. It might not be likely that she would find the same boys on the beach. Then again, she would be a lot closer to her goal. Of course, Edward's presence would greatly increase the likelihood she would be caught-– but desperate times and all that. She had to get there somehow. "Alright," she finally agreed.

The automatic rush of pleasure Edward felt at the idea of being alone with Bella in La Push was astounding. He swayed on his feet. If he was a cartoon, he would have floated right off into the air-– maybe with little hearts where his eyes were.

Edward turned around quickly, telling Bella that he just needed to find his keys. Really, he just needed to get rid of the ridiculously flighty feeling. Replace it with something more masculine. Like…hunting. Right. There were wolves in the woods around La Push. He didn't like wolves. He could hunt them down.

Of course, he didn't own a gun.

And the wolves were protected on the reservation – something about being sacred animals.

But it was still manlier to think about. Guns and blood and killing your own meal. Bringing home the bacon for your family.

Feeding his cousin-wife Bella and their web-footed gaggle of children with sacred wolf meat.

Edward sighed to himself as he retrieved his keys. This was going to be an interesting afternoon.

~0~

Jacob and his friends turned out to be a lot easier to find than Bella expected. Of course, jumping off cliffs tended to do that - draw attention to a person.

Bella had been planning to reroute to the few shops in the town as soon as Edward was safely out of eyesight when she heard a loud, wild whoop. She look over just in time to see a russet-skinned blur launch itself off a cliff and into the frothy water below.

She screamed, sure she had witnessed a suicide. Then she heard more whoops and looked up to see a few more human-shaped beings on top of the cliff, cheering. Still, she ran to the waterline, scanning anxiously until the blur reappeared, considerably closer now. She recognized Jacob Black instantly. As he caught sight of her he grinned, holding his head above the water as he dog paddled quickly in her direction.

It was almost cute. "Hey BB!" he shouted as he got to the point where he could stand in the surf. "What's up?"

"BB?" Bella asked, perplexed.

"You said your name was Bella Brandon, right?" Jacob returned, grinning as he straightened up.

Holy shit - this kid's pastime was obviously lifting whole cars. "Uh, sure," Bella agreed, not really knowing what he asked.

Realizing what she was looking at, Jacob smirked. "So, where's your boyfriend?" he asked, stretching nonchalantly.

Bella was momentarily distracted trying to count exactly how many abs he had. Seriously? "Um – he wasn't my boyfriend."

"Score," said a second boy, emerging from the surf. Bella vaguely remembered him as Quil Ateara. He grinned at her impishly. "His loss, our gain."

Feigning playfulness, Jacob shoved Quil, sending him sprawling into the waves. "Anyway," he said, ignoring Quil's loud string of curses, "what brings you back to First Beach? I'm pretty sure it's not the sun."

"I don't know," Bella said carefully, trying to be somewhat charming because she needed a favor from these kids, "I'm pretty white. Whatever little sun you get on this beach would probably give me a tan."

Jacob grinned at her again and Bella found herself wondering if teeth that white could possibly be natural. "Anyway," she said to herself and him, "I heard there was a s-strip club up here. Is that right?"

The younger boy's eyebrows shot up, obviously not expecting that. "Sure. The Wolves' Den," he rolled his eyes.

Bella bit her lip and then huffed, trying to decide the best plan of attack. She put on a slightly condescending look as she gave Jacob a once over. "How old are you anyway?"

He stood up straighter, quirking an eyebrow at her. "Age is just a number, baby."

Using a tactic she'd picked up from Edward, looking up from beneath her eyelashes and pretending she didn't feel ridiculous, Bella allowed herself to smile. "Alright, well here's the thing. I need to be there tonight, but my birthday is a few months away. Tell me you have the hook up."

They were joined then by Quil and the last blurry figure, now dripping wet, Embry. "What are you trying to say, pale-face? You think we all know each other?"

Bella's facade crumbled. "No - that's not what-" she started to explain, but then the three boys broke up laughing.

"Relax," said Jacob, "Embry was kidding. We do 'got the hook up.'"

Quil scoffed, "But why are you looking for them? Sam, Paul, and Jerad are alright, I guess, but who needs them when you got the younger, hotter models right here?" he flexed.

"Well, thanks but I'm not exactly shopping in the boys or men section," she smirked.

"You said that guy wasn't your boyfriend," Jacob said easily. "What's the harm in looking?" He paused, cocking his head thoughtfully. "Unless you're shopping in the women or girls section..."

"No," Bella said, smiling wryly. "My heart's kind of off the market right now," she said with a sigh.

"Ahh," Jacob nodded understandingly. He actually was pretty easy to talk to. "Why do you want to go to the Wolves' Den, then?"

"It would mean a lot to the people I'm staying with. They think I'm eighteen," she admitted.

"Sounds problematic," Embry snickered.

"Age is inconvenient," Bella shrugged.

"Tell me about it," Quil commiserated.

Jacob contemplated. "Alright, BB. Here's the deal. I can get you in," he baited.

"And?" Bella prompted, a little nervous about what they would ask for in payment.

"Just a little kiss," Jacob said, grinning and tapping his lips. "No tongue. I promise."

His boys were snickering and saying, 'Go, boy!' under their breath.

Bella considered this. "No tongue?" she verified.

"Scout's honor," Jacob said solemnly.

"And you swear you can get me in?"

Jacob nodded. "I promise."

For some reason, Bella believed him. It seemed like a relatively simple price to pay at this point. "Fine," she said quickly, before she could change her mind.

Embry and Quil whooped. Ignoring them, Bella stepped up to Jacob. She was surprised when he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her close. She didn't have time to protest before his lips were on hers.

It certainly wasn't bad. For a moment, Bella tensed when he didn't immediately let her go. Then she realized resignedly that his favor was worth more than a peck. She relaxed into the kiss.

Then he pulled her closer. Bella's hands came up, pushing him away slightly.

He didn't stop kissing her, but he didn't try to deepen their kiss either. Bella squirmed.

That was when she heard Edward's furious voice. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Edward quickly pushed himself between a surprised Bella and Jacob. The latter held his hands out in a peacemaking gesture. "Whoa, whoa buddy. Calm down," he started.

"Don't tell me to calm down," Edward shoved Jacob back, completely oblivious to Embry and Quil who came to back their friend up.

"Edward!" Bella protested, finding her voice again. "It's okay... I ... I agreed to ..."

Edward swung to look at her, complete devastation on his face. "Oh," he said quietly.

Jacob looked back and forth between Edward and Bella. He raised his eyebrows at Bella. "Wow, go girl. You know how to work it, don't you?" he seemed highly amused. "So this is the guy who has your heart?"

All the color drained away from Bella's face as she stared at Edward with wide eyes. He was staring incredulously back.

Looking back and forth between them again and his perpetual grin fell a little bit. "Ohhhh, that was a secret, wasn't it. Um. Whoops?"

Bella didn't respond. She was busy finding the ground entirely fascinating.

"Anyway," Jacob said, awkwardly. "Bella, what we talked about - no problem. And... I'm just going to ... not be here." He motioned with his head to the other boys and they retreated rapidly.

For a long time neither Edward or Bella spoke, then the former sighed heavily. "Ah, this is wrong."

Bella lifted her head, wondering what, exactly, he was talking about.

"I should be able to leave you alone," he started, running his hands through his hair. "I shouldn't have interrupted you and ..." he trailed off, gesturing to Jacob's retreating figure.

"No, Edward you don't understand," Bella tried to explain, but Edward cut her off.

"I get it, Bella. I do. I mean. We can't... You were just trying something else, right? Anyone but me. I get it. We shouldn't think about each other the way we do. We should... fuck," he stumbled, obviously in pain.

Bella couldn't stand to see the anguished look on his face. "Edward, I...I... I'm not your cousin. I'm not Alice," she blurted out suddenly.

To her surprise, Edward laughed bitterly. "God, I wish that was true."

"It  _is_ true!" Bella admitted to her feet. "Your cousin - the real Alice... She's... Well, she's a pain in the ass, but she's my best friend. And I just couldn't stand to see her so upset, and -"

"Whoa, just ... what are you saying. If you're not Alice, who are you?" Edward demanded.

"My name is Isabella Swan. Alice - when her mother told her she had to come here, she was so upset. She convinced me to go instead. She said that no one would know," she whispered. It sounded so stupid to her now.

There was utter silence for full minutes as Bella waited for the furious yelling to start...or for his footsteps walking away from her.

Instead, his hand cupped her cheek and pulled her face up. When she finally met his eyes, she saw they were wide - not quite believing. "You're not Alice?"

Bella shook her head.

"You're just Bella," he clarified.

Bella nodded.

Another few, long heartbeats and then a breathtaking grin came over Edward's face. Abruptly, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her up against him so hard that they both let out an, 'oof'. He barely let them each take a breath before his mouth was on hers - strong and incredibly joyous.

Bella made a startled little noise in the back of her throat and then all but melted into their kiss. Her arms snaked around his back, gripping the fabric of the light sweater he wore.

They parted, panting because they'd both forgotten to breathe through their nose. Edward grinned again and stooped for another kiss when Bella backed away slightly.

"Wait, wait!" Bella pleaded.

"I swear to God, if you tell me you're kidding…" Edward trailed off.

"No, I'm not kidding. But…you're not mad at me? I mean, I've been lying to you and your family," Bella responded incredulously.

"Bella," Edward smirked at her, "Ever since the moment we met I've thought I was losing my mind. I thought I was a pervert - what with the fantasizing about my cousin non-stop and all. I'm pretty stoked that our babies won't have webbed feet."

"We're having babies?" Bella squeaked.

Edward flushed red. "Shit, that came out wrong. I mean - Emmett just put it in my head, that's all."

"Emmett knows?" Bella's voice was making Alice-like increases in tone and volume.

"Emmett and Jasper," Edward admitted, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously. "I'm kind of bad at hiding my feelings for you, I guess."

At this Bella smiled shyly. "Your feelings for me?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Bella, I'm fucking crazy about you. I mean - I'd have to be pretty fucking nuts for someone to get around the whole cousin-ick factor, right?"

Now Bella grinned, and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him again.

Not in the mood to talk about realistic things - like what was going to happen now - Edward and Bella spent the rest of the day essentially making up for all the making-out they'd missed out on during the majority of their teen years.

In fact, they were still doing that - their legs tangled together in a not so innocent fashion - on Edward's bed a little later that afternoon. With Edward's hands up her shirt and his shirt completely off, both of them were more than a little distracted.

Which would explain why they didn't hear the door opening, or the horrified gasp of the person who stepped through Edward's doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Dun dun dun. Who could it be!
> 
> Thank you all for your kind birthday wishes. I had a fabulous time on the cruise. Alaska was unbearably gorgeous. Mike, Chaske, and Jodelle were awesome. Mike in particular is kind of hot and made of amazing.
> 
> Thank you to my girls josieswan and dizzygrl28 for beta work.
> 
> Sorry about not responding to last chap's reviews. I'm back now so I should be able to respond to this chapter's. I love y'all. Hit the button ma thinger. PLEASE!


	11. In Which Dreams Are Almost Realized

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To my Melly - the devious beast who makes me cringe at one of the most beautiful scenes in New Moon. It's not sexual tension, dammit. Carlisle only has THOSE eyes for Esme. ::grumble::
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own them. I'm just playing with them.

Jasper's face looked like one of those LOLCats – you know, what is seen cannot be unseen. His eyes were wide and horrified.

It was one thing for cousins to admit to an attraction to each other. It was quite another to see it played out before him. It was…so gross.

"Dude!" he yelled, needing to just make this whole surreal scene stop.

Edward and Bella flew apart. They lay propped up on their elbows side by side on the bed, both breathless and flushed from their vigorous game of tonsil hockey. For a split second, Edward looked horrified. Then he remembered that he wasn't making out with his cousin and he couldn't help but smile again.

"Little busy here, Jazz," he said dismissively, pulling Bella back to him. She made a startled noise but then smiled against his lips and kissed him readily. Normally she would be embarrassed by that type of display, but her reputation was probably already shot as far as Jasper went.

If Jasper's eyes bugged out any further, they might have mistaken him for a cartoon slug. "What is  _wrong_ with you two? You need to cut this the fuck out, right now!" He looked like he was about to start stamping his foot at them.

Edward looked at Bella, a mischievous grin lighting his face. He quirked his eyebrow at her - a look that clearly said,  _wanna have some fun?_

Curious as to what he was up to, Bella nodded minutely, silently promising to follow his lead.

Putting a very serious look on his face, Edward turned to his best friend. "Jasper, we have some news. The truth is... Bella and I are in love. We've decided, the hell with convention. We're going to go for it."

"You're kidding me. You have to be fucking with me right now," Jasper all but shouted back.

Bella shook her head gravely. "Think about it, Jasper. This is an ideal situation. We would be the perfect couple. We would never argue whose family we would visit on the holidays."

"And think of the wedding," Edward said, nodding thoughtfully. "We won't need ushers since there will be only one side."

"Right," Bella agreed. "They won't have to ask if they're here for the groom or the bride. It would be the same crowd for both."

"This is sick," Jasper muttered, mostly to himself. He kept on pinching his arm and wincing, as if hoping this was a bad, bad dream.

"You're just going to have to accept it, Jazz," Edward said plainly, lying back on the bed with Bella in his arms.

Jasper stared at the couple who stared serenely back at him. Then he did the last thing either of them expected.

He tattled.

"Esme!" he called over his shoulder loud enough that she could have heard no matter where she was in the house.

For a few precious seconds, Edward and Bella froze. "Jazz…" Edward said in a strangled, betrayed voice. He wasn't quite sure he had heard right.

Because really – no one had tattled on him since he was in the fifth grade.

Then Edward and Bella were a flurry of motion. Even though they both knew they weren't cousins, the scene was hardly innocent. Unfortunately, Edward couldn't figure out where his shirt had gone so he was still bare-chested when his mother appeared in the doorway.

Bare-chested, with his hair more ruffled than usual, and his face flushed. Bella's hair was even worse off, having been mauled by his long fingers. Her clothes were rumpled.

They. Were. Fucked.

As if that weren't bad enough, Emmett had been drawn by all the yelling and now he was behind Esme, peering into the room with a resigned look on his face.

The five of them kind of gaped at each other for a bit, not knowing what to say. It was Esme who broke the silence. "Edward, when your father and I told you that we would be happy no matter whom you brought home, we thought you were gay."

At that point, Edward's eyes were in serious danger of popping right out of his head. "What? Mom, I'm not gay."

"Well, I can see that," Esme responded, gesturing helplessly.

Before anyone else could speak the doorbell rang. "I'll get it," Esme said quickly. She still couldn't quite wrap her mind around the scene in front of her eyes and welcomed the distraction. She hurried away before anyone could protest.

"What the fuck, Jasper?" Edward seethed at his best friend as soon as Esme was gone.

"What do you want from me, Edward? This…this… this just isn't right. If you won't see that yourself… I mean, what are you going to do? Your kids would have webbed feet," Jasper said, his voice pleading with Edward to understand his position.

"Actually," Emmett interrupted, a disturbingly serious look on his face, "I took the liberty of doing some research for you. The whole mutated babies thing is more myth than not. I mean, technically it's true, but only when generation after generation dips into the same gene pool. If you had a baby with your cousin, the chance of that child having a genetic defect is really only 1 hundredth of a percent greater."

The other three stared at him in vague horror…and incredulity.

"What?" Emmett said, narrowing his eyes. "I know how to research. I'm a straight A student for fuck's sake!"

"You expected this?" Jasper asked.

The poor boy was beginning to wonder if he'd been abducted into some parallel universe where this was okay.

Emmett squirmed uncomfortably. "Well, it was kind of inevitable, dude. I mean, have you been around these two? If you're in a room with them for more than a few minutes the sexual tension gets unbearable. I can't tell you how many times I had to grab Rosie and-"

"EMMETT!" Jasper and Edward protested together.

"Anyway, cousin or not, unresolved sexual tension that thick is either going to get resolved or someone is going to explode," Emmett finished.

"Alright, this is ridiculous," Bella muttered. She took a deep breath, ready to come clean to everyone.

But before she could speak a black-haired streak came barreling into the room. "Bella! Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, I missed you so much!"

In her fervor to, Bella's best friend had quite forgotten that her sense of balance was not up to par. When she threw herself into Bella's arms, both of the girls went tumbling onto the bed.

"This story…is getting more twisted by the second," Emmett said.

"I think I like this twist…" Jasper muttered, staring as the girls struggled to right themselves.

"Excuse me… who are you?" Emmett said louder.

"Apparently," Esme said, appearing behind them and looking distinctly pale, "THAT is Alice."

"Alice who?" Emmett asked, not quite so quick with the uptake.

"Alice, your cousin Alice," Edward clarified, looking relieved and amused at Alice and Bella as they tried to untangle themselves.

"Wait then... who is Balice?"

"Balice is Bella," Jasper said, incredulous and catching on.

"You're not Alice?" Emmett asked Bella.

Slowly, desperately afraid that Esme and Emmett were about to be horrendously angry at her, Bella shook her head.

"She's my best friend," Alice said, grinning and hopping up. She skipped across the room and hopped up, hugging Emmett tightly around the neck. "Hello, coz!" she said by way of greeting. "I'm Alice. Don't be mad. But if you have to be mad, don't be mad at Bella. I made her come here. There might have been knives involved." She nodded seriously.

Emmett stared at the little thing attached to his neck with wide, almost scared eyes...then he started to laugh. He hugged Alice back. "Seriously? You seriously switched places on us like some bad Lindsay Lohan movie?"

"First of all," Alice said, squirming out of his grip, " _The Parent Trap_  was good. Secondly, it was not originally a Lindsay Lohan movie. Lastly, it was before the poor girl went out of her mind and she was pretty cute back then."

"Thou shalt not mix your Lindsays. That's the first commandment of knowing Alice. There is pre-drugs frying her brain and post. Ne'er the 'twain shall meet," Bella explained, smiling because Alice would be Alice.

The raven haired girl nodded, pleased. Then she bounded over to Edward and hugged him. "I'm  _really_ glad to meet you. I hear you give dynamite first kisses, little coz." She giggled when Edward smirked, pleased. "You also don't look surprised."

"I kind of...outed myself to him this morning," Bella explained, blushing when she remembered Jacob's words and all that had happened after that.

Smiling softly, Edward took her hand.

"Wait," the tender moment was interrupted by Jasper who was rapidly putting two and two together. "...Edward was your first kiss?"

Bella's smile abruptly fell.

"But you didn't out yourself until this morning... and we kissed yesterday..."

Now Edward's grin fell. "That was... an accident. I mean," he looked at Bella quickly. "I wanted to, but I didn't want to... I mean...," he stumbled.

And then Emmett was really laughing because seeing Edward so out of sorts, especially now that he completely understood why, was refreshing. And hysterical. Even Esme was smiling. Now that she was slowly coming to terms with the girls' deception, she found this flustered version of her son quite endearing.

"See," Emmett said between chortles, "I told you he was a perv. You should see his porn collection."

"Emmett!" Edward protested.

"It's alright, sweetheart," Esme assured. "I think masturbation is a very healthy practice."

"Mom!" both Emmett and Edward protested at that.

"What is wrong with you and Dad?" Emmett asked, a little flabbergasted. "I mean - he's talking about balls flying at his head and you're talking about masturbation... didn't they give you a handbook when we were born? Gah. I can't unhear that, you know!"

While Emmett ranted at his mother, Alice, highly amused by the antics of her crazy family, turned to the only person she had yet to greet.

For once in her life, Alice was speechless. She just...stared.

And Jasper stared right back, his mind, like hers, shocked into stillness.

They stared for so long that the rest of the room started to stare at them.

The heavy, tingling sensation in the room doubled. Emmett squirmed, resisting the urge to go find Rosalie and bend her over the nearest flat surface.  _Here we go again,_ he thought.

"We're not related, right?" Alice blurted.

"God, I sure as hell hope not," Jasper muttered.

Alice grinned and then smirked. "Good," she said, satisfied.

~0~

"What do you think they're talking about in there?" Jasper asked, staring wistfully at the closed bathroom door that separated Edward's room from Bella's.

Alice and Bella had been holed up in her room for hours now. Every once in a while they would hear girlish shrieks of laughter or one of the girls would get loud in their conversation.

They were both curious, but Jasper kept on wondering out loud. It was really getting on Edward's nerves. "What do I look like, a mind reader? Go ask them if you're so fucking curious."

Jasper turned his head away from the closed door and raised an eyebrow at his best friend. "Don't be a bitch, Edward."

Sighing, Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath before he could go off on the older boy. He knew it was not Jasper's fault that he was so irritated.

After all the initial chaos real Alice's sudden arrival caused, a lot had happened.

_Bella had started babbling at the speed of sound, getting all flustered as she apologized profusely and begged Esme and Emmett to not be angry at Alice. There might have been something in there about leaving to go to a hotel, but before Edward could protest this, Esme put her hand on Bella's shoulder, effectively stopping the scrambled and confusing torrent of words._

" _Sweetheart, I grew up with your, her mother," Esme said, more amused at exactly how red the girl's face was getting. "If Alice is at all like Kenna, believe me, this is tame."_ Plus, my son was not making out with his cousin _, she thought to herself. That meant she wouldn't have to try and forbid things between Edward and Bella. Because everyone knew that drama happened when teenage romances were denied, and Esme knew her son was the dramatic sort._

_The harder to convince_ _person_ _was Rosalie. When she heard what had happened she felt betrayed. Rosalie wasn't the type of person to trust easily_ _,_ _and she had let Bella in on her wedding._

_Her wedding!_

_Her special day._

_Just as Rosalie was about to go mega-bridezilla on everyone's ass, Alice stepped up to the plate. She spoke bride fluently in a way that Rosalie hadn't been able to coax out of Vera, Emmett or Bella. Suddenly, they were speaking at the speed of light about table accents and flower arrangements and off-white versus pearl._

_And then Rosalie had insisted that Alice come to her girl's night out get together._

Edward sighed. "I'm sorry," he said to Jasper. "It just…I guess I'm being jealous."

"Of what?"

"Don't you know where their girls' night out is going to be?" Edward grumbled. When Jasper only looked back at him questioningly he filled in the blanks. "They're going to the strip club on the reservation…the one for girls."

Jasper's mouth formed a silent and horrified 'o'. "This is bad," he muttered.

He remembered the three obnoxious teenagers on First Beach who'd swarmed Bella as soon as he was out of sight. Those were just the puppies. The boys at the strip club would be full grown dogs. "We gotta…do…something," Jasper said helpfully.

Edward looked at his friend, trying to read the anxiety on his face. Surely it couldn't be for Bella. Jasper had told him about the whole wrong-name calling debacle. So, if it wasn't for Bella, and for the sake of their friendship it had better not be, Jasper's anxiety could only be aimed at one person. "Holy shit you like my cousin!" Edward exclaimed.

"No!" Jasper protested, automatically thinking of Bella. Then the events of the evening caught up with him. "Wait, yes. Yes. Alice. Real Alice. She's… she's…"

"Are you … tongue tied?" Edward asked, incredulous. He had seen many a girl catch his best friend's eye before, but none of them had rendered him speechless.

Edward was amused.

Jasper growled like some sort of wild beast. "Edward…she confounds me quite a bit."

At that Edward burst out laughing. He remembered how out of sorts just the sight of Bella had made him the first time he saw her. Well, every time he saw her if he wanted to be honest about it.

But he was glad they were in agreement. Something had to be done.

~0~

Carlisle was no help.

Since they knew that Esme was going to be going to this little party they had tried to get Carlisle worked up about it.

"Really, Dad?" Edward tried. "You have no problem with her looking at younger, buffer guys than you?"

"What do I have to worry about when she's got this to come home to?" Carlisle quipped, flexing for his son's benefit.

Jasper shook his head as they gave up and walked away. "Your dad is kind of a dork, dude."

"You've known him for longer than I have," Edward muttered back. "You're just now realizing this?"

Back in Edward's room the boys brainstormed. They both got distracted by the sound of the girls giggling in the next room.

"Maybe we should see what they're doing now," Edward suggested slowly.

"Hey, that's a brilliant plan. Let's convince them not to go."

"How do you suppose we should do that?"

Jasper gave his best friend a superior look. "Easy. We give them a better option."

Just needing an excuse to go hang out with Bella at that point, Edward shrugged and went to go knock on the door. The girls admitted them with grins.

Jasper went to Alice, pretending that looking at her pictures of Italy was, in fact, fascinating and not infuriating. It would have been fascinating, he found anything she did was fascinating, if it weren't for the fact she was always with two boys. Felix and Demetri she called them. They looked like trouble to Jasper and not above taking advantage of an innocent girl. Thank goodness she was across the world from them now...

Edward was completely oblivious to what else was going on in the room. It had been well over twelve hours since he'd kissed his not-cousin and that was entirely too long for him. So, since he was currently doing his damnedest not to think about the whole 'My girl lives in a different state' thing, he pulled Bella onto his lap and contented himself with kissing her. He kissed her lips He kissed her cheeks. He ran his nose along her neck, trailing little pecks. He found he enjoyed the way she squirmed on his lap and he absolutely loved it when she sighed his name.

He was trying not to love it  _too_ much.

Then, suddenly, her soft giggle became a cackle and he finally raised his head, fairly sure he hadn't elicited that noise. Indeed, Bella's eyes were trained across the room though her fingers still ran through his soft hair, making him want to purr.

"What's so funny?" he asked, lips against her ear now.

Bella shuddered pleasantly, all these sensations new to her. "Um," she stumbled. She wondered if she had judged those brainless girls at school too harshly. If this was any indication, all the kissing drove rational thought right out the window. If Edward kept kissing her earlobe like that she was going to be as big an idiot as the rest of them. "Uh. It's just that Alice likes Jasper."

"Mmm," he murmured, and his breath against her ear making Bella feel heated all over. She wondered briefly if he was some kind of vampire except maybe he harvested brain cells instead of blood. That would explain a lot. She hadn't really been able to think clearly since she'd met him.

Bella had to really concentrate when she realized Edward was speaking. "That's good," he said distractedly. "He likes her. I don't understand why that's funny though."

"Look at them," Bella urged reluctantly. If he lifted his head to look at the other two people in the room he would stop kissing her. Then again, if he kept kissing her Bella was fairly certain she was going to burst into flames and she didn't want to singe his ridiculous eyebrows.

Edward grumbled against her neck but he looked at his best friend and his real cousin.

Jasper was talking animatedly…to Alice's back. Alice was staring out the window, nodding vaguely, the picture of someone who wasn't paying attention at all.

"This is Alice  _liking_ someone?" Edward whispered.

Bella nodded and laughed again, quietly. "She's completely enraptured by what he's saying. You can tell because she didn't even notice we were… well, you were…"

Edward grinned as her cheek, now pressed against his, heated. "So she's playing hard to get is what you're saying."

"Yep," Bella confirmed.

"Hmm," Edward thought about that and then grinned. "This might be fun to watch."

~0~

Evening came, and the boys had not had any luck convincing the girls not to go. For Bella it was a simple matter. Rosalie had forgiven her for all the lies and she was not about to rock that boat.

Not even after Edward pouted. "You're going to like the big, buff, tan guys more than me."

He was kidding, of course. It was just that Jasper had always talked about how girls fussed over him if he pretended to pout about something. It sounded nice - all the fussing. He was just trying it on for size to see if Bella was the fussing type.

The thing was, Bella would have been the fussing type if she couldn't see through his bullshit. Instead of assuaging his uncharacteristic bout of insecurity, she pretended to think about it. "Oh my gosh, they're sort of beautiful aren't they? I met this kid, Jacob Black. He was one of the ones out on First Beach. He's got this long, silky black hair... so gorgeous. I wonder if he has a brother that works at the Wolf's Den."

Edward was staring at her in gaped mouth horror and Bella couldn't keep up the game. She started to laugh. He growled and pounced, turning her giggling into a startled shriek as he knocked her back on the bed. "You're a monster you know," he said, leaning over her.

The atmosphere between them changed and suddenly Bella was remembering her Old Spice dreams. She bit her lip, trying to rein in her rampaging teenage hormones.

She wanted to fuck him.

On the bed he hadn't built with his own hands.

Instead she grinned at him. "You're so easy."

"Only for you," he murmured, his voice entirely too sexy for an almost-eighteen year old boy. He leaned in, kissing her.

About two seconds into the kiss, when his body pressed her into the soft comforter, Bella forgot all about why this was a bad idea.

Until Alice came barging into Edward's room.

Without knocking.

"Oh, for goodness sakes. Get a room!"

Edward was up and off Bella in an instant, startled. Then he narrowed his eyes at his cousin. "This  _is_ my room."

"Figure of speech," Alice said, laughing now. She walked over and took Bella's hand, pulling her friend up. "We've got to go."

Edward reached for Bella's other hand. "I wasn't done with her yet."

"You are now. We have to go! Or we'll be late," Alice insisted, tugging lightly at Bella's hand. "Besides," she smirked, "Looks like you have a problem to take care of." She let her eyes trail down to Edward's crotch which was tented.

Bella was relieved that it didn't appear to be nearly as frightening as in her dreams. Then she blushed when she realized she was staring.

Alice decided to help both of them out. "Rosalie!" she said, loudly.

As intended, that helped Edward's problem decrease significantly and reminded Bella why she was supposed to be getting ready.

In her own room.

Right now.

"Right," she muttered to herself. Then she yanked her hand away from Alice so she could wrap her arm around Edward's waist. Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed him quickly, and then ran off with Alice before he could tighten his hold on her.

Edward sighed and flopped down on his bed once the girls were gone.

This was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: One more chapter. I don't see me writing an epilogue, but who knows… these kids have a mind of their own. I never know what they're going to do.
> 
> Thanks josieswan for betaing and adding words judiciously. Hehehe.


	12. In Which There Are Creepers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To my darling Cella who is already begging for her next story. Then again, it has been a year... fuck.
> 
> A/N: Um. Um. Um. I am SO SORRY. Seriously... they stopped speaking to me. Completely. I tried to write for ages and it was PAINFUL To all of you who still remember this story, thanks for sticking with me.

"This is not a good idea," Edward muttered as he and Jasper found a place to park well away from the Wolves' Den.

"Here's what I don't get," Jasper said, ignoring that Edward had even spoken. "They're not going to take their clothes off. They're all attached-"

"Except Alice," Edward pointed out.

Jasper glared at his best friend. "No one goes to a male strip club to find a date, alright?"

"Maybe she swings that way," Edward returned, his face a picture of innocence.

The other boy chuffed. "Well, look. If she swings toward the fairer sex I'm pretty damn sure she'd be barking up the wrong tree looking for a date in an  _all male strip club_." He glared for a moment, then glared harder when he realized his friend was trying his damndest not to laugh at him. Scowling, he continued. "Anyway, as I was saying, why the hell did they have to dress like  _that_ to come here," he gestured at the establishment that had just come into view.

Edward was silent as he didn't have a smart answer for that question. After all, it was how Jasper had convinced him to do what they were doing. They'd been lounging in the living room, pretending to be absorbed in a Kevin Smith movie marathon, when Alice and Bella had come tromping down the stairs.

And damn...they looked hot.

When Bella came to sit beside him, Edward had very suddenly understood why showing a little leg was considered unseemly back in the day. Because...damn. Alice and Bella's skirts were of the short variety. Not slutty short, but might get them sent to the principal to check with a ruler short.

He was so busy chanting  _must not touch, must not touch, must not touch, I WANT TO TOUCH,_ in his head that he almost missed what Bella was saying.

"I love this movie. 'Yo man, tell me something about me.' 'You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.' 'Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.' 'When you do it, you're thinking about guys,'" she quoted along to Jay and Rufus merrily.

Edward blinked at her stupidly. It was a little too much for his adolescent brain to process. First, Bella was showing more of herself than he'd ever seen. Then she was quoting along with one of his favorite movies - always a turn on. But why, oh why, did it have to be the masturbation line? That word coming out of her pretty mouth...

She was looking at him with a grin, and he had to kiss her. And he may have let his hand rest innocently on her knee. For balance.

In the meantime, Alice had chosen to go stand over by Jasper. "I think Dogma is probably Kevin Smith's best work," she said conversationally. She knew damn well that she was giving Jasper a great view of her skirt covered ass, but when she turned to him, her face was clear of any mischief.

"Aren't you going to be cold in that?" Jasper blurted, all of it coming out like one word.

Alice feigned confusion. "What?"

Jasper took a deep breath and forced himself to slow down. "I mean...I know you're used to Phoenix, but Forks never quite has what you might call skirt weather."

She'd grinned at him. "Well, I'm sure it's plenty hot inside the Wolves' Den."

Jasper had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep the frown off his face. But then Alice was off, saying something about getting Esme. While she was upstairs the doorbell rang. Before Jasper could get up or Edward and Bella could interrupt their make-out session, Emmett was pounding down the stairs.

"Babe! Babes," he greeted, ushering in Rosalie and Vera. They did indeed look babe-a-licious. They were like Alice and Bella except the next model. Where the younger girls maintained a sort of virtuousness, Rosalie and Vera were well possessed of their sexiness. Their curves were more defined and the way they held themselves was more confident.

Emmett held Rosalie's hand aloft and twirled her around. He gave a grunt of pleasure. "You look good enough to eat, babe," he grinned, pulling her to him.

Things happened quickly then. Alice and Rosalie dragged Bella away from Edward. Esme - looking not so much like mom as hot older sister- looked around at the gathered girls and chuckled, saying it was good that Vera had a van as they seemed to be multiplying. Somewhere in there, Emmett's best friend Riley showed up, and they took off. As soon as the girls had gone, Carlisle had retreated to his study.

Then the boys were alone.

With visions of girls in short skirts dancing in their heads.

And, presumably, visions of half naked, bronze-skinned men dancing in the girls' heads. Soon, those dreams would be a reality.

That was how Jasper and Edward found themselves outside the Wolves' Den with a half-cocked idea that maybe, just maybe, they should be around for whatever was about to go down.

Just in case.

Edward sighed again. "Dude, I'm pretty sure that this is what they warn girls about in those magazines, you know? Boys who stalk is one of those huge warning signs of who  _not_ to go out with."

"We're not stalking them," Jasper grumbled, ruffling his hair and trying to decide what their next course of action should be. They couldn't actually go into the club. "Besides, that's a warning sign because  _those_ types of guys get all pushy about who their girls should or shouldn't be hanging out with."

"First of all," Edward argued, increasingly irritated that he'd let Jasper talk him into coming out here, "I'm pretty sure that even if we're not stalking them - which we are - we're violating their privacy and  _that's_ some shady shit. Secondly, what is it that we're supposed to be doing out here?"

Fuck. They were going to get arrested. Worse than that, Bella would be furious. He'd lose her forever. Less than 24 hours together...it would be a record of some sort. He was definitely not good at this boyfriend thing. Edward cocked his head to the side as it occurred to him that they hadn't even defined themselves yet. He wondered if he was actually Bella's boyfriend. Maybe she just considered him a boy she could not seem to stop kissing. Not that he was complaining about that, but he hoped...

Oh, what did it matter? When she figured out what he was doing it would be a moot point anyway.

"I'm going back," he said decisively.

Jasper grabbed the back of his shirt, keeping him still. "Edward, that day I went out with Bella to First Beach, you should have seen those native kids. Jacob Black and those two kids who are always following him around descended on her the minute I walked away. And that was just the pups. Can you imagine what the full grown wolves would be like?"

"Fuck," Edward muttered, feeling his jealousy spark as he imagined the other boys even  _looking_ at Bella. Especially in what she was wearing tonight.

Just a peek...what could that hurt? Just to see what was going on with his own eyes. Edward had an over-active imagination; he knew that about himself. Surely it would be better for all involved if he just had a look, settled his curiosity, and then left.

He looked around. "Come on. The trees hug the windows. We should be able to see in."

Jasper grinned. "That-a-boy."

Edward rolled his eyes as they carefully crept along the side of the building. They found a conveniently placed tree and began to scale it to get to the small, high windows of the club.

As he climbed, Edward sighed to himself. Despite the fact that Bella was no longer his cousin, she continued to make his life a great deal more complicated than it used to be. There was some part of himself that was well aware that he was climbing a tree outside an all male strip club, spying on his maybe-girlfriend. It was just the sort of thing a stupid teenager would do. The fact that he actually  _was_ a stupid teenager was of little comfort to him.

"I just want you to realize two things," Edward hissed through his teeth. "First, if they catch us, you're never going to have a chance with Alice because of the aforementioned bad boyfriend material list."

"Did you just use the word aforementioned?" Jasper snorted.

"Secondly," Edward continued, ignoring him, "if we get arrested, you're going to jail. I'm still a minor. I'd get off with  _maybe_ some juvy, and I'll bet my parents could buy my way out of that."

Even in the dark and even though he was in the next tree over, Edward was sure that he could see Jasper roll his eyes. "Your birthday is like, what? Next week? You would be tried as adult for any crimes you commit."

Edward paused in his climbing. "Not for nothing, Jazz, but you know...we're both very pretty. You do know what happens to pretty people in prison."

"Prison being the keyword there, you melodramatic asshole. They're not going to send us to prison for peeping. And I have a very simple solution to your problem. How about we don't get caught?" he said with a grunt, hoisting himself into a sitting position on a thick branch.

With a grumble, Edward quickly ascended the rest of the way.  _This is not a good idea_.

~0~

Bella was...

Well, bored wasn't exactly the word for it. It was difficult to be completely bored in a place like this.

Bella wasn't sure she agreed with the name of the establishment. The Wolves Den implied that the men who danced there were the wolves, but the only howling she'd heard so far was from the women in the audience. And the men weren't furry at all. Their chests were well waxed and ... shiny. Like they might sparkle in the sunlight.

Surely wolves didn't sparkle in the sunlight.

Of the three, the indisputable leader was a man who'd introduced himself as Sam. He directed the other two - Jerad and Paul - letting them do most of the work... if by work you meant shaking their admittedly tight, toned asses around the stage.

Paul was nearest to their little group, and while Bella could appreciate a good eight pack when she saw one, she was getting a lot more entertainment from the women she was here with.

Rosalie and Alice were shouting out requests:  _Give us a flex, wolf boy. Stick your ass out, yeah! Sure, but can you do it standing on your head?_ Vera was trying to look disinterested but her eyes were moving in time with Paul's bouncing, generously filled banana hammock. And Esme...

Jesus lord, she was lifting said banana hammock away from Paul's body so she could stuff it full of money. She giggled because Edward would be traumatized. If he could see his mother now he would be on his bed in a fetal position.

Eventually he would find out. Rosalie would tell him. Or Alice. It was inevitable. Bella wasn't familiar with the terms and conditions of being the girlfriend - if she was the girlfriend - but she was pretty sure that part of her duties would be comforting him after a trauma.

She would climb into bed with him - and how could Esme argue with that when she was the cause of his malaise - and they would spoon. She could be the big spoon for him. She would run her hands through his hair... not just because she loved touching his hair but because it would make him feel better. And maybe it would make him feel better if she nuzzled his neck a little too. And how could she help it if she kissed along his hairline... maybe it would even distract him.

Just as Edward was beginning to turn in her arms, Bella was startled out of her little fantasy by something straddling her legs, caging her into her chair.

Panic rushed through her, and Bella reacted before she could think. Her fist impacted with something quite solid. She yelped. The solid thing cried out. Bella found herself staring at the furious eyes of one of the wolves.

"Are you insane!" the nearly naked man Bella finally recognized as Paul shouted, stumbling a few feet back.

"Me?" Bella squeaked. "Was I supposed to expect to find a mostly naked guy leaning over me?"

He stared at her. "This is a strip club!"

_Oh, yeah._

Bella felt her cheeks get hot. Paul was huffing and puffing like the big, bad wolf about to blow the little piggy's house down.

"Paul! Calm down now!" The big one - Sam - was crossing the stage to get to them now, looking only slightly ridiculous with his 'I can fuck you up' grimace and nothing but underwear on.

Still, Paul looked away from Bella. "She hit me! Where the hell is security? Leah!"

Things got complicated then. People who didn't know Bella were heckling. People who did know Bella were trying to figure out what happened. Paul was glaring. Sam and Jerad were trying to mollify him. Generally speaking, it was a ruckus with Bella in the middle.

Bella thought briefly about telling them to just stop being drama queens. Sure, she'd accidentally clocked the guy, but his face was pretty hard - it was nothing to go all Hulk about. Paul looked angry enough that if he hadn't ripped his shirt off earlier, it surely would have torn from the strength of his heaving chest. It was overly dramatic. She was positive her hand hurt about as much as his face did. And hey - it could have been worse. She could have been taking advantage of their hospitality by pretending to be a long lost cousin.

Around the time Paul started whining about cops Bella had to snort. "Try it, drama queen. They might be a little more concerned with why you let a seventeen year old in your club."

All eyes were on her then. Bella turned an unhealthy shade of red. "I'll be... not here," she mumbled and fled for the door.

Outside Bella was thrown for the second loop of the night.

Funny, she used to think roller coasters were fun.

Edward and Jasper were dirty. Not in the good way either. No, they were completely filthy from head to toe with dirt and greenery. They were either being harassed by or harassing a young woman with a serious scowl on her face. Her hand was locked on Jasper's arm.

Bella didn't know what to say, but Alice - who had run out of the club after her friend - sure had a few words.

Alice cleared her throat loudly. Both boys stopped their shouting to look over at her. "Alice!"

Edward looked like he wanted to throw up. "Bella," he mumbled.

Alice crossed her arms, looking at Jasper and doing the annoyed-girl-tapping-foot thing. "I didn't know you had a girlfriend," she said calmly.

Jasper and the russet-skinned woman's eyes went wide simultaneously. She let go of him like his skin was covered in slime. "Oh, he's not my boyfriend. I was just trying to get him off the property."

"What's going on, Leah?" another voice joined the party. Bella's eyes darted away from Edward just long enough to see who it was. Sam, thankfully wearing shorts now (but no shirt, did they have a shirt shortage on this reservation?) was looking at the woman who'd been manhandling Jasper.

"I caught these two trying to peep at the boys," Leah sneered.

Everyone stared with surprise, including Esme who had joined the parade marching outside. She looked at her son. "Edward, I know you've been a remarkably easy teenager so far, but I'm just not sure I can handle so many surprises in one day."

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose. "Mom, we weren't peeping at the boys!" he protested.

"You were staring into their dressing room window!" Leah returned.

"We didn't know it was their dressing room!"

"Who were you trying to see?" Bella asked, confused now.

"We were trying to spy on you!" Jasper shouted.

"Oh, fuck," Edward hid his face behind his hands, sitting heavily on the ground. He didn't look at anyone, and Bella thought she heard her name somewhere among the litany of growls and nonsensical thoughts. "Bella... clusterfuck... going to jail... fucking, Jasper...kill me a sacrificial wolf..."

~0~

Edward and Bella were sitting on opposite sides of his bed not talking.

They were not talking about how the Cullens were probably not welcome on the reservation for the time being. They were not talking about why he still had leaves in his hair or why her fist was aching. They were not talking about why Esme had chased a sleeping pill with a shot of whiskey and followed Carlisle to their bedroom the moment they all walked in the door. They were definitely not talking about just why he and Jasper were peering into the windows of the club, looking for her and Alice.

In all honesty, Edward's thoughts were torn. Part of him was too terrified to ask what Bella was thinking. He was dying to know, of course, but so far she was still in the same room as him, and he didn't want to rock that boat.

But only part of his mind was occupied with that fiasco. More of him was stuck on what Alice had whispered to him before she disappeared to have her own, probably just as awkward conversation - or non-conversation - with Jasper in the girls' room. She's leaned over, her lips close to his ear as she innocently whispered, "Bella's on the pill," with the same nonchalance one would use to say, "Why yes, I do enjoy cocktail wienies."

She was gone before he could clarify what exactly she wanted him to do with this information.

Of course, his overactive imagination was more than willing to offer suggestions. This was why he was sitting crosslegged with a pillow on his lap.

As much as there were much more pressing matters to be dealt with, the only pressing Edward wanted to do was his body into hers. Which was why, Edward knew, he had to open his mouth sooner rather than later... before his hormones overwrote his thoughts and he tried to make a move on his woman. He needed to alleviate his guilt before he could give her his innocence.

Did it still count as giving her his innocence if he instigated it? Was there a different term he should be using? He was giving her his manhood. Wait, that couldn't be right. Well... he had to admit if she made him grovel on his hands and knees, he'd do it in a heartbeat to make her forgive him, so technically she already had his manhood.

_Oh, for fucks sake._

"Bella," he began resolutely, only to be cut off by the sound of her laughter.

She looked up, her eyes reminding him of brown sugar rock candy - faceted and delicious in their warmth. He wanted to kiss her, but they had to talk first. "Bella?" he said again, this time questioning her tittering giggles.

"We're ridiculous," she said in between paroxysms of delighted merriment.

Edward found he couldn't answer, not knowing what exactly she was talking about. "Are you...mad about tonight?"

"It would be hypocritical to be mad, Edward. Do you realize that you just found out today that I've been lying to your face? I know it seems like it's been at least four months, but it's really been less than twenty four hours since you found this out." She smiled at him, reaching out to take his hand across the bed. "I'm just as lost here as I think you are."

Taking a chance, Edward shifted, walking on his knees over to her. She watched him the whole way, her lips parted slightly as her breath came in quick little pants. When he was close enough he leaned in, tweaking her lips with his own in a flurry of tiny little kisses. "You don't think I'm a creeper?"

Her giggles, when they fell against his skin, made him want to come in his pants like that damn, pie-fucking bastard. Blood rushed through his ears on his way to his cock making it difficult to hear her answer. "You were trying to see me, right?"

"Um," he stumbled because he wasn't sure if this was one of those female tricks Emmett was always talking about. Edward felt about as thick skulled as he accused his brother of being. Emmett walked into Rosalie's traps quite often. But then, Bella wasn't Rosalie. "Yes?"

"Well," Bella shifted, laying down and bringing him with her, "I wasn't stripping. Those ridiculously muscled freaks were the ones stripping, and you weren't looking at them."

"No," Edward agreed, trying to take his mind off of how badly he wanted to rub himself against her by seeing how much of her skin he could kiss.

"Then you're not a creeper," she concluded, finding his wandering lips and kissing him firmly.

Good God. The way she was kissing him was not innocent at all. They were leading kisses, though to what he didn't know. His cock sure had a guess though... he could tell by the way it kept bouncing within the confines of his jeans. He groaned, and that was a mistake because he was sure he was thinking with his little head when the next words came out of his mouth. "Would I be a creeper if I wanted to see you strip now?"

Edward winced, his whole body going rigid at the same time Bella froze beneath him.

"I'm sorry," he blurted, rolling back off her. He was more than a little surprised when she rolled with him, lying on her side next to him.

Not looking at him, Bella reached out, tracing her finger along the pattern on his shirt. Edward stifled a groan because she was doing nothing to help his blood reroute to his brain. "Do you… want to see me that way?"

He snorted. "You mean without clothes on? Yeah, Bella. I do. This motherfucker won't let me stop thinking about it," he gestured to his obviously tented jeans.

She looked down, biting her lip. "I dreamt about that motherfucker," she mumbled, turning beet red.

Edward teased part of her dream out of her by kissing her neck and tentatively palming her breast. She retaliated by cupping him through his jeans and rubbing lightly, experimentally, until he admitted he'd dreamed of her too.

Then they played a game, tit for tat – Edward's shirt deposited on the floor along with Bella's. They explored new skin with gentle curiosity. It was already father than Edward had gone with a girl, and he wanted to go still farther. So Edward took off his pants in exchange for Bella sliding out of her skirt. They kissed as their hands touched super-heated, slick places.

And holy crap there were soft, shy hands wrapped around his cock.

And his fingers were enveloped in perfection.

Sure, he had no idea what he was doing, his fingers wandering blindly and randomly, but he took Bella's little moans to mean he couldn't be doing that badly.

"I think… I think…" Bella stuttered between kisses. "I think I want you."

Now, I think I want you wasn't the most romantic phrase. If Edward had been a little older and wiser, Bella's uncertainty would have been a little bit of a downer, so to speak. But Edward was, in fact, an almost 18 year old boy who'd only ever been this intimately acquainted with his own hand. It was all he could do not to jump her that very moment.

But when he was hovering over her, a split second away from what he'd heard was better than just about anything else in the world combined, Edward noticed Bella was shaking. Hard.

Like… her teeth were chattering. That was a bit of a downer.

"Are you okay? We don't have to-" Edward began, trying to roll away from her, but Bella clung to him.

"No. Look … I want to. I  _really_  want to. My body's doing this all by itself. It won't stop," she sounded frustrated. She looked at him, uncertainty in her eyes. "I want this so much that part of me thinks I'm stupid," she admitted.

He stroked her cheek, trying to form a coherent thought. His dick was very aware of how close it was to her entrance. It was straining, like a dog on a leash. "Baby, it's not stupid." He rolled onto his back, gathering her in his arms so he could think a little clearer. She rested her head on his chest, her body still trembling.

"I have no idea what I'm doing here," he admitted. "But we're being safe… I mean, we could be a whole lot stupider. And…" He took a deep breath.

"You know how you said you're lost with all this?" he gestured around them. "Well, I love you." Bella gasped, but Edward couldn't look at her yet. "When I think about that, or even now saying it, I feel ... found. Right." He looked up into her shocked but happy eyes. "I love you. I've never wanted this with anyone else."

He was babbling, and he knew it. It was just that he didn't quite know how to put to words what he was feeling. This crazy girl had thrown his whole world into disarray, and he wasn't even angry about it. Even if she told him to get away from her and started pulling her clothes back on, Edward didn't think he could be anything but happy that he'd been able to touch her and kiss her and…

"Okay, Cullen. Let's do this," Bella said.

She wasn't great with romantic lines, apparently. Then again, Edward thought as her hands began wandering his body, the romance of words was overrated. He was going to get him some… and she wasn't related to him! Bonus.

It was slow and fast. Slow because there was that inevitable moment where he had to hurt her. But that was just a moment before he could thrust. And thrust. And thrust. And thhhrruuuusssst.

And that was fast.

And the pie-fucker was right: fucking fantastically warm apple pie.

~0~

Bella crept as quietly as she could through the bathroom that joined Edward's room and the room she'd been living in. She didn't want to wake Alice. Well, she kind of wanted to wake Alice.

Fuck it, she was waking Alice.

As it turned out, Alice wasn't asleep. Rather, she was coming in through the other door of the room at the same time Bella was.

The friends froze, staring at each other with wide, guilty eyes. Alice's hair was a mess. Her clothes were rumpled. Despite the surprise evident on her face, she seemed to glow.

In other words she was a mirror image of what Bella felt like. "You had sex with Jasper!" Bella whisper yelled, pointing at Alice at the same time her best friend said, "Oh, my God, you did it!"

They blinked at each other and both smothered giggles behind their hands. "Tell me everything!" Alice demanded, dragging Bella to bed.

And Bella did.

Alice was less than pleased to find out Edward hadn't given her an orgasm before his too-quick performance. Bella absolutely forbade her from discussing this tremendous oversight with Edward. Alice pouted but kept her word. Later that day though, Edward got up from the dinner table and immediately tripped over his feet.

"You're getting clumsy, son," Carlisle said, clapping him on the back as he helped him up.

"My shoes are tied together," Edward muttered, incredulous.

"Well, I recommend not doing that," Carlisle quipped.

"I didn't!"

Alice looked entirely too innocent during that whole exchange, and Bella remembered that she'd dropped her napkin on the floor only minutes before.

Okay, so their first time wasn't the stuff fairy tales were made of. They were both inexperienced. What they needed was practice.

Practice they did - several times in the short week and a half they had left. Edward and Bella had always been fast learners.

With Esme, Emmett and Rose busy with the wedding, no one questioned the fact that the two new couples - Edward and Bella and Alice and Jasper - were unnaturally quiet, always hanging out in their rooms. Then again, with all the hustle and bustle, they could have thrown a kegger and no one would have noticed.

At Emmett and Rosalie's wedding, Edward pulled Bella into the limo that would whisk the newly married couple away when they were done dancing. There, Edward knelt on the floor of the limo, his head between Bella's legs as he brought her to orgasm with his tongue, lips and fingers. Afterward, he told her she tasted much better than warm apple pie. She thought that was kind of random but contributed her confusion to the fact that her brain had turned mush along with her legs and arms.

Though they had a limited time together, it was quite a thorough, very enjoyable, sex education.

Too soon, the real world encroached. Edward joked about phone sex to distract them both. It went without saying that they'd rather have no sex than be apart

The last night they mostly cuddled and talked. Holding her tightly, Edward painted pretty pictures of a future together, making promises that, had anyone asked her a month ago, Bella would have said no teenager should have even thought about. Then they kissed until the sun came up

Bella said goodbye to the family that had welcomed her despite her deceit, loving them as if they were her own, knowing that someday they would be.

The drive to Seattle was quiet. Edward and Bella held hands over the shifter while Alice and Jasper nuzzled in the backseat.

They parted with kisses and tears, desperate and sad but knowing that their pain wouldn't last. One year of separation and then they couldn't be separated.

On the plane, Alice was strangely quiet. "I can't believe I didn't want to go," she muttered, breaking their silence after an hour in the air.

Bella had to laugh. "Alice... this time, I'm  _really_ glad that you didn't want to go."

Alice grinned. "You know, you and my cousin are inevitable, I think. You would have met him later... at Jazz and my wedding if nothing else," she giggled. "And then it would have been a whole different story, wouldn't it have?"

"That sounds a lot less dramatic than the way it happened," Bella admitted, scrunching her nose.

"I don't know," Alice sing-songed. "I know I haven't known my cousin very long, but I do know you. And from what I hear of him... you're doomed to drama." She patted Bella's hand consolingly. "At least this way it was funny. Just think... when your kids ask how you met, you're going to have to say, 'well, darlings... you can't help who you fall in love with. Daddy fell in love with his cousin. In his case, it worked out, but don't try it with the plethora of kids Emmett and Rosalie will inevitably pop out, mmkay?'"

"You know you're insane, right?" Bella asked, giggling despite herself.

Alice and Bella arrived home only hours before their parents did. There were hugs and kisses passed around before McKenna asked, "So, how was Forks?'

"Fantastic," both girls answered with slightly dreamy sighs. They looked at each other with wide eyes, Bella realizing she'd slipped, then they both started giggling.

Turning back to their suddenly suspicious parents, Alice started talking. "Well, Mom...about Forks..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yes, there is an epilogue. No, it won't take another four months. This thing is gonna be marked complete on or before the year mark (smh) I promise.
> 
> Thank you to barburella for pestering me and jadedandboring for betaing. Much love.


	13. Epilogue: In Which Old Spice is Referenced

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: Yeah, yeah. You get it by now. Love you, Cella

"Marry me."

"No."

"Marry me!"

"No!"

"Damn you, woman."

"Hey! There's no fighting at my wedding!"

Bella let go of Edward, turning to face her best friend on the dance floor. Alice looked beautiful – the epitome of what a glowing bride should be. Of course, Alice had confided in Bella several days ago that the reason behind her glowing skin had less to do with the excitement of getting married and more to do her forgetting that birth control pills were less effective when on antibiotics, but that was beside the point.

"I'm stealing my bridesmaid, cuz," Alice informed Edward, putting her arms around Bella and sweeping her away from her bemused boyfriend.

"Don't you have a husband to dance with?" Bella asked, laughing as Alice spun her around the floor.

Alice tilted her head a distance away, a smile on her face. "He's giving all of Emmett's daughters a private dance."

Bella nodded gravely. Emmett had a lot of daughters so dancing with them all would take a while. Even Bella had to smile at the sight – Jasper dancing with a pint-sized Rosalie perched gracefully as any six year old could be on his feet while the three younger ones bounced near by, waiting their turn.

"So why was Edward damning you?"

"He keeps proposing. I keep turning him down," Bella sighed.

"What? Why?" Alice was aghast. "Bella, you survived an incestuous scandal, four years of college and… like… other stuff. Why on earth would you say no to him?"

"Honestly?"

"Of course."

Bella blushed. "He's just so cute when he's all flustered."

Rolling her eyes, Alice pulled her best friend closer. "Honey, if that's the only way you can make him flustered, you've got a lot to learn."

Later that evening, Alice stood surrounded by her girlfriends as she launched her bouquet over her shoulder. It landed in Bella's arms.

"You did that on purpose!" Bella accused.

"No!" Alice insisted. She gave her friend a knowing grin and said the same thing she'd told Jasper when they got engaged. "It was written. It was fate." She looked over Bella's shoulder and snapped at someone. "Try it again now."

Bella whirled around to find that Edward was behind her. Locking eyes with hers, he dropped to one knee, proffering a ring box with a truly spectacular ring nestled at the center. "Bella, marry me. Please."

Then it was Bella's turn to be flustered. "I… but… I… Oh, fine!"

The gathered guests cheered.

"Ha! You're going to be someone's mother-in-law," McKenna crowed at Renee, which was only deserved as the other woman had teased her relentlessly after Alice and Jasper had announced their engagement.

"Whatever, Grandma," Renee grumbled, smiling in spite of herself.

"Renee!" Alice hissed because she hadn't told her mother yet.

Meanwhile, Emmett and Jasper were clapping Edward on the back. "And no worries, Bro. It's a little known fact but usually cousin-marriages last."

Edward groaned. "You're never going to let that go, are you?"

Emmett pretended to think about it. "Yeah, no. I can't see that happening."

~0~

Edward had many surprises in store for his brand new wife in their brand new house on the first day of married life. He swept her off her feet, congratulating himself for being a cool motherfucker as he carried her across the threshold.

"I can walk, you know," Bella said, but she didn't appear to be in a rush to leave his arms. In fact, she wound her arms around his neck, grinning up at him adoringly.

Ducking his head for a quick kiss, Edward grinned against her lips. "I will, eventually. But first I want to show you the kitchen, because that's where you'll be spending most your time."

He laughed as Bella smacked him upside the back of his head and carried her into the kitchen anyway. His new bride gasped as she looked around, and Edward felt proud. For whatever reason, he'd taken up carpentry as a hobby and much of the kitchen – the cabinets and such – he'd built himself.

"It's beautiful, Edward. Did you do all this?" She sounded awed.

"Some of it." He set her on the countertop, spreading his legs with his hands so he could step between them. With his hands at her waist he kissed her in earnest, eliciting a low moan of pleasure from her that vibrated against his lips. "And now," he growled as he kissed a trail to her ear, "I'm going to fuck you ... on the counter I built with my own hands."

She pulled back from him, looking like she was trying not to laugh. "Are you going to fuck me on a horse?"

Edward blinked, replaying the words to make sure he'd heard them right. "Why would I do that?"

Bella shook her head, blushing suddenly as her grin fell. "Never mind," she said quickly, leaning in to kiss him again, but he stopped her.

There was not a lot Edward would deny his wife. Bella asked for so little so he did his best to please her when she did want something. But this? Was she for real? "Do you have any idea how difficult and probably painful that would be? And is this horse galloping or standing still?"

"Edward, forget it. It was just a dumb joke," she said, cupping his face and trying to get him back on track.

But Edward was distracted now, wondering what kind of perverse fantasies Bella had concocted. "Baby, you know I'm okay with experimenting. Like - if you wanted to dress up, play with nipple clamps, I'm down with that. But fucking on a horse? No."

"Edward. Kiss me," Bella demanded, and that got Edward's attention again. "Kiss me and fuck me on this counter."

And so he did.

That evening, they explored other taboos that had nothing to do with horses. Or animals of any kind. Or cousins.

**~0~**

"What are you thinking about," Edward asked one not particularly special day.

Bella looked at her husband of nearly two years and ran her fingers down his face. "Babies," she said bluntly. Somehow she managed to keep a straight face as she watched Edward's features contort. He was shocked. He was ecstatic. He was scared. He managed to be all those things at once which did hysterical things to his perfect face. "Why does Jasper think we want a gaggle of them, by the way?" she asked nonchalantly.

"Um..." Edward said eloquently.

"Because I really only want one or two."

"You want babies?" Edward asked, finally able to put words together again.

"You catch on quick." She looked at him, her expression serious as she spoke. "At first I thought about asking you if we could adopt, but I really don't think we should press our luck."

"What do you mean?"

"What if we ended up adopting one of Emmett's kids?" she fretted.

Edward blinked, and Bella almost felt bad for confusing him so many times in the space of a few minutes. "Babe, none of Emmett's kids are up for adoption. Rosalie likes them all."

She gave him a look. "You really think it's beyond the realm of possibility that Emmett knocked up some chick when he and Rosalie were on a break? Believe me, if it could happen, it could happen to us." She sighed heavily, shaking her head as if she was sad. "We're going to have to do it the old fashioned way. We're going to have to procreate."

Edward was absolutely still as he watched her face. Bella looked at him steadily, letting him read between the lines and see the seriousness of her words. She wanted a baby. Maybe two. With him.

A glorious grin spread across his face before he tapered it down, making his look solemn. "As your husband, I will do what is necessary to give you a child. No matter what it takes. Even if it takes copious amounts of sex."

"A chore, I know. You're a good man," Bella said seriously, caressing the side of his face with real tenderness.

Edward performed his husbandly duty several times that night.

**~0~**

Five or six years later, Edward was watching his three children waddle excitedly up the beach in the ridiculous gear they'd insisted they wanted. And he had to laugh.

He had a gaggle of webfooted children.

Granted, the webbed feet were due to the flip flops they had on, but still.

Some fates just couldn't be avoided he supposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Lookit that. It took me exactly one year to finish this. Damn! Lol. The epilogue is short, sweet, and somewhat devious... not unlike my girl. Whom I love. And who will be getting another story after I finish In the Mirror and/or Underworld. This story will be called The Butterfly Effect. Look for it, if it pleases you.
> 
> Thank you to barburella, jadedandboring, and of course my Cella, always pushing me to do things I didn't know I could do.
> 
> Thanks for coming along for the ride!


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